Everyone I know right now seems filled with an unbearable sadness, which is strange because I am the only one with a giant smile on my face and I truly have all the reasons in the world to be sad, and very sad at that.
First, whenever I mention I might be sad in any form the first question I am asked is, did your dog die and if so, please tell me how. No, in fact, right now my lovely dog Beth is pleasuring herself under the old desk in the entryway of our home here in the ghetto, because under that desk is a vent that allows the cool air to flow freely from the cold basement up to the upper floors of our incredibly hot house, or at least it would flow freely if my fat, out of shape hausfrau of a dog would move her lard ass, but that will not happen any time soon, if her behavior over the last month is to be any indicator.
So, in part the good news is Beth is alive and happy and even better, the Hemingway desk that she has taken refuge under is now the proud home of my new, but ancient, typewriter that I purchased for ten dollars at an idiots garage sale recently. The idiot was selling all sorts of great things for basically nothing, but since I am preparing to move, I only bought the ancient typewriter to add to my collection of ancient typewriters, of which Beth is now encamped under at least 3, all perched gently on top of a tiny old Hemingway writers desk in the entryway of my ghetto mansion.
The story behind the Hemingway desk is interesting. Hemingway was a big fat guy, known more for his excessive habits of food and broads than his writing, at least that’s what I’ve been told. Anyway, this unbearably fat guy once used this tiny little table that now sits in my entry way when he was once traveling through Pittsburgh, at least that is the story the lisping, prancing closeted old foolish man who sold it to me told me as he charged me 3 dollars for it. I’m not sure if I believed him, but since he was only Jewing me out of three bucks, I figured I get the desk and the story for really what amounts to nothing.
The bottom line is that while the rest of the house is actually smoldering in humid and unbearably hot weather, my ill-tempered, self-pleasuring lesbian dog is blocking the only avenue the entire house has to cooler air. That something actually came in the way of Rufus Cobbleskill, a large and foolish man who was fixing a leak in my kitchen sink yesterday. Rufus lives about fives houses down the block and has a reputation as both a complete stone cold plumber and a loud mouthed, gossiping, good for nothing, thrice married, deadbeat father of 37.
I rather like Mr. Cobbleskill. We were both drunk out of our minds when we negotiated the fee of 12 dollars for a complete rebuild of my kitchen sinks drain repair. It was far too low, I knew it when we agreed on the price, but Cobbleskill was wasted on a mixture of cheap grain alcohol and snorting plastic pipe glue and I had been taking pain killers for a kidney stone the side of a golf ball for the last 10 days, so my mind was just a little bit clearer than Robot Mitt Romneys.
I was upstairs this morning, speaking loudly into the phone to a woman from a New England book club, she had started it by speaking loudly to me, mostly because I had set my phone down and put it on speaker while I slid into my hot bath. I yelled, “what was the question?” and she replied by yelling back, “we were wondering why Branson is only available as an electronic book, at least 3 of our club do not have a Kindle or any other kind of e-book reader.”
“Why are you yelling at me?” I yelled into the speaker phone, which was nestled on a towel on the floor. Somewhere below me, I could hear Rufus Cobbleskill drunkenly yelling back at me, “I didn’’t yell nothin’ at you, shut the fuck up.”
The woman from the New England book club yelled into her phone, “ever since you put us on speaker, it’s the only way you can hear us, remember?”
“Remember what?”
“Remember it’s the only way you can hear us? If we don’t yell, you can’t hear us, remember?”
“Yelling at me is the only way I can hear you?” I yelled at the woman in New England, but Rufus Cobbleskill was now yelling at me from downstairs again, confusing my conversation with the good women in New England with some conversation going on inside his giant empty head, I’d imagine. He yelled up the stairs to me, “I said, shut the fuck up, ass hole.”
“Look,” I yelled towards the phone near my bath, “if those women are serious about being members of your god damned book club, they should invest in…”
“What the fuck you yelling at me for?” Rufus asked as he walked around the corner and turned to find me laying in the bath tub, completely submerged and of course naked as a jay bird. I held my head above the water line so I could yell at the phone, laying on the floor next to the tub. “Oh, you on the phone?” Rufus yelled.
“I am, ladies, this is Rufus Cobbleskill, he was supposed to be repairing my kitchen sink, instead he is drunk this early in the morning and interrupting both this call and my bath,” I yelled, so both the women in New England could hear and Rufus could understand his shame. He did not.
