Big mistake, not only is Cindy BingBang stupid and self centered, she is one of those people who can not even do something simple like go to the grocery store without it becoming opera level drama. So I set the phone down while she began the detailed description of whatever it was that had happened.
I had to walk down three flights of stairs to the kitchen, clean the coffee from the drainer, rinse that out, turn the grinder on, which makes an awful racket by the way, put a new filter in the machine, get fresh water into the back of the coffee maker, pour the freshly ground beans into the fresh filter, shut the entire mess up and turn it on, stand back and watch with anticipation as everything started to happen.
So I figured, while I was waiting, I may as well have a banana. Which I did. I like bananas, they are the staple of my diet. A few weeks ago I met with a nutritionist and I told her that since this past summer when I found out that me and gluten could not longer get along, bananas were now my go-to fruit of choice and the nutritionist, who’s name I do not recall, so I will call her Becky, as in SuperInShape Becky, said, “Oh bananas are really healthy.”
So, I ate a banana for breakfast and watched as the coffee was dripping into the carafe. Which reminded me, about a week ago my less than a year old coffee machine died, just one morning it stopped making coffee, which was not such a bad thing because it was a shitty design and I grew to hate it. This is what I hate about cheap foreign developed coffee makers, and I do not want to sound like some pampered American jerk face here, but seriously, if you are making something that holds a fluid that is to be poured, the very least that product should do is pour the god damned fluid without spilling it every damn time because the lip of the carafe is designed in such a shitty fashion that it automatically spills drops of coffee every morning. Then again, that coffee maker is gone and I no longer have to deal with that.
There was enough fresh brewed coffee in the new carafe and I took it’s pretty chrome handle and poured myself a cup and noticed that it was dripping on the newly installed tile cabinet top and I got a little pissed, because once again I had some sort of design flaw piece of shit coffee carafe that was going to slowly drive me insane and it was right then I realized I’d left the phone sitting next to my computer up three flights of stairs, so I slowly began the trek back to my bedroom.
I made it up, but by the time I got there I had to piss, so I took care of that, because the last thing I wanted to do was sit up in my bed, talking on the phone with Cindy Bingbang and drinking freshly brewed coffee with that feeling that I would soon have to piss. I took care of that, crawled into bed, picked up the phone and she said, “is that not the most fucked up thing you have ever heard?”
I said, “I am kind of speechless right now.”
“I know, right?” So, what do you think I should do?”
“Well,” I started, not sure at all what she should do since I had no clue whatsoever what she had been yammering about for the last 5-10 minutes. I decided to do some sort of jazz improvisation advice thing. “As you well know I’m not a relationship expert by any means, but just for your self esteem alone, I think you might want to take a break.”
“Huh? It was the wrong pizza that got delivered twice, what the fuck are you talking about? I should break up with Papa Johns? Are you high at 7:30 in the morning?”
“Is it 7:30 in the morning?”
“It most certainly is.”
“What the hell are you calling me at this ungodly hour for and telling me some bullshit story about pizza? My lord, what the hell is wrong with you.”
With that I hung up. Drank some coffee. Turned on the radio and sat there and thought to myself that maybe I should buy a better coffee maker.
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