First off, to the best of my knowledge, Newt Gingrich, the pudgy, pasty white, disgraced former speaker of the house, did not kill a tranny prostitute in a fit of rage last night in Birmingham. Also, a blonde haired idiot Fox News bimbo “reporter” told me that, but I think she was either joking or is an illegal Mexican.
In order of events. Well, the last time I was madly in love with anyone other than myself it was in Birmingham Alabama and it was about 13 years ago. I know, that is a long time for a lover like myself to go without being madly in love, but people come and people go, but true love is a rare commodity.
Myself, I have always found transvestites to be both fascinating and, well, how do I put this so as not to hurt the feelings of the transvestite population? A little whacky? Yes, that should do. That said, just because men who like to dress as women are different than me, a man who likes to dress as a badly dressed man, that does not mean a hypocritical, overweight, disgraced former speaker can kill you, right? Of course I am right. In my mind, the only people a person like Newt Gingrich has the right to kill is, A-someone dumb enough to marry Newt Gingrich, I think we can all agree on that, and B-Rush Limbaugh, because, well, Rush Limbaugh is equally fat, loud, hypocritical and obnoxious and obviously does not seem to know when his 15 minutes has passed him by.
So, I was having a quite breakfast in my hotel’s quaint little dining area this morning, a cup of warm coffee and a gluten free English muffin when the Fox News blonde bubblehead stumbled in and sat across from me. I was reading something important on my Ipad and I pretended not to smell her, she of the type who is so ashamed of her true self that she bathes in some sort of smelly French perfume to hide as much of her natural scent. I sneezed and she said hello. We had met on the Romney campaign plane a few weeks ago. She seemed to like me because I could do and say all the things she was not allowed to. At Fox News, they are only allowed to do and say the things they are told to do and say. Me, on the other hand, I have no editor, owner or Big Balls Bill O’Reilly looking over my shoulder, demanding to slant things in such a way as to make Mitt Romney appear human, or Newt Gingrich to appear smart, or Rick Santorum to appear less Santanish.
She gurgled, “did you hear?”
“That Santorum killed a goat and drank it’s blood to celebrate his win? Yeah, he does that after every caucus and primary.”
“Really?”
“Oh, that was not what you were going to ask? What did you want to tell me?”
“Newt killed a tranny prostitute last night?”
“You don’t say?”
“It’s what I heard.”
“From who?”
“Sources.”
“Yeah? Which sources?”
“Oh, I can’t say.”
“Why not, will they explode? Will you?”
“I promised them.”
“Kind of like Deepthroat?”
“I did not.”
“Huh? Oh, Jesus, no, Deepthroat was the source who fed the Watergate information, yeah, nevermind. So Newt killed another tranny prostitute?”
“What? He has killed others?”
“Wait, you don’t know about the others?”
“Seriously?”
“Oh, I shouldn’t say anything else.”
“No, wait, does he really kill tranny prostitutes.”
“That’s what my sources have been telling me.”
“When? Where? Why?”
“Oh my, when, where, why? You are a real reporter. Well, my sources tell me that after every primary and caucus vote that Newt loses, he finds himself a tranny prostitute and kills her to take out his frustrations.”
“How do you know this.”
“Sources.”
“Can you tell me who these sources are?”
“Deepthroat.”
“Here?”
“No, oh, gross. My sources do not want to be known.”
“Oh, right. Watergate and everything. So Newt really does kill tranny prostitutes.”
“That’s what I hear.”
She left after that, quickly, her empty head spinning.
At this point in the campaign, most in the “news” business seem to agree that the only reason Newt is even still campaigning is that it keeps him from hanging out with his wife for any extended amount of time. Plus, Fox News is now reporting he has a penchant for Tranny Murder.
No comments:
Post a Comment