“Hey ladies,” he said, no shame what so ever.
“Hi Rufus,” a group of women said, some of whom too slow to purchase a kindle.
“I’m still nude in a tub and my drain in the kitchen still needs repair. Good day Rufus, good day.” He began to leave.
“Good day ladies,” he said
“Good day Rufus,” a choir of beautiful New England voices sprang from the speaker of my phone.
Rufus made his way downstairs and a voice from my phone yelled, “one thing I don’t understand, the fear of water thing, in book two, Branson has to swim across that lake and he admits he is completely afraid of water in any form, except drinking.”
“Yes,” I yelled.
“And here you are, in a tub.”
“Yes,” I yelled again and then I heard a loud noise from downstairs and Rufus yelled out “oh no” and almost instinctively, like only a father, someone who has known love and responsibility can know, I could sense something terrible had happened. I stood immediately, stepped from the tub, excused myself from the call and hung up the phone, grabbed a towel and ran downstairs and that’s where I saw the terrible thing that Rufus Cobbleskill had done.
In a typical drunken spill, Rufus, coming down the last step, had slipped and tried to grab anything he could find to slow his fall. He reached out and all he could manage to grab hold of was my ancient typewriter, which he did not so much as grab as he pull, which started a cascade effect, dragging three old typewriters down upon my lazy lesbian dog, killing her slowly, ironically enough, mostly with the letter e.
While that was kind of sad, the good news is the house is much cooler without her large body blocking the only vent to the basement.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Monday, May 28, 2012
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Tough guy
At about 4 this morning I woke with what I now know is the warning sign that I am passing a kidney stone and that warning sign is that feeling that I am about to give birth to a large baby from the middle of my spine.
The last time this happened I first thought that I had been sleeping with some sort of rock against my lower back. This time, I knew immediately that I would need to get to the hospital. Since I no longer drive, and since my driving child has taken the only car to a far off beach for the weekend, my only option was to cycle to the hospital at 4 AM.
I made it over the bridge before the tears and the pain was just too much. I stopped, waited for everything to subside and slowly made my way home. Once I made it back to my bed, I started chewing on Oxycodone tablets that I picked up months ago after some sort of surgery or something.
The pain pills and a few gallons of water have somehow flushed the stone somewhere, or I am so high on Oxy that I no longer care.
There is a lesson to be learned here. Two actually. First, on hot summer days remember to hydrate, that is key. Second, always and this is key, always keep pain medication on hand, because if you need to cycle to a far off hospital and find out you are too much of a girly man to make it, chewing down a few tablets will certainly change your attitude.
The last time this happened I first thought that I had been sleeping with some sort of rock against my lower back. This time, I knew immediately that I would need to get to the hospital. Since I no longer drive, and since my driving child has taken the only car to a far off beach for the weekend, my only option was to cycle to the hospital at 4 AM.
I made it over the bridge before the tears and the pain was just too much. I stopped, waited for everything to subside and slowly made my way home. Once I made it back to my bed, I started chewing on Oxycodone tablets that I picked up months ago after some sort of surgery or something.
The pain pills and a few gallons of water have somehow flushed the stone somewhere, or I am so high on Oxy that I no longer care.
There is a lesson to be learned here. Two actually. First, on hot summer days remember to hydrate, that is key. Second, always and this is key, always keep pain medication on hand, because if you need to cycle to a far off hospital and find out you are too much of a girly man to make it, chewing down a few tablets will certainly change your attitude.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
I love my father
"I hope to see him some day soon."
I have been chanting that line for a few weeks now. It's a line from a song that I can't seem to stop playing, even when I am cycling, which I am about to head off to do right now, and I am going to put headphones in and listen to that song, out on the hot roads of Pittsburgh, and think of my father and thank him.
I am going to thank him today for water. My new cycle has only one cage for water, although it has two places for cages, it only came with one. It has hex bolts in place for the second cage, and I needed to find my little handy hex bolt tool and put another cage in, because it will be 90 degrees today and I am going to ride 100 plus miles, so I need at least two bottles of fortified water.
"I love my father and I hope to see him some day soon."
My dad was strict about tools. He was good with his hands and his work tools were objects to be treasured. He did not mind us boys borrowing the tools, but you damn well better put them back exactly where you found them. I learned this the hard way, as a young boy I left a ratchet out in the field after repairing something and that evening, I believe I got smacked or berated or spanked or something. A lesson learned.
