A most important letter

A world famous economist emailed me yesterday. "Matt, I have been following your blog for a couple of years now. I like where you are going. Leave the number crunching to the professionals, I think you have found a new career."

About 3 years ago I was knee deep in the production of a long form film on the faltering economy. I had contacted this world famous economist, and he is so famous that if I gave you his initials you would know immediately who he is. Well, most of you would know, judging by the spelling and wit behind many of the comments posted in the comment section of this blog. Then again, the guy who wants pics of everything and the people who use fuck in every sentence, they would need a full name and an intense Google search. He's famous. Nobel famous. Sunday morning talking head famous.

I started this blog to run parallel with the film. Short clips of the film in progress were added to that site, all was well. Then, as almost everything else at the time, all funding ran dry. So I had all these interviews and interesting shots and no real cohesive narrative. Plus, I had interviewed or contacted some of the worlds leading economic thinkers, opinion makers, intellectuals and professors. Thus, this guy, this emailing Nobel prize winner, offering brilliant career advice.

Another letter writer:

"Dear Matt,
My wife and I no longer connect sexually."
Enough said, divorce the old bag of bones and find yourself a new, fresh, sexy one.

I see how easy it is to give advice, especially when you know nothing of the situation.

That said, I have some breaking news.

Flem responds to Faxing Allegations.

Serious republican presidential candidate Jasper Flem today admitted that in the early 80's he faxed images of his bare buttocks to friends of his as some sort of joke.

"This ain't shit," said the embattled right wing tea bagger. "The left wing media elite knows that the public is starting to get the Flem message. So they are digging in my past for any bullshit story they can find. Here's the truth. Me and Barbra, this transvestite dancer I used to enjoy the company of, spent an evening getting drunk on bourbon and using the office Xerox machine to take pictures of our asses. I went through the company directory and sent the best pictures to the board of directors. It was just all in good fun. This once great country is in a lot of trouble, not the least of which is a foreign born Kenyan muslin running the White House, and all you liberals can think of is how in tarnation could serious republican candidate Jasper Flem be sending pictures of his ass to corporate big wigs. You people disgust me."

When asked about the midnight ride of Paul Revere Flem continued with this rant against the Lame Stream Media, "you know as well as I do that Paul Revere drove a fairly new Ford Mustang and honked his horn, 3 if by chariot and a couple of short honks if there were hookers. It's in all the history books. Next question?"

The industrialist from Hickory Stick North Carolina is the leading "vote getter" in the latest Iowa straw poll. In fact, in that poll, Flem was ahead of Cain by 17 pieces of straw, a remarkable feat, since neither man is a politician, experienced, intelligent or anything other than a belligerent billionaire with money to burn.

Dear Matt
I read your blog on a consistant basis and I think you might have the sort of economic insight I am looking for. I have a good job in a decent city, and there is a foreclosed home in my neighborhood. Currently I rent, but I could buy this distressed home for 35 thousand dollars from the bank. I would have to kick out the "current owners" but the value of the house is probably 200 thousand. What's your thinking?

Well, obviously, since I have this blog, I am something of an expert on real estate. First, before you do anything else, go to the house right now and demand those deadbeats leave immediately. Then call the bank and offer them, oh, something like a third of what they want. Banks are desperate. Win win and all that.

Next.

Hey, this just in from the Flem press conference, which is being carried live on Fox News.

"Why yes, I did have sexual relations with my maid. In fact a couple of my maids. Hell, how you think I made all them kids?"

Dear Matt,
Your blogging makes you seem smart. How can I get a job in Aerospace?

What a good question. Hate to disappoint you, but I Googled it, there is no such thing as "aerospace". Nice try, but you were right about one thing, I am smart.

Dear Matt
Do you any good dating sites? I tried Match.com and it was all freaks and desperate fat people. I signed up for JDate, because I am Jewish and thought I would find my soul mate, but all I found were these neurotic messes with father issues and all I get now are almost daily threats from Jdate to either pay more money or never find the woman of my dreams. Do you know of any places where a nice guy could meet a serious woman?

Funny you should ask. Have you heard of Squirrel and Moose?

Live feed from the Flem press conference:

"Of course we should cut Medicare. You know what I think? We should end it immediately and if I am elected president, my first duty will be to completely defund Medicare, Social Security and the Military."

Dear Matt
Sometimes when I pee it hurts. Does this mean anything?

Nope. Not a problem at all.

Live feed from the Flem press conference:

"Oh, there you go again, with your fancy Gotcha question. Well, let me tell you Mr. Harvard liberal elitest. You ever fill your bathtub with crisp 100 dollar bills? I didn't think so. You ever have Warren Buffet pay you 27 billion dollars for your chemical company? No? Well, I did son. And there are a few things you think about when you are taking a bath in 100 dollar bills."

Dear matt
Do you plan to vote for Jasper Flem in 2012?

Duh.