Dear BP

My friends at BP, I would like to offer my assistance in regards to your recent oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

First, before I solve your problem, I want to send a big giant fuck you to all you moronic dipshits.

Glad we got that out of the way.

Now, to solve your issues, there are two very good options.

First, option one, stop with the old methods that have never worked., We are talking about a leaking pipe about a mile under water. Now, why don't you find a bath tub for this little experiment. Fill the tub with all the water it can hold. Plug the drain with the tubs drain. Once the tub is filled with water, remove the plug and watch how it drains. Now, imagine the pipe under the drain is the pipe leaking oil in the Gulf. If you wanted to plug that drain, why not dump some socks, dirt, rocks, records, anything that will block it. But to make sure it is blocked, keep stuffing things into the drain. At first you will just slow the tub from draining, but the more junk you put in the drain, the slow it gets.

So, option one, drop rocks and sand, and dirt and anything else you can right on top of the leaking pipe. Build a mountain on top of the leaking pipe. A huge mountain of large rocks, smaller rocks, small rocks, sand, dirt and thick chunks of clay. Make it impossible for the oil to find a place to escape to.

My sense is, a week of building a huge mountain on top of your leaking pipe should do the trick. You are welcome.

Oh, yes, I have a second option.

Hire sponge Bob, he is, after all, a fucking sponge and will do a shit load better job than ANY of the idiotic ideas you have already tried.