I needed my hex tool this morning and I found it without even thinking, because my father taught me many lessons, one of which, respect your tools and put them away. Second water bottle in place, bike ready.
"I love my father and I hope to see him someday soon."
I have been chanting that line for a few weeks now. It's a line from a song that I can't seem to stop playing, even when I am cycling, which I am about to head off to do right now, and I am going to put headphones in and listen to that song, out on the hot roads of Pittsburgh, and think of my father and thank him.
I am going to thank him today for water. My new cycle has only one cage for water, although it has two places for cages, it only came with one. It has hex bolts in place for the second cage, and I needed to find my little handy hex bolt tool and put another cage in, because it will be 90 degrees today and I am going to ride 100 plus miles, so I need at least two bottles of fortified water.
"I love my father and I hope to see him some day soon."
My dad was strict about tools. He was good with his hands and his work tools were objects to be treasured. He did not mind us boys borrowing the tools, but you damn well better put them back exactly where you found them. I learned this the hard way, as a young boy I left a ratchet out in the field after repairing something and that evening, I believe I got smacked or berated or spanked or something. A lesson learned.
I needed my hex tool this morning and I found it without even thinking, because my father taught me many lessons, one of which, respect your tools and put them away. Second water bottle in place, bike ready.
"I love my father and I hope to see him someday soon."
Friday, May 25, 2012
Why I never go to the hospital
A couple of weeks ago I was juggling chain saws with Tumbleweed Romney and one got a little wild on me and cut off my arm. Tumble said he would drive me to the hospital and I started laughing and he said that it was the loss of blood making me crazy, but I said there was no way I'd ever go back to a hospital. Today, while I was eating yogurt and listening to the Sex Pistols I saw this headline, I rest my case. "Man in hospital discovers he's a woman"
That book thing
I had a conversation, because I recently told a friend that I have a detective novel for sale on Amazon. She said, can I get it for free. I said yes. Of course. You can get it for free. I gave her this link. Here. When she followed that link, she complained that the book was not free at all, but that it was 5.50 in American dollars, and different prices around the world.
I explained that at some point there would be some sort of promotion and it would be free for an entire day. That seemed to quiet her down. Then she asked what day would that be. I said never. That totally got her angry again, an anger I was unprepared for, but I always carry a fire extinguisher and a bag of candy.
I told her I was joking about the whole never comment. Someday, someday I said, it would be free. For one day? She asked me.
I said, yes, for an entire 24 hour period.
She ate some candy and tried to wash off the chemicals that were left behind from the fire extinguisher.
I said, you know, it would be a little cheaper to just pay the 5.50.
I did not hear what she said after that, it may have been thank you, or something like that. I hope it was thank you. People should say thank you more often.
I explained that at some point there would be some sort of promotion and it would be free for an entire day. That seemed to quiet her down. Then she asked what day would that be. I said never. That totally got her angry again, an anger I was unprepared for, but I always carry a fire extinguisher and a bag of candy.
I told her I was joking about the whole never comment. Someday, someday I said, it would be free. For one day? She asked me.
I said, yes, for an entire 24 hour period.
She ate some candy and tried to wash off the chemicals that were left behind from the fire extinguisher.
I said, you know, it would be a little cheaper to just pay the 5.50.
I did not hear what she said after that, it may have been thank you, or something like that. I hope it was thank you. People should say thank you more often.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
The book is ready
Sometimes you get circuits flim flammed, or some other technical term, but the book is right here, it's a sweet detective novel that is just about perfect for summer reading. Branson, for love or money only took about 30 years to get out, but here it is. Enjoy.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
A true story
I was in my local Trader Joes and I needed to grab some bananas, but the banana delivery man just happened to be delivering a fresh crop of perfect yellow bananas, so I tried to reach past his boxes of fruits and he saw me stretching and said in a very friendly voice, "let me move so you can get in deeper" and I looked up at him and said, almost without thinking, "that's what she said."
We both smiled and he said, "I always wanted to do that, especially in public."
I kept looking at him like he might be a little slow and his head cocked a bit to the side and I said, again, "that's what she said."
We both smiled and he said, "I always wanted to do that, especially in public."
I kept looking at him like he might be a little slow and his head cocked a bit to the side and I said, again, "that's what she said."
