Announcement

(Stepping up to the podium, the crowd applauds)

Thank you. (Pause for cheers) Thank you. (look around, confidently).

You know, just a few months ago I was just a regular American, working hard for my money, paying my bills, or at least most of my bills, on time. When we found out that our house was over 100 thousand dollars under water, we walked away. What a mess. I want to thank my loving family. My loving mistress, but she and I exist in an almost completely sexual way. More on that later.

Thank you for coming, it is an honor to speak to you tonight. When the leaders of the tea party called me and asked if I might be willing to run for congress in the 6th district, I was shocked at first. See, I love this country, I do. Those are not words from my mouth, but honest to god feelings. (hold for applause).

Thank you. (smile broadly, do not forget to smile!) (wave, or acknowledge someone in the first few rows)

To the tea party, I say it will be an honor to fight for the 6th district, to win for the 6th district, to lead from the 6th district. (hold for applause).

I accept the challenge. This is a new party, this is going to be a new America. I have never run for office before in my life, I will bring the change others promise. (wait for applause). There is nothing I want to do more than lead and fight and do whatever it takes to rein in control of the spending and earmarks in congress. That's right, when I take office, the first thing I will do is remove any earmarks in spending bills that still happen to be on the floor. No more wasteful money will be coming to the 6th district if I get my way. (hold for applause).

I have never been a candidate for office before in my life. I promise to be a different sort of candidate, a man that you know where I stand, where I plan to lead and the dark skeletons that hang in my closet. Nothing has brought more shame to the current congress than the outrageous hypocrisies that are unearthed almost on a daily basis. How can you trust a leader who hates gays in laws and speeches, but engages in homosexual behavior in public bathrooms? (wait for applause)

Let's have some integrity when we meet the candidates who are running for office. (Applause). (nod to someone on your right, smile, wave). With that in mind, you will not have to worry about the Times Intelligencer finding out I have a penchant for Rentboys while I tour France. My lord, I have a penchant for rentboys when I am here in the states as well. (hold for shocked reaction, then a spattering of applause and knowing smiles). (wave to someone, make a pretend gun with your hand and fire off some heartfelt admiration to someone.)

My wife is not a swinger, but she does love to smoke pot. Her lack of swinging has not slowed me down one bit. We have what you might call a don't ask, don't worry about it relationship, (hold for applause?)

I remember when I was a child and we would stand and do the pledge of allegiance. Now, I understand the Supreme Court has ruled that if a teacher wants to lead the class in the pledge, the teacher must recite it in Spanish, Chinese, Japanese and Kurd, then in English. Most schools have just stopped doing the pledge, and my fellow Americans, that is shameful.

In college I was convicted of minor theft. A class c felony. I think it was expunged from my record, but just in case, there it is, I got busted for stealing a couch. And a TV. And borrowing a car. Seriously, he said I stole it, but we were frat brothers, the keys were on the table, it was an unwritten rule. A few years after that, I got a DWI and spent 15 days locked up. Met a nice man in jail, not sure what happened to him though, it's been a few years. (stunned silence).

See, I am a different type of candidate. You want to know where I stand on an issue, ask. Wars? I hate 'em. Global warming? Prove it. Abortion? Only sometimes.

I want to make it clear, this country is in trouble. We can no longer afford the Washington DC spending spree. We have to stop spending and start saving. (hold for applause). Last year alone I spent 3500 dollars on prostitutes, so I know wasteful spending.

It's getting close to time to end those wars. We will need to bring our soldiers home. They deserve better. (hold for applause). It's time, as a country, that we put our fists in the air and scream, "screw you terrorists, you want some of this?" (hold for loud applause).

The president, god love him, he does know the English language. But Mr. President, stop worry about whether your gay friends can sanctify their unholy lifestyle in a church and start worrying about spending. I will keep it simple Harvard, spending bad, cutting useless programs, good. (applause).

I think we need less government involvement in our lives. (hold for applause). To be honest, I built a swimming pool in my backyard, not a single permit. My son wired the garage for power, tying into the neighbors electricity so he could set up grow lights in the garage. Brilliant, and it is smart thinking like that that will make this once great empire sparkle again. (applause).

Tea baggers, I applaud you. (applaud to the crowd). Thank you, together I think we can win this, and if nothing else, we can run a campaign built on planning for the future that is already almost here. We can elect a leader who does not hide from his foibles, he honestly embraces them and acknowledges them. With that in mind, two years ago I killed my accountant. (hold for silence).

Lades and gentlemen, husbands and fathers, sports fans and obese Wal-Mart shoppers, I accept this nomination, I am honored with this nomination, I welcome the opportunity to represent tea baggers and those who love tea baggers as we fight together to take back our country. (hold for loving applause, smile, wave).

Thank you. (hold arms in the air, victory is ours) I have not paid taxes in 14 years.

Thank you and god love you and god love, or god bless, yes, god bless America.