Hospitals

I was at my favorite hospital this afternoon, visiting with my second favorite doctor, an older woman I will call Alice, because I like the name Alice, although I think her real name is Eileen, which is not a name I like so much. I could go on and on about my super favorite doctor, because we are kind of magically in love with one another, but I want to keep focused on the important information I gleaned at the hospital.

When I was walking through the halls to Alice's office, I had to pass a few older Americans using walkers. At one point I thought to myself why are there so many old people with walkers? Seriously. There is a huge fat American woman in my neighborhood who has some sort of electric chair that she gobs around the neighborhood in. All fat and slow and disgusting, not her chair, but her. Why can't we get old people in chairs with some sort of power device, maybe even solar, how cool would that be? Then, let the fat woman walk for gods sake, I mean, seriously, she is probably 25 years old, maybe more, maybe less, hard to tell with all those layers.

Anyway, the doctors office was interesting today. First, outside the office were a couple of drug reps chatting it up. Seems like times are slow for the drug trade, which for my thinking is a good thing. Americans, both old and fat, take way too many legal drugs, and in my book, not nearly enough illegal ones. Here is how I see it, if my fat neighborhood electric seat driver would do some meth, she would be up and walking and scratching imaginary itches all over her face in no time. Instead, she is probably taking some diabetic medicine and heart medicine and blood medicine and god knows what else, although I am imagining some sort of cheeseburger drug that she is closing to ODing on.

Side note, a few weeks ago I was using my video camera for good and ended up talking with an old Jewish woman, who is dying of cancer. We talked about many things, because the medicine she is taking is the exact same one I was once taking and we both had the same reactions. I will not go into details, suffice to say, sometimes we did not make it to the toilet. Anyway, while we were talking, and I remind you, she is well over 70 years old, I mentioned to her that in her condition, it might be wise to smoke some pot. She looked at me and said, 3 older people have offered the same advice. In fact, at a recent wedding, the groom offered to go get high with her. Now, first, how come I do not get invited to these weddings? Second, she did not, but she does plan to start smoking pot, and third, she was an adorable older Jewish woman and I think I like her. I do have a thing for older Jewish women, and if you add pot smoking older Jewish women to that list, I get even more excited. I bet she would be a hoot with a buzz on and a garlic pizza set for delivery.

So, outside of the doctors office door are these two hotty drug peddlers, I mean big pharma reps, talking business, as I approached. I don't look like much, so instead if halting their intense business conversation, the just continued, not paying a bit of attention to the approach of the nosey Jew. What were they talking about? Both were lamenting the downturn in the drug pushing trade. Imagine how cool that is, less people employed, means fewer people with insurance, which means fewer people able to afford their "medicine". Both were very good looking, one a woman, younger, with legs one would kill for. The other, a nondescript male, not good looking, dark suit and boring expression on his face.

I went into the office. Sat down next to this healthy looking your man and grabbed a People Magazine. The office was almost full of, yes, you guessed it, old people. Most without walkers thank god, because today, nothing pisses me off more than old people with walkers. The door opened and in comes the hotty drug peddler, who sat in front of me, but not before I noticed she had these skinny skinny legs and a beautiful short dress. Right about then, I thanked the lord sweet jesus for global warming. Why not?

OK, so because the doctor was so busy, the drug woman gave up on waiting for a face to face meeting, threw a handful of free drugs to the receptionist and high tailed it out of there. The young, healthy looking man next to me put down his hand held video game for a second and said to me, "did you see her?" I said, yes, but I do not associate with drug dealers.

Side note, that is not always the case. I have a good friend in Seattle who sells illegal drugs, I think as a side business, but I am not sure. I called him on my way home and asked how business was. We had to speak in hushed tones and use phrases like, "how goes the landscaping business?" and he would say, "everything is green." Which means he has some good marijuana, I think. I asked him if the economy is causing him any "trouble" and he replied not at all, because more people have more time, which means party central. Good news, I guess.

Anyway, the young man next to me said he was lucky he was just there with his dad, because all the patients looked like they were dying. He asked me if I was there to pick up my mom, because I look super healthy and appear to be the type of person who would go to a doctors office to pick up an elderly and sick mother. I kind of let his question pass. He mentioned that he was 16 and his dad was 75. I smiled and said good for him, his father, because that means he was 59 and breeding, which is both disgusting and kind of amazing. I am no where near 59 and I am so tired of breeding I may have forgotten how.

One of the things I did accomplish today was get a green light to again take medication that completely fucks up my brain, which I took, and now I am at a loss for words to finish the point of this story.