Online printing troubles
I am having some printing work done for marketing materials for a new book that my little company is releasing. In doing this, I have found the online printing company to be a little misleading, so I just realized I had yet to hear about my latest printing jobs current progress, so I logged onto the companies website and engaged one of their online chat gurus in the following conversation.
Please wait for a site operator to respond.
You are now chatting with 'Jonathan'
Jonathan: Hi Matt.
Jonathan: Welcome to Customer Service. How may I help you today?
Matt Bertles: I just realized I had not received an email that this job, # 00469354, had shipped, whats up? I expected these cards next week.
Jonathan: Let me check on that job.
Jonathan: One moment please.
Matt Bertles: Weird, ordered on monday, says it will ship thursday?
Matt Bertles: Holiday weekend coming up, when would that make the delivery?
Jonathan: Just to clarify, is this an order 4" x 3.5" Business Cards?
Matt Bertles: Yes, that was the order on Monday, 3 days ago.
Jonathan: Thank you for clarifying.
Matt Bertles: Sure. No problem. I will wait.
Jonathan: It shows here that your order will be finish and will be ship at the end of the day Thursday, May 24, 2012.
Matt Bertles: Really? Why is it taking so long from order to shipping? And when will it be delivered?
Jonathan: Yes.Please be advised that our production turnaround time does not include shipping transit time.
Jonathan: It shows here that you placed the order on Monday, Therefore this will be in production the next business day.
Matt Bertles: Right, thursday is not the next business day from Monday is it? Let me quickly check my calender, right, this week, just like last week, there was a TUESDAY after Monday, we did not go directly to Thursday.
Jonathan: For a 3day turnaround the first production is on Tuesday.
Matt Bertles: Wow. See, you seem to be agreeing with me.
Jonathan: That is why it will be finish on Thursday.
Jonathan: That is a 3day turnaround time.
Matt Bertles: There should be a warning online that is very clear and explains that the CLIENT will be waiting up to 10 days for their simple printing job.
Matt Bertles: Brilliant way to run a business. Not too mention, you seem to be the slowest typist in the entire world.
Matt Bertles: No mention of this when placing an order. I wonder why that is.
Matt Bertles: Thanks. I like how your website brags about how fast the order will be taken care of. There should be a giant monkey that appears and screams, your order will now take 10 days to complete.
Matt Bertles: Add in the holiday weekend, I may as well done these myself with crayons.
Matt Bertles: Can you tell me when I will receive this project?
Matt Bertles: Please. I will just wait while you type with, what, a single finger?
Jonathan: For a 4day transit time. The item will arrive to you Friday, June 1,2012.
Jonathan: Let me clarify that.
Matt Bertles: So, just to be clear, I place the order for these cards on a monday, and a week and 4 days later, I get the order delivered to my home? Do you consider that good service?
Jonathan: The item will arrive Thursday, May 31,2012.
Matt Bertles: Wow.
Matt Bertles: That really sucks.
Matt Bertles: This is shameful.
Jonathan: We do not do same day printing.
Matt Bertles: Again, shocking. Yeah, I can see you do not do “same day printing” but you may want to put that on your website, instead of making promises you have no way of meeting.
Matt Bertles: And slow.
Matt Bertles: Terrible.
Matt Bertles: 10 day service is shit.
Matt Bertles: The savings are not worth it.
Jonathan: We do not do production on weekend and holidays.
Matt Bertles: Obviously. Or on Tuesdays or Wednesdays. Those are what? Some sort of holidays where you come from? The land of single finger typing?
Matt Bertles: OK, thanks. You have been a big help. It feels super good to know that a simple printing job that I ordered on Monday, you know, a card, a one sided card, will take about 10 days for your company to print. No wonder our country is falling behind. It is the slow typing, slow working, non-printing, lying website using people like you that will ruin this once great country.
Jonathan: And also shipping.
Jonathan: You are welcome!
Jonathan: Feel free to contact us again if you have any questions or concerns.
Matt Bertles: Terrible service all around.
Jonathan: If you have a moment, we would really like to hear about your Customer service experience. Just click on the Help us Improve button at the upper portion of our website.
Jonathan: Your feedback, comments or suggestion will be highly appreciated so we may serve you better.
Matt Bertles: no way
Jonathan: Thank you for using Live Chat. Have a nice day!
Matt Bertles: Yes, you guys are slow witted morons who should hired dolphins to work in customer service.
Matt Bertles: My dog poops faster than you type.
