Breaking up is hard to do

I have had a series of phone calls and emails from a friend who is ending a long term relationship. Since I am somewhat shallow, I think people feel they can rely on me to listen and then spew out some simplistic answer and then they can hang up and cry.

A few days ago my friend, notice I am not giving anything away? Anyway, I get the call, I am driving home, in traffic, so I have plenty of time.

A little tangent, what the hell is wrong with you people? Did no one ever teach you to drive? First, merge lanes are meant for people to merge into traffic. Is you stop in a merge lane, you make it damn close to impossible to merge.I have lived in possibly 5 major cities, and driven in many more and I have never seen so many people stop in a merge lane. That said, rain should not slow you down. Now, I know, under our nice clothes and expensive cars, we are nothing but worried animals and water from the sky can be scary, but my lord, why do you slow to a crawl at the first drop? I lived in Seattle for a long time, which had the worst drivers ever, until here, and even there, where it rains almost daily, the morons behind the wheel would slow dramatically. I was never sure why, my sense was, they were stupid. Finally, accidents happen. We are a society in a hurry, if there is someone on the side of the road, changing a flat tire, getting a ticket, taking a business call, there really is no reason to slow to check it out. Seriously, you may not be in a hurry, heck I am not in a hurry, but it is insane to just stop and watch. That is what TV is for, rush home so you can watch nothing for hours at a time, but seriously, get out of my way.

Where was I?

Breaking up is almost always terrible for almost everyone. It has generally not been for me, which is why this particular friend called. I was asked about ending my longest term relationship, and I told the truth, best thing ever. How about a more recent break up? Even better, cutting the fat, so to speak. What about my first love? I shared the story, left behind a great job, woke up early on a monday morning, got in my Volvo and drove from Los Angeles to New York, not in a single day, but it was a nice drive. This was before cellphones, so if you wanted to leave someome and you had the majority of your necessary goods in your car, you could wake early, drive and never hear from them. Again, joyous.

My friend asked if all breakups made me happy and I said, not at the time, but mostly. When I kicked my wife out of the house, it took me less than 24 hours to get over it. Not completely, because we had all those ties, a house, a car, a child or 3. But for me personally, it was long past due. I had already moved on when the obvious break up time showed up. That was my point to my friend, breakups are hardly ever an accident. We know months, sometimes years in advance that this is just not right. My friend said that the partner had been cheating. Join the club I said, we all have had someone cheat on us, or been the cheater. Either way it really does not matter. It is just part of the process.

In Seattle I learned the lovely nature of passive aggressive communication. When I would witness other peoples relationships hitting the skids, I would see all sorts of reasons and justifications. In every case, the breakup would be a lot better if the people involved just realized that breaking up is a good thing. If it was not time to break up, you would not be breaking up. If you had a killer sex life, your partner would not be looking elsewhere. If you had mutual respect and communication, your partner would not be looking elsewhere. See, the relationship was over, no one bothered to tell you, or them, or someone.

It has always seemed like many people lose the ability at brutal honesty. At some point, you have to look at where you are and realize you chose to take the path that led to where you are. If your relationship is on its last legs, you are responsible for that condition. If you are shocked to find out your partner is searching online for the next great attraction, maybe it has something to do with how you two have been getting on for a few weeks, months, years. There hardly are ever real surprises, just an awareness that comes with finding out the truth.

My friend will be OK, but not because of anything I have said. My advice was, immediately go on a bimbo date. Date someone stupid, that way the talk is simple and does not weigh you down. Have a sexual relationship with someone who you have no interest in. This all fell on deaf ears, but for some people, it works. I also mentioned that some people find great joy in taking up a hobby that makes you sweat. I recommended cycling or training for a marathon. Serves a few purposes, you get in shape, which is handy when dating, you get a high from the actual exercise and you are out and about in skimpy attire, again with the dating thing. See, when you are newly single, the world is at your feet. It is a matter of perspective I told my friend. Everyone can get depressed and spend a few months eating ice cream and complaining about their ex. It is a lot healthier to walk away, move on as quickly as possible, date someone new and exciting within the first 24-48 hours of the break and raise your expectations.

Of course, I did mention that there had been a series of phone calls. One of them was how hard it was to find a date. One was how sore a body gets after a 5 mile run. Another had to do with couples counseling, which I was adamant about, waste of time. The final one was post sexual experience. My friend sounded a bit better, but conflicted, this was the first new person in a long time. I asked how it was, and the answer was silence, then "different" and then silence. And then "kind of amazing."

My work here has been done.

Next!