With Santorum leaving the race to spend more time taking care of his family, being a good conservative and worshiping Satan, everyone is now looking at naughty Newt Gingrich to drop out. No one, except the porcine former speaker, thinks anyone but magic underwear wearing Mitt Romney will win the Republican nomination.
I thought it was time to call the Pennsylvania office of the Gingrich campaign and see if the staff still believes in the pasty white candidates chances and really, just to see how they are holding up since the states primary is coming up in a week or so.
“Carl’s donut hole, can I take your order?”
“I’m sorry, I have the wrong number.”
That happens to me all the time. I plug in a number in my cellphone and save it as something important, like Newt Gingrich Pennsylvania Campaign office, when in fact it is probably a gluten free donut shop I stopped at in Philadelphia three weeks ago. I tried again.
“Carl’s donut hole, can I take your order?”
“I’m sorry, I was trying to reach the Gingrich Pennsylvania Campaign office.”
“Yeah, hang on.” He set the phone down, or something. Then, the same guy who answered the phone five seconds before picked it up and said, “Newt Gingrich, future president of these United States Pennsylvania field office, how may we help you support the future president?”
“So what you are saying is that you are both a donut shop and the Gingrich Pennsylvania office?”
“Yes sir. How may I help you?”
“Do you sell gluten free donuts?”
“Fuck no, what sort of donuts would those be? Yikes, those would taste like crap.”
“Not true, there’s a place in Philadelphia that makes great gluten free donuts.”
“Yeah, Philadelphia, like anyone wants to go there for anything, not even donuts.”
“Well, where are you located?”
“We are deep in the dairy farm country, about 150 miles west of Philadelphia.”
“Donut business doing well?”
“No complaints.”
“That’s good. How about the Gingrich business, you get a lot of calls?”
“Yours would be the first.”
“No shit?”
“Seriously.”
“Wow, it makes me wonder why Newt is still in the race.”
“He is waiting for Tampa sir, where he plans to steal the nomination from the Massachusetts tax and spend liberal.”
“So you are a Gingrich supporter?”
“Not at all, but he is a donut loving sort of politician and for that alone we love him.”
“Well, thanks again for taking the time talking to me.”
“Thank you for calling Carl’s Donut Hole, uh, I mean, we hear at the Gingrich campaign want to thank you for you continued support.”
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