Please wait for a site operator to respond.
You are now chatting with 'Jonathan'
Jonathan: Hi Matt.
Jonathan: Welcome to Customer Service. How may I help you today?
Matt Bertles: I just realized I had not received an email that this job, # 00469354, had shipped, whats up? I expected these cards next week.
Jonathan: Let me check on that job.
Jonathan: One moment please.
Matt Bertles: Weird, ordered on monday, says it will ship thursday?
Matt Bertles: Holiday weekend coming up, when would that make the delivery?
Jonathan: Just to clarify, is this an order 4" x 3.5" Business Cards?
Matt Bertles: Yes, that was the order on Monday, 3 days ago.
Jonathan: Thank you for clarifying.
Matt Bertles: Sure. No problem. I will wait.
Jonathan: It shows here that your order will be finish and will be ship at the end of the day Thursday, May 24, 2012.
Matt Bertles: Really? Why is it taking so long from order to shipping? And when will it be delivered?
Jonathan: Yes.Please be advised that our production turnaround time does not include shipping transit time.
Jonathan: It shows here that you placed the order on Monday, Therefore this will be in production the next business day.
Matt Bertles: Right, thursday is not the next business day from Monday is it? Let me quickly check my calender, right, this week, just like last week, there was a TUESDAY after Monday, we did not go directly to Thursday.
Jonathan: For a 3day turnaround the first production is on Tuesday.
Matt Bertles: Wow. See, you seem to be agreeing with me.
Jonathan: That is why it will be finish on Thursday.
Jonathan: That is a 3day turnaround time.
Matt Bertles: There should be a warning online that is very clear and explains that the CLIENT will be waiting up to 10 days for their simple printing job.
Matt Bertles: Brilliant way to run a business. Not too mention, you seem to be the slowest typist in the entire world.
Matt Bertles: No mention of this when placing an order. I wonder why that is.
Matt Bertles: Thanks. I like how your website brags about how fast the order will be taken care of. There should be a giant monkey that appears and screams, your order will now take 10 days to complete.
Matt Bertles: Add in the holiday weekend, I may as well done these myself with crayons.
Matt Bertles: Can you tell me when I will receive this project?
Matt Bertles: Please. I will just wait while you type with, what, a single finger?
Jonathan: For a 4day transit time. The item will arrive to you Friday, June 1,2012.
Jonathan: Let me clarify that.
Matt Bertles: So, just to be clear, I place the order for these cards on a monday, and a week and 4 days later, I get the order delivered to my home? Do you consider that good service?
Jonathan: The item will arrive Thursday, May 31,2012.
Matt Bertles: Wow.
Matt Bertles: That really sucks.
Matt Bertles: This is shameful.
Jonathan: We do not do same day printing.
Matt Bertles: Again, shocking. Yeah, I can see you do not do “same day printing” but you may want to put that on your website, instead of making promises you have no way of meeting.
Matt Bertles: And slow.
Matt Bertles: Terrible.
Matt Bertles: 10 day service is shit.
Matt Bertles: The savings are not worth it.
Jonathan: We do not do production on weekend and holidays.
Matt Bertles: Obviously. Or on Tuesdays or Wednesdays. Those are what? Some sort of holidays where you come from? The land of single finger typing?
Matt Bertles: OK, thanks. You have been a big help. It feels super good to know that a simple printing job that I ordered on Monday, you know, a card, a one sided card, will take about 10 days for your company to print. No wonder our country is falling behind. It is the slow typing, slow working, non-printing, lying website using people like you that will ruin this once great country.
Jonathan: And also shipping.
Jonathan: You are welcome!
Jonathan: Feel free to contact us again if you have any questions or concerns.
Matt Bertles: Terrible service all around.
Jonathan: If you have a moment, we would really like to hear about your Customer service experience. Just click on the Help us Improve button at the upper portion of our website.
Jonathan: Your feedback, comments or suggestion will be highly appreciated so we may serve you better.
Matt Bertles: no way
Jonathan: Thank you for using Live Chat. Have a nice day!
Matt Bertles: Yes, you guys are slow witted morons who should hired dolphins to work in customer service.
Matt Bertles: My dog poops faster than you type.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
The joker
So, for a few hours this weekend I was telling these hilarious jokes to a 7 month old in Brooklyn. I know they were hilarious, because he was kind of standing on my belly and he would listen to most of my joke and then he would just start laughing like it was the funniest thing he had ever heard. So I figure, he’s probably right, these were some pretty funny jokes.
