The truth about education

WASHINGTON—The U.S. Department of Education released a comprehensive, nationwide evaluation of American schools Monday indicating that attempts to teach absolutely anything to these little shits is just a huge waste of everybody's time.

"We remain committed to providing every student in the country with access to a high-quality education," said Education Secretary Arne Duncan, adding that good schools are a key component to the success of American democracy. "But to be honest, none of that matters. We're not talking about promising young scholars here—we're talking about a bunch of fucking animals."

"We've basically flushed $11,000 down the toilet for every single one of these little bastards," Duncan continued. "Not to mention 18 years of my life."

The study, which analyzed the effectiveness of both public and private schools, found that efforts to enlighten these terrors on the subjects of math, history, grammar, and science are as productive as slamming your head into a goddamn brick wall. The research also confirmed that the unbearable shits, who take everything for granted, consistently piss away each learning opportunity they're given.

"When I first started teaching, I would see the smiling faces in my classroom and get excited about nurturing their young minds," said Melanie Whitman, 35, a first-grade teacher quoted in the report. "Now I can't look up from my desk without wanting to puke at the sight of all those little psychopaths."

Secretary Duncan said the study is the first to provide detailed evidence in support of the theory that third-grader Scott Kriesel is a complete fuck-up and perhaps even the living incarnation of Satan.

According to the report, billions of dollars in federal resources have been spent to modernize classrooms and improve teacher training, even though the little brats spend their entire days carving profanities into desks, shouting at whoever's in charge, and refusing to sit down, shut up, and actually learn something for once.

In addition, research suggests that school boards across the nation have grown tired of fighting to obtain funding for brand-new textbooks only to have the miserable fucks just deface them all with ejaculating penis drawings on the first day of class.

When asked if charter schools might help solve some of the problems faced by public education, Deputy Education Secretary Anthony W. Miller told reporters the data indicated any difference they made would amount to jack shit.

"Some charter schools perform better than their public counterparts, some don't," Miller said. "You can't change the fact that any school, no matter how it's funded, is ultimately just another type of building to contain these goddamn monsters for seven hours a day."

Miller added that more involvement from home was not the answer, either, as the little shits tend to have shithead parents who just make everything worse. The only findings from the study that provide a glimmer of hope, he said, are student absenteeism and dropout rates, which continue to increase.

"Christ, I dedicated my career to my students, actually thinking I could make a difference in their lives," middle-school teacher Joan Kubickers said Monday. "If I'd gone into public relations, I'd be making six figures by now. And at a PR firm, I bet I wouldn't have to worry about my tires getting slashed in the parking lot."

"Well, I have to go," she added. "The fucking hyenas in my third-period class await."

The Department of Education study comes on the heels of a survey last month that found 90 percent of all elementary school students resent being taught by pathetic losers who couldn't get a decent job in the real world.

Naked no more

Is that so

A friend emailed me that a college professor has died. It got me thinking, because I do not spend a great deal of time looking over my shoulder. What I really realized is that when I was in college, all I really wanted to do was be a chicken farmer. True.

So there I was, in college, doing all sorts of things that I do not regret, although there was a night with a dancer that I clearly could have handled a lot better. Another night with my girlfriends roommate would, today, get me jailed, but back then, it was just kind of obnoxious. Ah, the good old days. You kids today have it so much harder than those of us lucky enough to have survived Flock of Seagulls.

I was cast in an obscure Tennessee Williams play, Suddenly Last Summer. I was in way over my head, it was a major college production, directed by the top professor in the college of arts. Not a small accomplishment to even get cast, but I was, back then, full of myself. I was supposed to play a doctor, and if I could remember anything else about the play I would be happy to share it with you, but instead, I will share how one man can offer both hope and consternation, all in the rehearsal process of a play.

Dr. Richard Mason was old when I was in college and a bit of a crank. I was lose and wild and possibly a drug addict. Why he cast me confounds me to this day. From almost day one, he and I did not work well together. He had his concepts and I had contempt. He was smart, but in my mind, I was there and he was in the background.

What I remember clearly is the day I showed up to rehearsal in a t-shirt and jeans. A little background, at that point in my life, I already had a couple of years of summer theater in Los Angeles in my pocket. I had worked with professional actors and directors, I had a little understanding of the creative process and I had a clear understanding that rehearsals were a time to learn lines, blocking and develop relationships. Dr. Mason had a different understanding. The crux of our disagreement went something like this.

