So, there I was, laying in bed, doing what I seem to do a lot of lately, absentmindedly plotting a murder, and the phone rings. I answer and it's my better friend Houdini. He has news.
Me; "News you say?"
Houdini: "Huh?"
Me: "I said, news, you say?"
Houdini: "I think I said I had good news, and then you whimpered about how you have only had bad news and started in on your little drama, but I set the phone down and went to the kitchen and grabbed a cold beer, came back and you said something about a chicken goat or something. Then you said, news you say and that just freaked me the fuck out."
Me: "Right, so you have good news."
Houdini: "That I do. You know that girl I got pregnant."
Me: "Woman, please tell me she's a woman that you pregnated."
Houdini: "Is pregnated even a word?"
Me: "I believe so, yes."
Houdini: "Yeah, so I got good news."
Me: "Regarding the legal aged woman that you got pregnant."
Houdini: "Yeah. Her."
Me: "Let me guess, somehow, some way, she is no longer pregnant."
Houdini: "Even better news than that."
Me: "She had the baby."
Houdini: "No fuckin' way."
Me: "OK, step back. Good news, involving the pregnant woman..."
Houdini: "Right there."
Me: "What?"
Houdini: "She's not pregnant because, she is not a she."
Me: "You impregnated a woman who is a man? How do you do that? I could not even impregnate my first 3 wives."
Houdini: "That's the point. I did not. She was not. She could not. She was a he."
Me: "Oh, right. I see. Wait. What the fuck? Wait. How long have you two been dating?"
Houdini: "It's one of those modern romance situations."
Me: "How long have you been "benefiting" from this modern romance situation?"
Houdini: "Couple months."
Me: "OK, I think I get this. You are doing what adults in adult romantic situations do for a couple of months, so much so that at some point, the woman involved in this romantic situation claims to possibly be pregnant by way of some sort of romantic situation that the two of you must have been involved in, and since you were involved in such a thing, you were OK with that, until the day you find out the woman who may be carrying your beautiful love child is actually a dude, and then you consider that a good day because, well, you will not be a father."
Houdini: "Right."
Me: "See, I'm a glass half full type of guy. I would be more focused on the idea that for a few months I have been having sexual relations with a dude and did not notice it, in fact missed that fact so clearly, I thought I got him pregnant."
Houdini: "I know. Right?"
Me: "I know."
Houdini: "I'm a block away, picked up pizza, you got something to drink?"
First, I love this. Second, you posted this at 11:43 PM on a Saturday night? So, I am hoping it is real and Houdini is there and the pizza was warm. Also, thanks for these stories. I have not donated or anything, but I bookmarked your blog and return when I think about it and I love the mix of crazy stories and the most recent, I don't know what to call them, but then seem heart felt and somewhat dangerous. All the best and keep up the great work.
ReplyDeleteI love Houdini. Love. Now, my question, is he real?
ReplyDeleteDating and sex for two months and then you find out she is a guy? Smart friend you have.
ReplyDeleteWonderful
ReplyDeleteI love these sorts of stories.
ReplyDeleteI would love to see more of Houdini stories. He seems like a fun guy to follow around.
ReplyDeleteI hate to tell you this, but you could make money writing only about your adventures with Houdini and leave everything else alone.
ReplyDeleteUmmm, previous is high. I like the variety, some of the shit you write is boring, or shallow, or unknown to me, BUT sometimes you hit home runs, more often then most, and you can write brilliant words, touching, sweet, sad and often times funny. So, you have depth. The Houdini ones are always funny and wild, but there is a lot more to these, and you, which makes me come back and read up on what I have missed. Keep writing about everything and keep having a good time while doing it.
ReplyDeleteOh, and the doctor story? Fucking brilliant.
Can you post a link to the intro to Houdini? I remember reading it, but I can't find it. You really need a scorecard or something for people to be able to find aspects of this blog that refer to each other. Footnotes?
ReplyDeleteIf Houdini is real, and my personal guess is he is not, but if he is real, please have him post a guest blog.
ReplyDeleteGet to work, oh boy, a post involving Houdini, that has to be good, but you posted over the weekend, which means some morons already have been commenting. Let me just say this to the people who always have ways for you to make money, why don't they just click the DONATE button and they could help you make money right now? Oh, I know, it would be great for you to put out a book or something with all these stories, but if everyone of the people who frequent this blog donated, the talked of money would end.
ReplyDeleteOh, straight man here, but I think I love Houdini.
It's all good to me.
ReplyDeleteYES!
ReplyDeleteGod it's good to have lunch with Houdini. Now, if this sort of arrangement could be made on a daily basis, I'd be impressed.
ReplyDeleteWading through this site, love this post. Houdini is someone you should write about, a lot.
ReplyDeleteDoes Houdini have a real name?
ReplyDeleteAm I the only who actually reads this blog for content?
ReplyDelete