The Costco shuffle

My best friend Kami Sutra called me this morning and upon learning I would be near a Costco later today she asked if I could pick some things up for her. I dread Costco like a proctologist dreads obese people with polyps.

There was a time when I was raising three young children, all under the age of 5. I would go to Costco almost weekly, because it made economic sense to buy 55 gallon drums of milk and cheap clothing made by Chinese children under the age of 5, for American children also under the age of 5. Those days, thank the good lord sweet Jesus, are long gone. So I never go to Costco anymore because I learned a valuable lesson. Whenever you go to Costco you will always spend at least 100 dollars, no matter what you do or what you purchase.

Which makes this mornings call from Kami Sutra all the more unfortunate. She knew I would be a mere 3 blocks from a local Costco and she needed some stuff. “What sort of stuff,” I asked, because the last time a friend asked me to pick up stuff at a Costco, I filled my car with over 500 pounds of bananas and a ten gallon vat of sex lube.

“I need some baking stuff,” Kami said. She texted me a list of this baking stuff and I looked it over. Diapers, baby formula, a breast pumping machine and some adorable baby jumpers.

Now, I am far from the brightest bulb at the tulip festival, but even I was able to see that the majority of Kami’s shopping list was not baking materials. I called her back immediately and questioned how someone could cook with all these toxic baby related items. She assured me that the baby clothes and diapers were for a baby to wear, not eat and that’s when I discovered that avowed baby hating Kami Sutra had somehow manufactured a baby.

So, my plan is now to do my scheduled thing this morning and then waddle through an overstocked Costco, in search of baby clothes, baby food and baby diapers. Which is to say, Kami Sutra should have practiced what she has been preaching for 20 something years, “babies are best viewed at zoos.”