Dr. Mason: Mr. Bertles, do you realize you are supposed to be a doctor in this play?

Me: Yes.

Dr. Mason: Do you really think a doctor would wear a worn shirt of unknown origin and some disgusting pants to his job?

Me: I am not sure, but I am not really a doctor, am I? I am just pretending to be a doctor in this play.

Dr. Mason: Yes, Mr. Bertles, that is true, but for you to convey who this doctor is, you should do your best to emulate the life a doctor at this point in time would be leading.

Me: I don't even know my lines yet.

Dr. Mason: And that Mr. Bertles, we will get to together.

He was a fierce man. A funny man. An intelligent and loving man. Intimidating, brilliant and a kind soul. If I were a better person, I would have stayed in touch with him, because I liked him, and in the end, he liked me.

He knew, upon graduation, that I would never be a chicken farmer. He also knew I would never be an actor. He had a twinkle in his eye when he told me that I was an artist who would never be comfortable working in collaboration with others. He was right.

A country of obese idiots

Because Hanukkah comes early this year, I ventured out into the vast desert of strip malls and boutiques to find some gift for my lovely babies. When I am out in public I am often shocked at my fellow Americans. I am not sure when we became such slow, fat and useless, but go anywhere and I promise the majority of the people will be, what a friend affectionately calls "Land Whales".

I was just looking for socks, so my interaction was limited. I did not spend a night parked in front of a store, I did not wake early, plan and position myself for the best deal. I just drove to a store, walked in and purchased socks. All around me were these cellphone talking, coffee drinking zombies.

Now, I am all for out of control gluttony as much as anyone can be, but seriously, do none of these people own a mirror or an honest friend? Honey, I do not need to hear your meaningless conversation while waiting in line to pay for some socks, I really don't. Plus, if you are going to share your lifes little secrets, could you at least lead a bit more interesting life? OK?

Here then, out of control, uncaring American Land Whales, lined up like sheep to slaughter, all for the possibility of purchasing what can honestly be called an unnecessary appliance of some sort. I wonder if sex shops have these same problems the day after thanksgiving.

As goes Europe

This from the Washington Post. But first, anyone else just a little worried that countries with less per capita debt are in more trouble that the United States? I would say the writing is on the wall, but that wall is covered with writing, but people are too busy Xmas shopping to read it.

The debt crisis in Europe escalated sharply Friday as investors dumped Spanish and Portuguese bonds in panicked selling, substantially heightening the prospect that one or both countries may need to join troubled Ireland and Greece in soliciting international bailouts.

The draining confidence in Western Europe's weakest economies threatened to upend bond markets, destabilize the euro and drag out the global economic recovery if it is not quickly contained. It also underscored the mounting problems facing countries that during the past decade have both over-borrowed and overspent, and are now in danger of losing investor faith in their ability to make good on their massive piles of debt.

The perceived risk of debt defaults in Portugal and Spain drove their borrowing costs to near-record highs Friday, with the interest rate demanded on Portuguese bonds at a point where it could effectively cut the Lisbon government off from raising fresh cash to run the country.

As a result, Portugal was coming under pressure to immediately request a bailout from the European Union and International Monetary Fund. Officials in Lisbon responded by pushing through a painful round of budget cuts meant to reassure investors and rejected claims that they needed an emergency lifeline. Italian and Belgian borrowing costs also rose Friday.

The bigger fears, however, surrounded eroding confidence in Spain, whose faltering economy is more than twice the size of the Greek, Irish and Portuguese economies combined - meaning that a bailout there could run into the hundreds of billions of dollars.

Coupled with the pending bailout for Ireland and possibly Portugal, analysts said, a Spanish rescue could severely deplete the $1 trillion stability fund set up by the E.U. and IMF this year to contain the crisis. That could complicate the E.U.'s ability to mount a defense if another member nation were to need assistance.

At the same time, it remained unclear whether the stronger members of the 16 euro countries - particularly Germany, the region's economic powerhouse - are willing to dig deeper into their pockets to help shore up their troubled neighbors.

German officials were sending mixed signals. Axel Weber, president of Germany's central bank, suggested Thursday that the stability fund could be beefed up if needed. But on Friday, other German officials balked at the notion. Investors have also been rattled by a German proposal to have bond holders around the world - who have thus far effectively been guaranteed against losses - absorb some of the financial pain for future bailouts.

