We've been talking about a lot about death

This much is true. I have been on the phone for about 27 hours straight. Death here, death there, what's that you say, death? Yes, death.

I am not sure how it all started, but our beloved dog, whom for the sake of her soul I will call Trudy, was hit by a truck a couple of days ago and died. Now, everyone loved Trudy, that is, everyone who came to visit over the past few years, stayed a few days and left. They would call from the airport, Trudy is just so sweet. Or Trudy slept with us last night, it was so cute. Trudy this, trudy that, and really, I loved Trudy, but honestly, Trudy was a dog.

A dog dammit. People buy clothes for their dogs. Special foods. They take them on planes and to bars. Haircuts, surgery and the right to marry in New York. It is insanity. As word spread that Trudy had died, my family began a cascade of never ending phone calls.

My cousin Ricky who lives in a trailer in rural Alabama called on Monday morning. She was drunk, but she said she saw my "Postin' on Facebook, bout Trudy and shit, and I wanna say I'm sorry, and shit."

Later my brother called, said how he and his wife loved when Trudy had slept on the bed with them last time they stayed with us. Yes, I said, she loved to sleep with strangers. Speaking of people who enjoy sleeping with strangers, I no sooner hung up the phone and the phone rang again, my nephew Sandifer. All lispy, I imagined he was prancing around his silly little apartment, holding some obnoxiously small dog in one hand and a picture of Brad Pitt in the other, the phone cradled to his well manicured ear, lisping ever so gentle, "I think I heard about Trudsy, she was killed, or something?"

I needed rest. I'm not sure what it is about tragedy that brings about the speed dial, but my phone would not stop ringing. My other brother called, the one who speaks in full sentences. He offered his condolences. I accepted. This is a brother who is a bit too competitive. He demanded to know how much the burial for Trudy would cost, I lied and said 12 thousand. He had his dog cremated, and cast in some exotic sculpture, 30 thousand. He is competitive about everything. "Losing the dog," he said, "anytime we face these moments, whether the dog, or when grandpa passed, it is a time to reflect. You where you think you should be."

Me: We really having this conversation.

Him: I think it would be OK.

Me: I am OK.

Him: Well, are you sad about the dog passing.

Me: In part, but you know, at the end of the day, she was a dog, not a child or a parent or a loved one, she was a pet.

Him: Still, we love our pets.

Me: Yeah, but under the right set of circumstances, on a cold winters night, she might have been a meal.

Him: Understood.

Me: And no, moments like this do not make me ponder.

Him: Pondering is good.

Me: So is the BBC.

Him: Hit and miss.

Me: True that.

Him: You know, I will probably out live you.

Me: How can you say that? I am younger than you.

Him: I am healthier.

Me: In what world?

Him: I am. I work out, I have never abused my body.

Me: What does that mean.

Him: I just have lived a healthy life.

Me: Yeah, but what are you inferring.

Him: I will out live you.

Me: First, I am two years younger than you. I am a trained martial arts expert. I can swim 15 miles, run 26.2 and cycle 100.

Him: In a day?

Me: Fuck no, what are you insane.

Him: All I am saying. I am certain that just judging from lifestyle and choices made over the long run.

Me: When did you sell your soul to the republican party. What does lifestyle and choices made mean?

Him: I think we both know what they mean in the context of you.

Me: OK.

Him: And that's all I am saying. I would just say, step back, look at the way both of us have lived, you know, marriage adds years, being single for long periods, subtracts, things like that add up. Plus, you have been a little hard on your body.

Me: Are you trying to piss me off.

Him: Not at all.

Me: On this, the day I am mourning the loss of my, what was she again?

Him: A dog?

Me: There you go.

Him: Not trying to piss you off. Trudy leaving us just got me thinking. I will miss you when you're gone.

Me: Oh, I get it. You know, you're really very funny. That was all a very funny set up. Very very funny. Oh, here, yes, I am still. Hold on. I think, yesm that was very funny. Now, listen, are you listening?

Him: (Smiling as he answered) Yes, I am listening.

Me: Good. You are right, I am certain to die years, possibly decades before you. No, that's not true, because just to fuck things up, karmically speaking, right as I am fading there in my death bed, I will grab you by the neck and strangle the very life out of you, just so you die right before me.

Him: I believe that's called cheating.

Me: I believe it is.

Him; Touche.

Me: Indeed.

Him: See you then?

Me: Of course, douche bag.

Him: Night.

No sooner than he had hung up, truly leaving my head spinning from a serious case of mind games and general jabber wabber, the phone rang again, I did not check caller ID, I just answered.

Me: Hello?

Mom: Matthew?

Me: Yes, Mom?

Mom: Yes, Matthew I needed to call.

Me: Why now?

Mom: Your dog is here with me.