Elder statesman

I got my notice yesterday in the mail, snail mail I should say and mean it ironically.

There it was, a shiny letter, telling me of my new status. My opinion is worthy. So there.

I am officially an elder statesman, and all that something like that carries. I take it that finally, with church and government approval, my words matter.

First off, parents, listen up, no smoking. What is wrong with you? (see what a little elder statesman status does?) Smoking is stupid for an adult to do, but around children with developing brains and lungs? Idiotic.

Now that I'm an elder statesman, I think I should comment on politics. Obama is black. That much we can all agree on, let's move on.

Second. There should be laws that stop people from being mean.

I really think I wear this elder statesman thing quite well, thank you so much.

Lastly, on a more serious note, there was a time in American history that you did not know the complexities of the people surrounding you in public places. Never did I think that the person standing next to me at the bus stop had a new STD, or computer, or anything. It never dawned on me to even wonder about the private life of the person standing next to me, or the shoe salesman, or the guy repairing my cable. It was really none of my business. It turns out that some of these people are damn close to retarded. How did I find this out? I listened to their cell phone conversations. You can learn a lot about your fellow man, and woman (!) without ever really violating their privacy. You just have to listen.

First off, one of the things I have learned, older people speak really loudly. The problem is, according to my studies, most of their conversations revolve around golf, dinner and picking something up at the store. Very boring. In fact, there should be a federal program that forces elderly people to be more interesting. You know why? Because there are a lot of them and many have cell phones and many are walking around, speaking loudly into their phones, as if the key to cell communication was volume.

Yell less, do strange things more, my advice for the elderly, especially if you all are going to be walking around yelling into your cell phones for my personal enjoyment. Hell folks, you days are truly numbered, have that threesome you lusted after during the great depression, or whatever.

Is is the conversations of the stupids that I like the best. Stupid people are a little like the elderly, they seem to speak louder into the phone. In fact, a recent government funded study found that the louder people speak into a cell phone, the stupider they are. It's true, check it.

What I really find appealing about stupid people speaking loudly in public is that they are so willing to share almost every detail of their lives. Just yesterday, at the grocery store, I learned that one rather large woman was dating a man with erectile dysfunction. At least I think that's what she meant while loudly complaining of a wet noodle. A teenage girl laughed at something and said, "well fuck him". Classy. Finally, the sales clerk checking my groceries was also conversing with someone via his blackberry and mentioned how tonight he was gonna score a dime.

I may be an elder statesman, but jesus, I am not an idiot.