"There is neither a reason to consider [more funds] now, nor have there been any efforts by the European Union or by other parties to discuss this issue with the federal government," Steffen Seibert, spokesman for German Chancellor Angela Merkel, told reporters in Berlin. "This is a non-issue at the moment."

Depending on the severity of the crisis, the fallout for the United States could be relatively limited. U.S. banks hold about $133 billion in debt from Ireland, Spain, Portugal and Greece, only slightly more than banks in tiny Belgium. By comparison, German banks are liable for $515 billion, and French banks for about $400 billion.

A greater danger is that a full-blown debt crisis in Europe could put new pressure on the region's banks, tightening credit and potentially slowing growth in one of the world's largest economic engines. It could also send the euro plunging against the dollar, making the greenback stronger on world markets and undermining the efforts of the Obama administration to boost U.S. exports overseas.

Sarah Palin for president, or something

This just in:

An outbreak of gonorrhea across Alaska that began in 2009 is continuing this year, and health officials say they are trying new ways to curb it. Between 2008 and 2009, the number of gonorrhea cases in Alaska rose an alarming 69 percent, according to a new U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report.

State health officials began calling attention to a spike in gonorrhea cases in Southwest Alaska more than a year ago and highlighted the statewide rise in March. The new report shows that Alaska ranks ninth in the nation for its rate of gonorrhea, compared with its ranking in recent years in the mid-20s. Alaska also is second in the nation for its high rate of chlamydia, another sexually transmitted disease that often is transmitted along with gonorrhea.

"Hopefully, the high numbers now are more of a success story in that people are coming in and getting tested. Though I am surprised the numbers haven't declined," said Susan Jones, the state's HIV/STD program manager. "It's this continuing rise in numbers that we haven't been able to get under control."

Symptoms can be mild, which may delay people coming in for testing and treatment, allowing them to continue to spread the disease, health officials say.

Back in the 1970s, a man with a gonorrhea infection would have experienced such painful burning and heavy discharge that he would have likely gone to the doctor within a week. Now, with the current, milder strain, he might not seek help for months.

The health consequences for untreated gonorrhea can be severe: People can become infertile, a result more common for women than for men, Jones said. Health officials will contact sexual partners of infected people and urge them to get tested and treated, without saying how they may have been exposed.

"I like to say, 'Care enough to get your partners identified and treated,'" Jones said.

TREATMENT: ONE PILL

Alaska's rate is about 144 reported cases per 100,000 people, compared with a national average of 99 cases per 100,000. Between 2000 and 2008, Alaska had an average rate of 85 cases per 100,000 people.

The disease is being found across the state but is especially prevalent in northern and western Alaska and in Southcentral, Jones said. Alaska Natives have higher rates than other groups, health officials say. For Alaska Native women, the rate was 656 per 100,000.

Women are far more likely to be tested, and treated, because they may go to the doctor for an annual exam to get birth control. Even when someone has been treated, they can become reinfected if they again have sex with someone carrying the bacteria.

"What goes around, comes back around," Jones said.

People with multiple sexual partners, and people who don't know their partners well, are at greater risk of getting a sexually transmitted disease, she said. Some patients don't know the name of the person they had sex with, which makes it hard for health officials to track them down and curb the disease's spread, she said.

Condoms protect against STDs, but people must use them correctly, every time. Testing can be done with a simple urine test or swab test that women can do themselves. Treatment is a single dose of an antibiotic, Jones said.

NEW WAYS TO FIGHT BACK

Health officials are trying to make testing and treatment more available -- and to prevent people from getting infected to begin with.

For instance, teens can order free condoms or ask questions about STDs on a website run by the Alaska Native Tribal Health Consortium. The site is www.iknowmine.org, which refers to an individual's knowing his or her STD infection status.

"We're getting at least two or three orders a week," said Connie Jessen, STD program manager for the consortium.

A teen in a village might be reluctant to get tested at the local clinic where his or her aunt works. But soon, they should be able to order STD home testing kits for gonorrhea and chlamydia off the website through an effort being run with Johns Hopkins University, Jessen said.

In September, the consortium hosted a tribal task force meeting with the goal of getting health organizations to increase STD testing. Since then, health aides have been seeking resource materials and going to schools to talk to teens, Jessen said.

