A fake jew

My friend Heimy the fake jew called me recently. I have been in bed a lot, recovering from some sort of stomach thing, and so the exact time may be lost, but not the conversation. Heimy, at least that is the name I have selected for the recently chosen called to wish me a happy new year.

"I have no idea what you are talking about."

"It's the Jewish new year."

Heimy is funny. Sometimes I think he joined the jews so he could make fun of the jews. Tell jew jokes and say things like, "I tried to Jew him down, but he would not give me a discount, yeah, I can say that, I'm a jew."

The thing is, Heimy also lectures me on what a bad Jew I am. Which is kind of true, although i am an authentic ew, having been born from a Jewish mother, I was grandfathered into the tribe. Heimy, jealous at having no background or cultural heritage to speak of, joined, even though I am sure if there was a vote, the Jewish people would certainly turn their back on the deeply flawed and seriously demented Heimy.

Heimy wanted to lecture me that because I did not respect the Jewish holidays I was less of a Jew than he. This is kind of like telling a black guy that because he does not like 50 Cent he is less African American. Or something like that. In fact, I should become an African American and start lecturing some of my neighbors on not only cultural values but choices in food, hair styles and clothing, because I would be, after all, a fellow African American.

See Heimy, that is what you come off as. An interloper with an attitude. If you were really a fellow Jew you would just keep your mouth shut with your need to happy holiday this and shalom that.

I am all for bettering yourself, heck when Heimy gets out of the halfway house I support his plan to go back to school and get his GED and become a mechanic for "foreign cars or some shit" but that too seems like just another search for something that will not bring meaning to a life lost to the ether.

I actually don't know Heimy well enough to judge him. I believe his family was circus folk and he grew up not only juggling balls from a very young age, but without the love and attention that children require. This is evident in his search for acceptance in new religions, pretend marriages to low level celebrities and the semi-annual arrest for drugs, public intoxication or betting on dog fights.

I once told Heimy of this experience I had, one that he could never share. I was at a gallery opening in New York many years ago, for a famous Jewish artist. When I walked in the room was packed and as I glanced around I noticed that all the men had a certain look, thick faces, fat noses, handsome features, rugged, but eyes filled with wonder. A gaggle of older Jewish men, and I realized I was with friends. We looked remarkably alike, shorter, heavier, hairier. For a very short period of time I felt I was with family. Now, Heimy, with a giant fat balloon head and chinless from generations of circus folk inbreeding will never experience that sense of family, unless there is a wandering clan in giant headed inbred Jewish circus freaks traveling in Poland or something. Doubtful, I just googled it.

My point is that sometimes the imposters among us should keep their heads down and their mouths shut.