Branson contest moves up
The release of the first in a series of Branson detective novels has been moved up, so you summer Kindle readers can rejoice. Now, if you'd like a free copy of the new Branson, there is a contest right here, try and guess the title and win not only a copy, but all sorts of Swag from the big Branson marketing push. Oh you'd get posters and pins, giant heads and at least one lesbian Australian attorney. 
Monday, May 21, 2012
Dancing
“Get in,” the gray haired elderly man screamed from the front seat of the Audi. “You’re Ron Paul,” I said. “That’s right, here, drink this.” He handed me a flask and I took a sip. It was sour and tart and tasted like lighter fluid. I asked what it was and he screamed at me, “cough syrup, meth and some Viagra.” That pretty much explained everything about the Ron Paul campaign I would need to know. With the exception of the Viagra, so I asked the candidate “why Viagra?” His wrinkled little wrist shot up and his thumb pointed to the back seat. That’s where three illegal ugly Canadian prostitutes were smiling, some toothless, all wearing Winnipeg Flamingo Hockey jerseys. It was right about then that I thought to myself “this was not going to get any prettier.”
Dancing with Mannequins and Idiots - Only on Amazon.
Dancing with Mannequins and Idiots - Only on Amazon.
Branson contest
You see this? You could win some swag if you can guess (ore remember) the title of the first Branson novel, which will soon be released. Click here for the contest. What's the Branson stuff? Probably has something to do with this poster thing. 
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
London statue sticker
Hey, are you one of those people putting stickers around the world? You should be, because you too could win something like an Ipad, notice it said something like an Ipad. Click here.
Romney campaign fires lesbian consultant
(AP) Provo, Utah –
Australian Lesbian and fairly famous defense attorney Beth Libitard, featured in a decent selling book about her exploits surviving and sometimes not surviving numerous hilarious attempts on her life, has either quit or been fired from the Romney Campaign.
Just last week Romney, “2012 official campaign motto, “who else?” hired Libitard to be special liaison to all things pets, especially after the whole “tied the dog on the top of the car and drove 5 thousand miles to Mexico and back and never bothered to see that it had frozen to death” story that just won’t seem to go away.
Beth came on board and promised to bring new and fresh air to the wilting campaign, but was met by a jaded and bitter Washington DC press corps, more interested in Bin Ladens last minutes and the economy that important things like proper pet care.
When the religious right got wind that Beth was an out and proud Lesbian they hit the Sunday talk show circuit. One fat white guy on Fox News said “Romney is weaving so far left now he’s hired a lesbian to help him unnerstan’ dogs. What next, lettin’ men and goats get married?”
After viewing the Fox News morning talk show, Beth Libitard was quoted as saying, “that guy was fat, stupid and republican. If I’m not wrong, that is almost the trifecta for being elected governor of Mississippi.”
Mitt Romney wanted to personally apologize for hiring an out and proud lesbian and said clearly that magic underwear will help make him a better candidate. “If you have any further questions, please forward them to my new press secretary, Dan Savage.”
Australian Lesbian and fairly famous defense attorney Beth Libitard, featured in a decent selling book about her exploits surviving and sometimes not surviving numerous hilarious attempts on her life, has either quit or been fired from the Romney Campaign.
Just last week Romney, “2012 official campaign motto, “who else?” hired Libitard to be special liaison to all things pets, especially after the whole “tied the dog on the top of the car and drove 5 thousand miles to Mexico and back and never bothered to see that it had frozen to death” story that just won’t seem to go away.
Beth came on board and promised to bring new and fresh air to the wilting campaign, but was met by a jaded and bitter Washington DC press corps, more interested in Bin Ladens last minutes and the economy that important things like proper pet care.
When the religious right got wind that Beth was an out and proud Lesbian they hit the Sunday talk show circuit. One fat white guy on Fox News said “Romney is weaving so far left now he’s hired a lesbian to help him unnerstan’ dogs. What next, lettin’ men and goats get married?”
After viewing the Fox News morning talk show, Beth Libitard was quoted as saying, “that guy was fat, stupid and republican. If I’m not wrong, that is almost the trifecta for being elected governor of Mississippi.”
Mitt Romney wanted to personally apologize for hiring an out and proud lesbian and said clearly that magic underwear will help make him a better candidate. “If you have any further questions, please forward them to my new press secretary, Dan Savage.”
