A lot of questions

Dear Matt
We have been married for 3 years and recently my husband said he would like to "open things up." Any idea what he means when he says that?
Signed,
Confused

Confused,
I do speak both man-speak and passive aggressive lingo-speak, so let me offer some advice. Married 3 years you say? Well, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but your dear sweet husband is having an affair and instead of breaking up with you, or divorcing you, which would be, you know, kind of drama, he has decided to go for the home run and see if you might be maleable enough to join in.
I say, divorce him and almost immediately find yourself your own couple to become the third partner of. That way you prove you are liberal enough to engage in interesting relationship numerology, just not with liars and creeps.
Next?

Dear Matt
I read your blog all the time and some times they are funny and sometimes not.
Signed,
Reader

Reader,
So what?

Dear Matt
My dad has been sick for a few months. He is slowly dying in front of us. He will be gone within a year. My mother died about a year ago, there is not much for him to live for, he knows it, we all do too. He understands the disease he has will kill him soon enough and he seems to accept that. My problem is that I can't. I don't want to watch another day of him wasting away, I do not want my memories of him to be clouded of decay and loss of health. I want to remember him as a strong and vital man. I am filled with guilt over this. What should I do?
Signed,
Overwhelmed

Over,
He is dying and you are overwhelmed? Drama much? What the fuck is wrong with you? If I were you I would go thru your house right now and break every mirror because you spend way too much time focused on yourself and your own stupid feelings. Yeah, he is dying and will be gone soon enough, so what you don't like it. I don't like a lot of things, does not mean I can change them. Plus, you want to remember him as healthy and strong? Again, so what? Remember him any way you want, he won't care, what he will care about is if you loved, honored and respected him to the end. I could care less if he makes you sad or sick, stick with him till he stops breathing, stop being so self centered and enjoy every moment you have with him.

Dear Matt
You used to answer letters from readers of your blog. Have you stopped?
Letter writer who has questions

Writer,
I have a lot of letters people have been writing, and I am going to spend some time getting to some of them. Mostly though, they are either trolls, or morons, like the one above. So, I will be answering them, because I am lazy and sick and too tired to actually write something of substance.
Plus I might be coming down with something.
That and I think I am drunk