How does Comcast stay on top as the worst internet provider in history? I decided to look into how a single company can remain terrible constantly for a long period of time.
History: for the last 14 months I have been paying Comcast for something they advertise as “blast” internet service, which promises constantly high speed internet. Never do the speeds match the promise and once I realized that, I jumped right into the rabbit hole of Comcast happy talk and promises made of rare Unicorn meat.
See, the deal with Comcast is pretty simple, promise customers an awful lot and don’t deliver any of it.
The brilliance of Comcast philosophy is that they seemingly have outsourced all their phone answering technicians to a far off country where English is not even a second, third or fourth language, so when you call, the conversation can only amount to pleasant promises in something that sounds an awful lot like a mix between broken English and Martian.
What Comcast favors is not only the poorly worded script these terribly paid employees in a bunker somewhere east of China rhythmically announce, but also the monthly visits from actual human technicians, who must get paid by the visit, because a few of these hard working people have stayed for pizza and beer.
Here is how Comcast handles reports of bad service. First, the far off, non-English speaking employee promises that “with this calt, we make you service work good.” Once or twice, when you hear such a promise, you think to yourself, “finally a Comcast employee dedicated to fixing my terrible service.” Such a thought is really worthless, because I am imagining a call-center in some slum warehouse outside an equally terrible small city, in an even more equally terrible country. These minions have been trained to only say a few things understandably, such as, “this time we get job done” and “I can send technician to your homes and sometime they fix your problem, yes?”
Now, I am not expert of the secret training sessions that Comcast must put every employee through, but my guess is that the training session sounds something like this, “make promises we have no intent on following through on, keep making these promises and when all else fails, mail more empty promises that THIS time all will be repaired.”
I don’t know if that’s an exact quote, but from my own experience, it has to be close.
So, over the last 14 months I have made countless calls to some far off call center, where the nice man/woman (trust me, it’s impossible to tell the difference) makes promises about repairs and then more promises about how important my call is to them and then at some point sends technicians to my home, who in turn makes more empty promises.
In the past 14 months I have had eight technicians visit my house. Not the same technician mind you, because sometimes Comcast pretends that someone with superior knowledge and skill with be coming by and repairing my failure of an internet system. Of course, in the grand scheme that is the Comcast customer service protocol, the same home visit will play out as some sort of staged technical ballet. They will walk in, check the current Comcast modem, look at the wires, walk through my basement, put a ladder up against some pole and announce, “we are working to improve the service in your neighborhood.” Then they will get back in their Comcast van, laughing hardily and drive away, only to do the same routine to another Comcast victim somewhere down the road.
One of the most remarkable aspects of dealing with Comcast is how quickly the English speaking employees will tell you that “Comcast has no intention of ever fixing this current problem.” Seriously, I have had numerous technicians in my house over the last 14 months and the vast majority of them have told me the same thing. While they get paid to visit homes and businesses with faulty Comcast service, they hardly ever do anything but test connections, replace perfectly functioning modems and make promises about how the service will certainly be repaired in a short amount of time. When questioned about these promises, a vast majority of the service technicians will tell you the truth, Comcast never repairs anything unless it’s an obvious easy fix.
Never repair anything. That is true, I have heard that so many times from Comcast employees that I am sure that is the way things work at this megalomaniacal corportation. Part of the problem it seems is that Comcast continues to use cable wires installed up to 30 years ago. Once I asked a Comcast technician when the company might replace the existing elderly non-functional wires in my neighborhood. He laughed and told me it would be wise to just move to a newer community that has newer wiring. “You mean there is no plan to replace the obvious failing wires?” I have asked, incredulously. “Not a chance,” every Comcast employee has told me with a smirk and a shoulder shrug.
Comcast is not only brilliant at making promises that will never happen, but if you are thinking maybe just have your service changed from the promise of super-high speed to a lower cost “average” Comcast internet speed service. I have also asked both the far off customer service people, but I have also put that very question to Comcast technicians standing in my living room. The honest answer I have received countless times is, if I pay less, expect even worse speeds.
As it stands, I often get speeds just a little faster than dialup. So, I have followed up my query to Comcast technicians by sharing, “I did not think my internet speeds could get worse.” The smiling employee will then let me in on a little Comcast secret, “your service can always get worse with Comcast.”
Former president Ronald Reagan often said that the scariest 9 words a person in America can hear are “we’re from the government and we’re here to help.” Reagan did not live long enough to expect high speed internet in his palatial Los Angeles home, but had he hung on for a few more years I am sure he would have changed his warning to, “we’re here from Comcast and we’d like to fix your internet problem.”
ComCrap just sucks.
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