The consortium also soon should be launching a media campaign with radio and television public service announcements. It also is using Twitter and Facebook to try to spread the word about STD testing and treatment.

"I feel we're gaining some momentum," Jessen said.

Health officials call another promising new line of attack "expedited partner therapy."

In that CDC-backed approach, a doctor can write a prescription or provide the antibiotic for partners of a patient with an STD, without ever seeing the partner, Jones said. The Alaska State Medical Board recently changed its rules to specifically allow that therapy.

The patient could give the partner the medicine, or it could be made available at a pharmacy. In Juneau, the Native health corporation and the public health system have joined together in a version of that approach, Jones said.

CDC officials came to Alaska last summer to help the state determine whether health providers and patients statewide generally supported the therapy and how best to offer it.

Doctors accepted the idea, though some were concerned about patients having an adverse reaction to the antibiotic. If patients had to pick up the medicine at a pharmacy, the pharmacist could ask about any previous problems, Jones said.

Some patients said they would be comfortable giving the medicine directly to a partner they knew well but not one they didn't know well.

NUMBERS STILL HIGH

Even with the increased attention and effort, Alaska's gonorrhea numbers continue to climb.

The final count for 2009 was 1,006 cases -- which was even higher than what was reported to the CDC.

Already the number for 2010 has topped that, Jones said.

But while Alaska cases go up, the national rate dropped from 2006 to 2009, according to the CDC.

Health officials urge people who suspect they've been infected to get tested at their doctor's office, local public health clinic, Alaska Native regional health corporation clinic or Planned Parenthood clinic.

I do like xmas

Philadelphia symposium

I spent a week in Philadelphia and all I got to show for it was a t-shirt and the sense that smokers might be the strongest addicts in the world.

First this, I was 20 stories above the city for much of my stay and I could never get away from the window, looking down on American history and some beautiful buildings that house libraries and great art.

I once had this same sense of history while peddling around Paris. My first sense was how lucky I was. As far as I knew, I was the first person in my family to stroll the streets of Paris and that simple fact was kind of powerful. There is something in our souls that screams out when we do something our ancestors may have done, but not our immediate relatives. Sure, somewhere along our family tree I am sure some genetic ancestor was walking around Paris, eating fresh bread and looking at beauty. The fact is, none of my more recent relatives had taken the time to do it and for me, it was a moment.

I am a fan or beauty, in architecture, sculpture and painting. Not sure why, but I am drawn to it, so to speak. In Philadelphia it is impossible to walk around without feeling the power of American history. A lot happened on those streets, from a constitution to a revolution and in many ways, you feel it and see it. Betsy Ross's house is still there, and the frame work of Ben Franklins place remains, and you can see where he spent his time. The old streets do not speak, but if you have an imagination, they whisper.

I am going back to Philadelphia this week, to make some money and do some work. It's not a bad thing, this American way of life, but when you look around at our decaying bridges and roads, the sense that we made a turn a few years back and are heading downward seems everywhere.

A few years ago my children and I spent Thanksgiving at a friends house and before the meal my friend gathered everyone together and we stood in a circle and everyone had an opportunity to express why they were thankful. Today, I have 2/3 of my babies here, a lover and soon a friend, and we will not be circling, but it is always a good time to look back and forward and be thankful. I am a firm believer that we are all lucky to be alive at this juncture of history. We can fly great distances and see the world. We can drive fast and arrive in great hotels and we can stay warm on the coldest of days.

Lust

I used to lust about all the things the bible tells me are acceptable objects of desire. Now, I lust after cars.
This is the time of life I could only dream about when I was lusting after bible related objects of desire.

The birth of everything

I have been working this week in Philadelphia, no internet, barely a phone and life in a building 20 stories up. I was walking downtown this morning and the woman I was with said, "this is where it all started."

It's true too, well, I am sure it's kind of true. A lot of what the United States is and was came from Philadelphia. It is a great city, I get there enough to know my way around, I have a favorite cheap Chinese restaurant, and for me, that is how I define if I know a city or not.

In fact, let's see, I have a favorite cheap chinese restaurant in LA, San Francisco, Portland Oregon, Seattle, Amsterdam, New York, Albany, Pittsburgh, Chicago, Philadelphia, Baltimore and maybe more, but it is late, I have been driving and I am kind of tired.

There was a point here, something about history and Philadelphia, but I am disconnected and burnt out.

