That said, I just have no time for traditional golf, I’m a busy man. So a few years ago my good friend Hector and I got completely drunk one early morning, which is apparently what most golfers do anyway, and we proceeded to revolutionize the entire “sport” of golf.
First things first, golf is no more a sport than auto racing, archery or piloting small aircraft. Sure, these things all take a tiny bit of skill and reading a pamphlet of some sort with directions, but give me about 20 minutes and a decent cup of coffee and I could probably represent my country in the Olympics in any of these so-called sports.
Since we all agree that golf is not a sport, yet I got drunk and found a way to make it a sport. The secret, remove the whole part about getting that stupid little ball into the hole. My lord, do you have any idea how long that takes? Plus, that was the part that slowed the entire process down. Hector pointed that out right as we finished our first six pack of imported Bosnian beer. Hector said to me, “whyn’t we just skip the hole and hit it as far as possible an then run after it as fast as we can an hit it again?”
Brilliant, right? Thus, golf on speed (SpeedGolf) was born. Now, traditional golf has all sorts of silly rules, from Mulligans, to the infamous 7th hole reach around, which I was never comfortable with. In Speed Golf, you have exactly one minute per hole. Yes, you heard that correctly, one minute. Since we removed the goal of getting the little white ball into the small hole in the green, the real goal is to get it close to the green as possible and move on.
I’d like to say that Speed Golf is a gentlemans game, but much like the excessively slumber inducing tranny game played by the slow witted drag dressers, this game is unfriendly and best played drunk. People in a hurry are often angry and bitter. Plus, you have only 18 minutes to finish all 18 holes and you had best be in good shape. On most Speed Golf courses, the 15th hole usually has a few ambulances waiting because that’s traditionally where the heart attacks start. This, my friends, is a real sport.
In traditional golf it is almost unheard of to injure your knee, because golf has a low impact on your body, because for the most part, it is a slow game played by fat people. In Speed Golf, if you are moving through the course faster than the players in front of you, the rules require you to attack them with 9 irons, with shots to the knees. It’s not pretty and it can be dangerous, but it’s in the rules and it’s required.
Another aspect in Speed Golf that is completely different from tradition golf is the lack of silence. When I was playing boring old traditional golf you may hear some geezer whimper out a call of “fore” from some distance, but chances are he was even then too weak to really be hitting a ball anywhere near hard enough to actually be worthy of a warning. In Speed Golf yelling is part of the glory of the game, it’s required and again, if you go more than two holes without cussing, screaming at your partners or pissing on the green, out comes the nine iron and you’d best protect your groin.
This is not your grandfathers golf game. In fact, when I first played Speed Golf with my own grandfather, he used a platinum putter on my right temple on the third hole and screamed at me, “who’s winning now asshole” and I jumped to my feet and high fived him. Of course, by the ninth hole an ambulance hauled his lazy ass away, grandpa was not in the shape he thought he was and I will always miss that old coot.
Sure, Speed Golf is not for everyone. You are not allowed the wear those garish gay “golf” clothes that have become the fashion of suburban bozos around the world. No, multi-colored short shorts are part of the new look for Speed Golf, or just jock straps. Man up guys, you have 18 minutes to make it through the entire course, you won’t have time to complain while your sprinting around the acres and acres of grassy hills and men screaming out in pain and pissing on the greens.
A lot of older men become golfers because their bodies have begun to let them down and the only “sport” they can still do is hit a tiny ball with a stick. In Speed Golf that attitude is literally tossed on it’s head, and when I say tossed on it’s head, Speed Golfers will literally toss the slow, badly dressed traditional golfers on their head if they happen to wander onto the playing field of the rambunctious Speed Golfers, who are not only drunk and dangerous, but willing to use golf clubs as weapons on their own friends, imagine what they would do to others wearing garish pants and blank looks on their unwitting faces.
Speed Golf, coming to a public course near you.
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