Swan song

There was an interesting story this morning on NPR about the return to England of a flock of swans and how experts have noticed that a couple that had been together for years has apparently divorced, or whatever it is that swans do.

Important to note that swans mate for life. Unlike humans, who mate for, well, minutes. I could be wrong, but the report indicated that the vast majority of swans choose a lover, travel with the lover, mate with the lover, raise babies with the lover and stay with the lover for life. The experts noted that at least two couples have gone their separate ways, finding new loves and leaving behind their promise of life long companionship.

It does make me wonder about love and loss. Humans like to believe in long term commitment, but in my own personal study, most people do not mate for life, or even stay married for life and again, in my own personal study, those that do stay married for long periods of time, often times are not "loyal" to that singular person.

My study? Well, I have been asking questions for friends and others for many years. I began to seriously ask questions when I started to see many of my friends and neighbors getting divorced. In my simple mind I always thought people would separate or divorce because the passion, or sex, was no longer as important to one partner or the other. My own bias was sex was the glue that kept a relationship vital. I was wrong, or at least, my study indicated I was wrong.

In interview after interview I found people would divorce for a variety of reasons, sex being on the list, but never the most important aspect of a relationship faltering. There were always other reasons, physical violence, lies, unfulfilled potential, growing apart - the list is really endless, or so it seems. One thing i did note, many people got divorced right about the time the youngest child went to school. That was almost a constant. The reasons I would hear were always varied, but the bottom line in the majority of failing relationships was the baby of the family entered school.

I would never speak for others, but I did listen to many of them, men and women, happy and sad, sexy and not so sexy and everyone had a different reason for leaving their partners. I often spoke with breaking couples, the wife offering a reason and the husband a different reason, but in the end it was never simple. One couple broke up because the wife found women to be better lovers than men. Hard to argue with that, until I found a husband who went gay, and his reasoning was that it felt more natural to be with men, and again I could not argue.

Relationships are hard to comprehend. I am still not sure we are not meant to be lone wolves, sexing it up with willing partners for a time, and then moving on. I know a couple of people in happy long term relationships, but the vast majority of the people I know in long term relationships are not so happy, often times complaining about the complexities and the trade offs and how they wish they had it all to do over again. So many of these trade off people are stuck in neurotic relations, convinced that they could no longer get into a dating mode, so they settle. Unhappy for a long time, but convinced it is better than the unhappiness they would be forced to experience alone.

The swans teach us a lesson. Go into it ready for a life long commitment, but be prepared, like a good boy scout, for whatever may come your way.