I will say this, I am incredibly angry with Apple Computer. That's right, on one hand I love me some Apple Computer, but this morning, I was editing my latest film project and I had all these wonderful edits in place, voice over here, beautiful shot there, telling moment and then, spinny wheel of death and everything was lost. I wanted to cry and throw my laptop across the room.

Instead, I went to work and forgot about it. But the job is on a deadline and I am going to be working to meet it. So much was in place, all coming together and my computer let me down. Of course, I could never edit anything creative on any other type of computer, so I will make peace with Apple and love it again, just not tonight.

I did get the best fortune cookie message last night. It said romance was coming my way. How nice is that? I am way overdue for some romance. I am all a twitter over the idea. I am not much of a romantic, in fact, I just noticed recently that I am a terrible date, not that I was on a date or anything, I was thinking about dates I have had over the past 20 years or so. What I realized is that on very rare occasions was I honest. I would date, sometimes more than once, with people I just did not like. I can only think of one time that I snuck out of restaurant when I realized my date was a complete bone head. In reality, I could have used that move many many times, which made me think about the quality of the people I have dated. Then again, I was married.

Supporting Palin

I just got off the phone with a robot, who was kind enough to ask me who I would prefer to vote for in the 2012 presidential election. I was asked to press one for Romney, 2 for Huckabee, 3 for Gingrich, 4 for Palin, 5 for Obama and 6 for someone else. While I was tempted to go for 6, I chose Palin.


First off, Romney and his magic underwear scares me, as does Huckabee, Gingrich, Palin and someone else. While I am not a big Obama supporter, I do admire the republicans need to see him get re-elected. See, here is how we work things in America. You take a weak president, say Clinton second term, or more obviously, Reagan or Bush.2 second term. It seemed, at the time, that all three should have been easily beatable and all three got the second term they so cherished. Why? Because the opposing parties always follow the same rule, find the least electable candidate and run them for president against a weak president. Reagan got Mondale, Clinton Dole and Bush, that senator from Massachusetts, so unforgettable I forget him. Or her, I forget.

So, the republicans call and give me 4 choices for president in 2012. Four complete morons, compromised family values hypocrites and a very very stupid woman. How to chose who gets to lose to the sitting president? I picked Palin because, above all else, she is stupid and stupid people are fun to watch on TV. See, the best part of having Palin running for president is that she would have to act presidential. Imagine the hilarity of the debates, Miss Empty-Head just waiting to throw out a zinger, "gotcha" and the president, sounding smart and informed, only to be blindsided with, "well, there you go again."

So, my advice to you dear reader, is, if given a chance, go with Palin.

Bad parenting

I don't think it is a lie to say I am a terrible parent. For a variety of reasons too, not the least of which is that I can not remember if I indeed have children, and if I do have children where they are and who they are.

That said, when I had young babies living with me, I often had thoughts of the day they would move out and make a life of their own.

I still wait for those days to come, but today I am proud of my eldest daughter who was accepted to a decent college.

For a long time, when they were young, all I wanted to do was make sure they did not get molested. I would not let them out of my sight when we were in public and I lived in fear that they would have some terrible thing happen to them when they were visiting friends, hanging with grandparents or being exposed to some sort of nefarious monster while staying at some other relatives home.

Those things did not happen.

They ate healthy, played outside as much as any other child, played sports, read books, enjoyed cultural visits to great cities with amazing museums, libraries and historical artifacts. We took wonderfully fun summer vacations, they were out of control sometimes, appropriately, and often times they were just great to be around.

Now they are all prepping to leave the nest. My eldest already has, the middle child is in the process and the youngest, just today, reminded me that she has had the highest grades of any of the siblings.

Like planes lines up for landing, it all seems to be coming together.

Yet, I am the one not really ready for this next step.

Actually, you can go home again

This is from the New York Times, and while in some ways sad, I am also heartened to see that his sons are looking out for their fathers best wishes. In the end of our lives, it is important that our children know us, love us and above all else, make sure that in the end we are cared for in a way we would have appreciated.

The New York Times reports:

Ariel Sharon, who had a major stroke while prime minister of Israel nearly five years ago and has since been in a coma in a hospital room, was moved on Friday to his ranch in the Negev Desert, hospital officials told Israel Radio.

