Gay football players everywhere

Oh my, there might be gay football player. I know how this feels to the super paranoid football players who are all worried that a gay football player might see their non-gay junk while showering after a bruising game. See, I once rode my bike across Montana as a fundraiser and many of the cyclists were gay and we often showered together at the end of the day of riding a hundred miles or so. Let me tell you, those gay cyclists sure do know how to ride a bike. As far as I could tell, they were not there to hit on guys in the shower.

So, if I get the football players argument correctly, they think (hah) that some gay football player will find their nakedness irresistible and begin some sort of ritualistic gay sex thing right there in the shower. Is that it? First, lucky me, during college I was unlucky enough to end up in a pro football locker room and I am here to tell you that it is not a pretty thing. You have any idea how excessively fat those professional football playing linemen really are? Linemen are super fat, incredibly fat, unfathomably obese. No gay man in his right mind would find these giant obese monsters the least bit attractive.

That said, those perfect and sexy defensive backs? Amazing.

Now, where were we? Gay football players, yes. Well, likely there are plenty of closet cases already in the locker room and no one cares. See, gay men are just like straight men, they have no need to sex it up on a daily basis, well that part may not be true, but like most men, they can control these issues until appropriate times, unlike republican senators or conservative televangelists.

Better, I know at least two gay firemen. These firefighters spend much of their fire fighting evenings alone in fire houses, cooking, watching TV and sleeping in rooms with other firemen, often sharing rooms with straight firemen. They sleep, they shower and they dress with fairly hot straight firemen. What they do not do is have sex with these incredibly hot firemen, much hotter than your average NFL lineman. Why are firemen not complaining that gay firemen are sexually harassing them with their weird sexuality and their staring and all sorts of strange gay behavior? Because it’s not happening. Why? Because gay firemen are like straight firemen, they are there to do a job, just like an NFL player would be doing.

If you are a professional athlete, you are hired to do a job, play football or soccer or playing basketball. Like a fireman, or a police office, or a lawyer. I know, I find it completely impossible that there could be a gay lawyer, so I called my gay lawyer and I asked him. “Is it possible that there could be a gay lawyer in the law profession?”

“Shut up,” my gay lawyer said and then he hung up, because even gay lawyers are too busy to be bothered with my silliness, as should the NFL.