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Italy stickers
Are you in on the sticker campaign? It's all right here. Get some, put some around your little area, take some digital pictures, send them in, see them online and win an Ipad.
Look here, this one, or two, are from someone in, oh I don't know, Italy somewhere. I will guess Florence.
Look here, this one, or two, are from someone in, oh I don't know, Italy somewhere. I will guess Florence.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Oh, that...
In case you have not noticed the big black and red box to the right of this post. Click it and magic happens. Or, some sort of magic. You go to Amazon, where you can purchase a copy of the new Dancing with Mannequins and Idiots book.
It's true, there were bits and pieces thrown out on this blog, teases as it were, little tiny teases for you to wonder, "would I ever get the full steak entree?"
Ask no more. Your meal has arrived.
So, do me a favor, click that box and buy that book, and then like it, even if you hate it, and review it with glowing words of wisdom and wit, again, even if you hate it, because, well, because.
By the way, that would be parenting tip number 17 million. The answer to all things "why?" is Because.
Here then, a quote from the super quote worthy press release for the book, Dancing with Mannequins and Idiots, now available on Amazon and only Amazon, don't ask, but I will tell you this much, one of my knees was broken.
"“I think it’s true, money can’t buy you love, or happiness or countless blonde haired bimbo wives, or numerous cadillacs or even clean up your reputation as the most corrupt speaker of the house of representatives in the history of corrupt speakers of the house of representatives. If there is one thing I will take away from all those sleepless nights on the campaign trail, following those feckless men and that one she-male, it would have to be what Mitt Romney whispered to me after he lost South Carolina and his son Tumbleweed had offered me a ride on the governors campaign plane by mistake. Romney leaned over to me and in a rather threatening Clint Eastwood type voice, at least for a man who wears magic underwear he said, “I may have lost tonight, heck, I may lose every single one of these stupid beauty pageants from here on out, but every morning I get to wake up and not be you.”
Click that red and black box as often as possible, it would made a wonderful mothers day gift.
It's true, there were bits and pieces thrown out on this blog, teases as it were, little tiny teases for you to wonder, "would I ever get the full steak entree?"
Ask no more. Your meal has arrived.
So, do me a favor, click that box and buy that book, and then like it, even if you hate it, and review it with glowing words of wisdom and wit, again, even if you hate it, because, well, because.
By the way, that would be parenting tip number 17 million. The answer to all things "why?" is Because.
Here then, a quote from the super quote worthy press release for the book, Dancing with Mannequins and Idiots, now available on Amazon and only Amazon, don't ask, but I will tell you this much, one of my knees was broken.
"“I think it’s true, money can’t buy you love, or happiness or countless blonde haired bimbo wives, or numerous cadillacs or even clean up your reputation as the most corrupt speaker of the house of representatives in the history of corrupt speakers of the house of representatives. If there is one thing I will take away from all those sleepless nights on the campaign trail, following those feckless men and that one she-male, it would have to be what Mitt Romney whispered to me after he lost South Carolina and his son Tumbleweed had offered me a ride on the governors campaign plane by mistake. Romney leaned over to me and in a rather threatening Clint Eastwood type voice, at least for a man who wears magic underwear he said, “I may have lost tonight, heck, I may lose every single one of these stupid beauty pageants from here on out, but every morning I get to wake up and not be you.”
Click that red and black box as often as possible, it would made a wonderful mothers day gift.
An apology, of sorts
I notice that there was a bit of trouble here, in blog land while I have been away, answering questions. I never even thought this blog was worthy of a hacking attack. Go figure.
Anyway, as you can see, it is back to being boring and super gay friendly, just like the president.
So enjoy the video of the Harvard baseball team below and if you are like me, you too will be asking yourself, which one it the pitcher.
Anyway, as you can see, it is back to being boring and super gay friendly, just like the president.
So enjoy the video of the Harvard baseball team below and if you are like me, you too will be asking yourself, which one it the pitcher.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Monday, May 7, 2012
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Libitard joins Romney Campaign
The Mitt Romney Campaign has announced that attorney Beth Libitard will be working with and representing the campaign as pet liaison.