A former close aide, Raanan Gissen, said in an interview that Mr. Sharon’s sons had been in discussion with Sheba Medical Center outside Tel Aviv about the move. An elevator and other equipment had been installed at the family ranch to accommodate his arrival and long-term care.

Hospital officials said Mr. Sharon would at first spend several days at a time at home and then return to Sheba Medical Center to be to monitored. Only after several successful trials at the ranch would he stay there permanently.

Mr. Sharon, 82, breathes on his own but is fed intravenously, Mr. Gissen said. Visits to his sterile hospital room had been tightly limited because of a fear of infection. The cost of keeping Mr. Sharon in the hospital, which is borne by the taxpayer, has been high and some commentators urged that he be moved to a long-term care facility or home.

Mr. Gissen said that given his age and the duration of the coma, it seemed like Mr. Sharon was unlikely to regain consciousness, but his sons remained hopeful. He noted that Mr. Sharon used to say that he enjoyed spending time at the ranch, surrounded by livestock and nature, and perhaps returning there would help. Mr. Sharon was widowed twice. His sons, Omri and Gilad, are in charge of his care and estate.

A former general who held nearly every major ministerial post, Mr. Sharon was elected prime minister in 2001 and was at the height of his power when he had the stroke in January 2006. Having spent his career as a noted hawk and champion of the settler movement, he stunned the world by removing Israeli settlers and soldiers from Gaza in the summer of 2005 and leaving his political home in the right-leaning Likud, establishing the centrist party Kadima instead.

The obese monster

Well, there is always something to pay attention to and this morning, as I was walking into the building, an obese man with a huge belly hanging over way too tight pants looked at me and said "hey, how's it going?"

I have a theory about very obese people. They are hiding something, not literally because hardly anything is hidden with obese people. My sense is people who get that large have serious issues that they are not dealing with. This, instead of, say, getting counseling, they eat and do not exercise. Problem solved.

Except that they are in terrible shape, which can never be a good thing. I usually imagine that people who get that obese had some tragedy in childhood happen and they are eating as a way to insulate themselves from a cruel world. Of course the problem is that no matter how fat you get, because you have not dealt with the real issue, you may be insulating yourself from a healthy solution.

I was thinking about this when I answered the incredibly obese man, "fine". I did not ask him how he was doing because I knew the answer would be a lie, no matter what that answer actually was.

Did not see this

Dave Niehaus, Voice of Mariners, Dead at 75.

When I first moved to Seattle the Mariners sucked and you could get free tickets to the games just by walking near the old Kingdome and finding a Boeing rep. Boeing had purchased hundreds of season tickets and the employees refused the tickets, so some union doofus would stand outside the stadium and give them away. I had a studio across the street from the Kingdome and friends and I would grab some tickets and go to the games to cheer on a rookie Ken Griffey and some kid named Alex Rodriguez.

When I was in my studio painting I would listen to the games and Dave Neihaus was the announcer. There was nothing better than a Griffey homerun with Neihous excited, out of breath and full of wonder.

A great baseball announcer, and I grew up on Vin Sculley of the Dodgers, can bring the game to you while you continue on with the rest of your life. I built a deck on my house listening to the Mariners in the playoffs. My baby boy and I would drive around, listening to the game and trying to get him to nap. Years later my young son and I attended a game, only to leave when Griffey hit a homerun and fireworks exploded in the dome, scaring my baby to pieces.

Neihous was a great announcer, with a deep husky voice and a long and glorious history with the team from its inception through years of losing seasons and some very fine winning seasons. I never met him, my son did, but I liked his voice, his recollections and his understanding of the game.

Oh

Let me post this for a friend going through a tough time.

My friends divorce

In case you are reading this.

Headlines I love

Violence erupts at victims of violent crime fundraiser - Seattle Times.

Breaking up is hard to do

I have had a series of phone calls and emails from a friend who is ending a long term relationship. Since I am somewhat shallow, I think people feel they can rely on me to listen and then spew out some simplistic answer and then they can hang up and cry.

A few days ago my friend, notice I am not giving anything away? Anyway, I get the call, I am driving home, in traffic, so I have plenty of time.

