Sad clown

Hallow weenie

For the first time in two decades I do not have any of my two dozen or so children around for Halloween this year to torment or disown or do whatever I usually do for Halloween so I guess I will just practice on strangers tonight when I answer the door.
"Hello slightly overweight child, you do realize that eating another piece of candy will almost certainly push you right into diabetic overload, right?"
"Good day Zombie girl, what a cute costume, did you say trick or treat? Well, for you I have quite the treat. You get my cat. His name is Raltraz and he has a bladder infection. Good day. I said Good Day young lady, now leave."
"Oh hello small child. Here is some candy. Your costume makes you look like a doctor, can you tell me what these bumps mean?"
"Trick or treat? What in the hell does that mean anyway?"
"Candy? I'm all out of candy, but you have a bag of candy right there hanging off your arm and I'll damn well take what I want."
"No, I am not wearing a costume, what sort of terrible parent do you have that would teach you to talk like that?"
"Wait a second, I gave you that cat, you can't give me my own cat back, that's not how Halloween works."

Children

Super holiday fun time

Sometimes I sell paintings. Right now I have been using some recent paintings as the art for some marketing stickers that should be illegal, but with congress busy arguing about defunding Halloween, I seem to be able to get away with almost anything.
So, I am selling a couple of the gems. If history has been a teacher of anything, it’s this, men with hairy backs should never wear strapless dresses. That said, here is a link to the paintings for sale. There are only 3 and they will last, well, about 13 minutes.

Apple watch

I am not the fan-boy type who gives a hoot what Apple does with new products or anything else for that matter, they are a tech company, so no matter what else, they are kind of boring. That said, I clicked on the Apple website a few minutes ago to buy yet another overpriced and unnecessary product and was linked to the Apple Product Marketing Ploy this morning and while waiting for a white guy in a turtleneck to tell me what I need today, I was pleasantly surprised at the really great music they play while the lemmings line up for slop.

So, if Apple gets one thing right, they play good music before their non-event announcements.

Branson 3 continues

The new Branson detective novel continues to sell digitally only on Amazon. Why is that? There is some sort of technical reason, but mostly it's about money. If you only list on Amazon it opens up some sort of finance deal.
So, go ahead and check out the new book. It's here. Plus, there is a new sticker contest, check the new one out, order some and you might win a new iPad.

The good life

Special

Last week I got a letter from my most frequent airline informing me that I was now a member of their super elite status something or other. Since I was flying last week, it was immediately obvious the changes in class I was now experiencing. Gone were the days of waiting in lines with the smelly and the idiotic. No longer would I have to beg for choice seats, or seats at all for that matter, because now I could pick any other passenger and sit on them. This new elite status afforded me endangered species menu items (I highly recommend the spotted lion chocolate chip cookies) and I am now allowed to drink as much as the pilots.

As with all mail from this airline it began with “Dr so and so..” because I am, of course a doctor, on a variety of levels. First, I did get me one of them doctor degrees in madacine which was quite the accomplishment and has allowed me to have a long and distinguished career in the madical field, as they say. Having one doctor degree wasn’t enough for me, because I am nothing if not a go-getter, so while I was busy operating and delivering thousands of babies, I also earned an evening degree in pshyoanalyticalreverseosmocanolopotry. Which is, obviously, some sort of study of the human brain and it’s varied interactions with both porn and sugar. 

Moving on, as they say, I was lucky enough to also have won another pHd on a midcentury TV talk show. My late grandfather was the guest, he had invented a battery operated hand held vibrating device that was designed to relax tension in a working man’s muscles. I was in the audience, seat 36, and at an odd moment in the show, the host, a pedophile named Harris something announced that the University of California was giving away a degree in divinity to some lucky audience member. I was that member, I still am and at almost any religious function, except the ones where they cut off the tip of a penis, I am a doctor of some sort of religious studies. 

What all this high class education has meant is that at parties I am always the one who laughs at the jokes that no one else seems to get, Last week, while I was in France on business, I happened upon a late night fig and cheese party and someone said something to the effect, “zat Obama, he is a waskilly wabbit, eh?” I laughed like there was no tomorrow. The joy of super intelligence is that when a foreign language is in play, those of us with multi-lingual tongues often get first crack at the humor and the hummus.

Speaking of rarified treatment, I did not know hospitals also have a frequent user program. My oldest brother, a rich industrialist, has surgery every other tuesday for something that those of use in less rarified bank accounts might call useless procedures, but the super wealthy prefer to call these sorts of things fun times. So while I was visiting him recently he got a call from his local hospital concierge who offered to schedule him for a complete nostril replacement, along with a toe sanitization. Seriously, for one hundred thousand taxpayer dollars he had his left nostril completely replaced, with that of someone who apparently had no use for his. Upon learning of this exclusive service of unnecessary medical care I was obviously jealous and in need of signing up, but he assured me I was not only too poor, but also too healthy. The rich, he reminded me, are afforded years of abusive lifestyle choices, which inevitably leads to massive amounts of seemingly useless surgeries to repair telltale signs of years of abuse. See how that works? Oh the rich, they really are different than us plain old doctors and frequent fliers. 

So I will stick to my new elite lifestyle, because mostly I just find myself in first class sections of low class jet planes, talking to white men who feel superior for no particular reason, entitled in the most banal of ways, and I eat cookie after cookie and wonder how the most powerful animal in the wild kingdom tastes so damn good with just a little chocolate. 

Powerful and sexy stickers available, free of course

It's always true, stickers available, like the one below, for nothing. Follow this link to order some and sit back and wait.
Click here for your stickers.

While cycling this propelled me

Branson book available at Amazon

It's true, everything they have been saying. Branson.3, Pray for you today is now available as a download at Amazon.
Anyone who knows anything will download this today, because lord knows, the price will just continue to increase.