As an accomplished criminal defense attorney, Australian thrill Seeker Libitard is actually more famous for surviving several assassination attempts at the hands of notorious Belarusian crazy president Alexander Lukashenko. Just last fall Lukashenko sent no less than three exploding Belarus Ballerinas, all part an elaborate, yet sadly beautiful and tragic 3 act ballet version of the James Cameron film Titanic. While the Ballet itself was an exploding wonderland of epic body parts, Beth forgot she had tickets and missed what would certainly have been her death.
The Romney campaign is proud to welcome Beth Libitard on-board and expects her wisdom and brilliance to bring many days and nights of treats.
Beth Libitard is apparently the subject of a book.
As an accomplished criminal defense attorney, Australian thrill Seeker Libitard is actually more famous for surviving several assassination attempts at the hands of notorious Belarusian crazy president Alexander Lukashenko. Just last fall Lukashenko sent no less than three exploding Belarus Ballerinas, all part an elaborate, yet sadly beautiful and tragic 3 act ballet version of the James Cameron film Titanic. While the Ballet itself was an exploding wonderland of epic body parts, Beth forgot she had tickets and missed what would certainly have been her death.
The Romney campaign is proud to welcome Beth Libitard on-board and expects her wisdom and brilliance to bring many days and nights of treats.
Beth Libitard is apparently the subject of a book.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Thursday, May 3, 2012
uhhhhhhh, dude, chicks with sticks....uhhhhhh
This is, of course, part of the world wide Sticker the World and win an Ipad campaign. Click here to learn more, or see more, or just enjoy the experience of clicking.
My cat has put on some pounds, it's true
Our cat has gained weight over the winter months and I am not happy about it at all. In fact, whatever her name used to be, the only name anyone calls her now is Fatcat. I will say, “could someone please feed Fatcat to shut her the hell up.”
This is what our life with Fatcat is like now. First let me say this, I know it’s bad to call her Fatcat, but at this point I could care less about her self esteem issues and her potential future drug problems. I call bullshit on all that anyway. I was trying to focus on a serious project a few days ago and in the midst of almost complete silence I hear plop plop plop to be followed by incredibly loud meow meow meow. That stopped, but only momentarily. Plop plop plop. Meow meow meow. Sure, it was a room away, but her fat feet plopping around on the old wood floors and the echo in her extra large body cavity with its cavernous meow chamber made the noise almost unbearable. Meow indeed.
At some point we had a nice cat. Bosco I think his name was. He left for Chicago to pursue a career in the arts. I think that’s what the kids told me. The neighbor kid with a mild case of Asburgers Syndrome told me once Bosco got hit my an ice cream truck. Life is confusing.
If you feed Fatcat, she will shut up for hours at a time. That is our dilemma. You see it now for yourself, don’t you? She is fat, and her plopping loudly around is only enhanced by her fatness, but her silence is purchased by feeding her, which enhances her weight, which goes on and on. Not quite the circle of life, maybe the circle of high cholesterol and an early onset of kitty diabetes, leading to some sort of traumatic, yet kind of hysterical obese cat heart attack. I’m not saying I will grab a snack and watch, but after months, quite possibly years of plop plop, meow meow, payback could be quite the welcome retreat.
This is what our life with Fatcat is like now. First let me say this, I know it’s bad to call her Fatcat, but at this point I could care less about her self esteem issues and her potential future drug problems. I call bullshit on all that anyway. I was trying to focus on a serious project a few days ago and in the midst of almost complete silence I hear plop plop plop to be followed by incredibly loud meow meow meow. That stopped, but only momentarily. Plop plop plop. Meow meow meow. Sure, it was a room away, but her fat feet plopping around on the old wood floors and the echo in her extra large body cavity with its cavernous meow chamber made the noise almost unbearable. Meow indeed.
At some point we had a nice cat. Bosco I think his name was. He left for Chicago to pursue a career in the arts. I think that’s what the kids told me. The neighbor kid with a mild case of Asburgers Syndrome told me once Bosco got hit my an ice cream truck. Life is confusing.
If you feed Fatcat, she will shut up for hours at a time. That is our dilemma. You see it now for yourself, don’t you? She is fat, and her plopping loudly around is only enhanced by her fatness, but her silence is purchased by feeding her, which enhances her weight, which goes on and on. Not quite the circle of life, maybe the circle of high cholesterol and an early onset of kitty diabetes, leading to some sort of traumatic, yet kind of hysterical obese cat heart attack. I’m not saying I will grab a snack and watch, but after months, quite possibly years of plop plop, meow meow, payback could be quite the welcome retreat.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
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