A little tangent, what the hell is wrong with you people? Did no one ever teach you to drive? First, merge lanes are meant for people to merge into traffic. Is you stop in a merge lane, you make it damn close to impossible to merge.I have lived in possibly 5 major cities, and driven in many more and I have never seen so many people stop in a merge lane. That said, rain should not slow you down. Now, I know, under our nice clothes and expensive cars, we are nothing but worried animals and water from the sky can be scary, but my lord, why do you slow to a crawl at the first drop? I lived in Seattle for a long time, which had the worst drivers ever, until here, and even there, where it rains almost daily, the morons behind the wheel would slow dramatically. I was never sure why, my sense was, they were stupid. Finally, accidents happen. We are a society in a hurry, if there is someone on the side of the road, changing a flat tire, getting a ticket, taking a business call, there really is no reason to slow to check it out. Seriously, you may not be in a hurry, heck I am not in a hurry, but it is insane to just stop and watch. That is what TV is for, rush home so you can watch nothing for hours at a time, but seriously, get out of my way.

Where was I?

Breaking up is almost always terrible for almost everyone. It has generally not been for me, which is why this particular friend called. I was asked about ending my longest term relationship, and I told the truth, best thing ever. How about a more recent break up? Even better, cutting the fat, so to speak. What about my first love? I shared the story, left behind a great job, woke up early on a monday morning, got in my Volvo and drove from Los Angeles to New York, not in a single day, but it was a nice drive. This was before cellphones, so if you wanted to leave someome and you had the majority of your necessary goods in your car, you could wake early, drive and never hear from them. Again, joyous.

My friend asked if all breakups made me happy and I said, not at the time, but mostly. When I kicked my wife out of the house, it took me less than 24 hours to get over it. Not completely, because we had all those ties, a house, a car, a child or 3. But for me personally, it was long past due. I had already moved on when the obvious break up time showed up. That was my point to my friend, breakups are hardly ever an accident. We know months, sometimes years in advance that this is just not right. My friend said that the partner had been cheating. Join the club I said, we all have had someone cheat on us, or been the cheater. Either way it really does not matter. It is just part of the process.

In Seattle I learned the lovely nature of passive aggressive communication. When I would witness other peoples relationships hitting the skids, I would see all sorts of reasons and justifications. In every case, the breakup would be a lot better if the people involved just realized that breaking up is a good thing. If it was not time to break up, you would not be breaking up. If you had a killer sex life, your partner would not be looking elsewhere. If you had mutual respect and communication, your partner would not be looking elsewhere. See, the relationship was over, no one bothered to tell you, or them, or someone.

It has always seemed like many people lose the ability at brutal honesty. At some point, you have to look at where you are and realize you chose to take the path that led to where you are. If your relationship is on its last legs, you are responsible for that condition. If you are shocked to find out your partner is searching online for the next great attraction, maybe it has something to do with how you two have been getting on for a few weeks, months, years. There hardly are ever real surprises, just an awareness that comes with finding out the truth.

My friend will be OK, but not because of anything I have said. My advice was, immediately go on a bimbo date. Date someone stupid, that way the talk is simple and does not weigh you down. Have a sexual relationship with someone who you have no interest in. This all fell on deaf ears, but for some people, it works. I also mentioned that some people find great joy in taking up a hobby that makes you sweat. I recommended cycling or training for a marathon. Serves a few purposes, you get in shape, which is handy when dating, you get a high from the actual exercise and you are out and about in skimpy attire, again with the dating thing. See, when you are newly single, the world is at your feet. It is a matter of perspective I told my friend. Everyone can get depressed and spend a few months eating ice cream and complaining about their ex. It is a lot healthier to walk away, move on as quickly as possible, date someone new and exciting within the first 24-48 hours of the break and raise your expectations.

Of course, I did mention that there had been a series of phone calls. One of them was how hard it was to find a date. One was how sore a body gets after a 5 mile run. Another had to do with couples counseling, which I was adamant about, waste of time. The final one was post sexual experience. My friend sounded a bit better, but conflicted, this was the first new person in a long time. I asked how it was, and the answer was silence, then "different" and then silence. And then "kind of amazing."

My work here has been done.

Next!

Elevator encounter

On the way to the 20th floor, again, to visit the most vivacious and smart attorney I know. The doors opened at 4. A woman walked in, casual business attire, long dark hair, pulled back, thin, clean face. She walked in, pushed against the far wall and pressed 16. She looked at me, I looked at her. There was a deep sadness in her eyes and when she caught me analyzing her look she said, "I am leaving my husband." I asked her if she was OK, because she looked frail and troubled. She said she was fine, it was time, there was nothing left. I stood quietly for a second, wondering why strangers always felt comfortable telling me their deepest secrets. I told her that divorce can be a very positive thing. She kind of smiled a crooked smile, there was a sexiness behind those expressive eyes that made me think she was much more than the broken wife. I asked what the final straw was. "There was never a straw, and that's the problem." The doors opened, she walked out, never looking back.

