Valentines Day chat

I met Franklin Delano Goldfarb online about four years ago. It was a chat room dedicated to people who were addicted to online chatting. You could log in and meet with other people who had somehow become addicted to anonymous interaction with unknown persons from around the globe.

FDG2007 logged on and said hello four years ago and almost immediately we were friends. We had so much in common, from Apple Computer love to all things Anime. It was all on the sly, Franklin at first told me he was a woman, a 26 year old woman in Moscow Russia. That was a minor lie, I had told Franklin my name was Becky, a hermaphrodite from Yugoslavia, using a computer powered by fire flies and magnets.

People lie all the time on the internet and especially in chat rooms, but when you are trying to find a connection, especially online, at some point you have to tell the truth. After a few weeks of a developing awkward lesbian relationship, Franklin began to come clean, at first admitting he was a he and then finally typing the words I had long suspected, “I have to work hard to spell all those words wrong, I am not that stupid.”

I knew it. No one I had ever met could spell “Friendly” “Frankly” so consistently. I did a smiley face and said there was something I needed to come clean about myself, but before I could type anything, Franklin wrote that he knew I was not in Yugoslavia, that I did not have a computer being powered by fire flies and that I was not a young woman, still breast fed by my over zealous communist aunt and Bolshevik stalwart Linda, no he had surmised I was a normal guy somewhere in America.

Which I kind of was, although how normal could anyone be who thought they could get away with pulling a fast one pretending to live in Yugoslavia with a computer powered by fire flies, fed mostly on breast milk, etc?

I think it was internet pioneer Al Gore who once said you can fool some of the people most of the time, and most of the people some of the time, and all of the republicans all of the time, but you can’t pretend to be a Yugoslavian hermaphrodite for too long before people realize you are probably in your moms basement, half naked.

That Al Gore, he really needs to get a job.

Franklin Delano Goldfarb was born in Venice, at least according to his Facebook account. If you believe Tumblr, he was actually born in Las Feliz, which is close enough, so we are probably talking about the same person. Google pegs FDG as being born somewhere in the San Fernando Valley, but then again, no one trusts Google for anything since Google continues to suggest that my dear friend Brando Cal-Meesvian the Third is still ruling the kingdom of Smerg.

I did a quick Bloomberg fact check on Franklin Delano Goodfarb and discovered that he had indeed never served on the board of CitiBoink, which I also discovered was not a business, although I think it should be. If I had a CitiBoink card I would most certainly expect them to fuck me out of my money in monthly service charges.

As I dug deeper into the life I had presumed to be the truth of my online friend Franklin Delano Goldfarb I was shocked to find out that almost all of it was untrue. Not only was he not born in Venice, he did not attend Beverly Hills Nocternal Institute for Vampire Studies, nor did he graduate from the Divine Miss M School of Medicine and Handbags, and of course he was never the producer of Conan. I went back and checked his profile on Blankstare, it had been changed and his picture was different, he was now an African American woman named Showanda. Something was up. I logged into Smank.Com and checked his status there, he was not online, but I checked his Smank profile, that one had also been changed. Smank listed him as “a liberated lesbian named Beth.” Ironic, since my own attorney was a liberated lesbian named Beth. A pattern was starting to show itself.

All the lies started to make sense. Which is always a bad sign, because if someone is going to lie about their education, their higher education and their employment, chances are they are also going to lie about important stuff like their diet and choices in clothing. That much I know to be a fact.

I was going to fly to Los Angeles to check all this out myself, but honestly, planes scare me and if I can’t get all the information I need on an internet liar from the internet, then it is probably information I won’t need anyway.

I knew Google was compromised, but I was unsure what other search engines existed, such was the power that Google has over me and my internet searching capabilities. I sat at my computer for a good 12 minutes wondering what I should do. Finally I picked up my phone and dialed my good friend police detective Becky Moscowitz.

“Please tell me this is not Google related.” She started out almost immediately.

“Well, not officially.”

“Good, what’s the problem.”

“I have an online friend who may have been lying to me.”

“So?”

“Yes, well, I am not sure what sort of crime that falls under.”

“Online lying? Oh, that is a death penalty offense?”

“Seriously?”

“No stupid. It’s not a crime. It’s a lie. Get over it. What did this liar lie about? Penis size?”

“Gross. No, education, employment, you know, life stuff.”

“So? Who cares? If I remember correctly, sometimes you claim to be a woman in upper Sanguine, or something.”

“Lower Yugoslavia.”

“Whatever.”

“Well, we have been chatting for a long time.”

“I thought you we in some sort of rehab for internet chatting.”

“We met online, in an internet rehab chat room.”

“Are you retarded?”

“Is that an official police question?”

“Possibly. I think it’s a crime to be retarded, online and pretending to be a hermaphrodite from Yugoslavia.”

“How did you know?”

“Franklin Delano Goldfarb? You will fall for anything. Happy Valentines Day.”