Election hope

I am kind of happy with the results of this past tuesdays election, although I could really care less. See, in my life, I have seen some decent presidents and some retarded presidents and neither has really done much to change my life in an meaningful way.

What I do like about the election results is now the republicans will now be responsible for actually doing something. Politics has always been something of a team sport, from the spectators (voters) to the players (the people who run for office) to the owners (big corporations). What is amazing to me is how silly it all has become. Seriously, while elections can be fun, for the most part, they don't really do all that much.

Now, I know people love the give and take of debates, but for me, it has all run its course. I'd much rather go fishing and I don't even like fishing. Speaking of fishing, I got the strangest call the other night.

Pot Smokin Bone Head calls me at around midnight my time, PSBH is never aware of time zones, so one can expect calls at the crack of dawn or midnight. PSBH called to ask me some serious questions. Since it was late, I told PSBH that I had to get some sleep, but instead of just letting me go, he had all sorts of arguments about why I should wake up and pay attention.

Instead, I laid the phone down next to my bed and dozed off. About 7 hours later I woke, saw the phone on the floor and remembered what had happened. The phone battery had died.

Which brings me back to the important type of question, if someone is sharing something important from their life with you, and you don't hear them, don't remember it or something else, did the conversation actually happen and was it important?

I, of course, have no answer, but it did make me think. I wonder what PSBH had to say that was so important, so necessary that I should stay awake to listen. I have yet to hear back, so if it was time sensitive, I missed the deadline.

We get what we deserve

I am often torn by the actions of my fellow Americans. Sometimes I think we are all one, justa big happy family, with issues. Most times, I feel like I am an alien, visiting this planet, wondering about Wal Mart and obese people, football fans and men who seem filled with anger.

The day after an election almost always leaves me bewildered. Harry Reid survives, a politician I despise. Barney Frank lisps and prances to another 2 year term. The good witch from Delaware has to go back to no masturbation and looking in the mirror and questioning who is staring at her. Alaska remains my favorite state in the nation, mostly because it is quirky and possibly insane.

In the end I have learned something in my life. It is this, no matter what crazy idiot gets elected to almost any office, everything remains almost the same. With that in mind, here is Billy Bragg.

Winning is not everything

Well, after consulting with my attorney, Beth Libitard, I finally was able to pick out a system to choose a winner.

If you recently received an email announcing you are the winner, then you are the winner.

If not, then someone else won.

There you have it. Another contest, come and gone. Almost like tomorrows elections.

Speaking of which, as a die hard republican, I can only say I am somewhat excited about the possibilities of tomorrows election. That said, there are a large number of people running under the republican banner who are nothing like the republicans I so cherish. Some of these boobs, and Sarah Palin people I am talking to you, are so far right they make the usual cast of far right crazies seem almost sane.

Let's be real, republicans in the house and senate now are nothing to be proud of. These are the same game playing bullies we all went to school with, but now with fake tans and cheap suits. The danger of republicans taking complete control of congress is nothing. That's right, nothing. Why? Because for the last two years the already elected republicans have done everything in their power to stop legislation, negotiate in bad faith and basically cum up the system to such an extreme as to not allow anything to move forward.

Which just might be the way the founding fathers had hoped it would be, but I doubt it. See, things do need to get done every now and then, and with spray tans and bullshit philosophy, the republicans currently in office have basically allowed the country to stay in an almost depression state, just so they could run for office with the promise to change things.

I am kind of tired of fake people offering fake promises to do things that they know and we know will never happen. The only change these republicans want is the ability to impeach another sitting democratic president.

So, how am I voting tomorrow? I am voting to legalize marijuana so I can spend the next couple of years doing bong hits and not thinking about how screwed up our country has become.

And the winner is...

As many of you know the contest for the massive shopping spree was held this past weekend. I have been overwhelmed with 17 or less word essays. While I am slowly working my way through them, I started to think, why even bother, why not just randomly pick someone?

Better yet, why hot randomly pick someone and then make them blog about it.

I'll keep you posted.