Republican debate

I generally do not ever live blog anything, but tonight I am energized by my fellow republicans last debate for about a month, and i happen to have an internet connection allowing me to see it, no cable here, so I thought I would share some moments with you, lucky blog readers.

First off, Ron Paul is dead. Or he looks dead.

Why is Santorum on the stage? Rick Santorum, although I am sure there is plenty of Santorum on that stage too (Google it).

Andersoon Cooper is the host? My lord, the these candidates not know he is the source of all that Santorum?

The candidates are all wearing dark suits. Fantastic choice, following the republican need to appear Reagan-like. Wait, the girl candidate is not wearing a dark suit.

Santorum is first, introducing himself and his 7 children. Comes off as almost human. I like Santorum, he is genuine and strange, two qualities I want in a garbage collector. Wait, these people are running for president? No way. Seriously?

Ron Paul appears somewhat alive. Offers a balanced budget and presents a case for a free society, the crowd wants him to take control of Libya.

Herman Cain claims to be married for 43 years and has been making pizza for 43 years. I doubt either is true.

Mitt Romney says he has been a businessman, an Olympic dude and solves problems and hopes to be president. Miss America called and wants her bullshit lines back.

Rick Perry is a proven job creator and an authentic conservative. Seems like a bone head to me.



Newt Gingrich says something, but then starts eating an extra large sandwich and says something with his mouth full.

Michelle Bachmann announces she is still running, makes a sad joke about her gay husband and strips nude.

Anderson Cooper has a question.

Some dude asks about getting rid of taxes. This is already boring me.

Bachmann: Job creator, boring, married, does not want more taxes, wants more income taxes, people love her, she is boring. Why is she included in this group? Oh, she looks like a drunk flight attendent tonight. Great move Michelle. She has her own tax plan, jobs plan and an energy plan. Does not say what they are.

Cain: Knee jerk reaction. Admits he is insane and starts talking about how great pizza is for a healthy diet. Here is something I just realized, Cain is black. Could America really elect a black man?

Santorum: Loves Cains boldness. Blunders into a Santorum mess. I can't stop smiling. Google santorum again. This guy is just fun to watch. Bad tax, bold, but still, full of Santorum.

Cain; Not true, look at my own lies and believe what you read. Invites every American to eat pizza and shut the fuck up. I like this guy. He is one of us.

Bachmann; Value added tax is fun, but then so is my gay husband. Did anyone notice I am dressed like a drunk flight attendent?

Perry; I love Herman Cain. People hate taxes. No one wants taxes. If I get me some elected someday, I will have an idea on working on taxes and things like that. I talk like I just ate a cowboy boot. People say I'm stupid. That may be true.

Cain; Stop talking and eat pizza.

Paul; Dangerous plan. Repressive plan. People should not pay taxes. Hates America. Admits he has been dead for years. America should not have any taxes at all. People do not like taxes, thus people should not have to pay taxes. On and on, my lord, I am senile and no one seems to care. Yabber yabber yabber.

Cain; Once again, if you white people would eat pizza, you would shut the fuck up. Enough said.

Romney; I know nothing about black people or taxes, but I am wearing magic underwear. Anyone think that is strange? Could I ask the black man a question? No? Then I would like to say, my people do not eat pizza, but one of my wives once ate pizza.

Cain; Romney, you crazy. Apples and oranges.

Romney; People don't want to pay taxes, ever. No one wants to pay for anything. Many people are not working, so shut up and let me talk. If everyone wore magic underwear, this country would be super happy.

Gingrich; Jabba say that people like taxes. Jabba say bring me soup. Jabba no want big idea and people want pizza. Jabba favors no new taxes, Jabba want woman in bikini.

Bachmann; I believe every American should pay taxes, even if it's a dollar. Dead people should pay taxes. I was once a tax lawyer, then I married a gay man who taught me that it's OK to be an airheaded idiot. Imagine that. Next?

Perry; You know what I think? I like baseball. I do. And horseys. I like boots and beer and sometimes hookers. Ya'all think that's funny? Who is laughin? Shit, I could kick all ya'all asses right now.

Romney; Perry is right, people like magic underwear. Plus, America needs jobs and I like to make people work, not for fair wages mind you, but slave wage jobs would be great. That starts with electing me.

Santorum; I agree with everyone who does not make fun of my name.

Romney; I hate Santorum. I really do. Google that guys name. Here is what I think, this country could never elect Santorum for anything.

Santorum; Has anyone else noticed that Ron Paul is dead? Look, I am not a serious candidate, so if you don't mind, I am going to make silly faces while people look at Michelle Bachmann crazy eyes.

Romney; Rick, rick, you might just be crazier than Bachmann. You people realize that some people are watching this on TV and seeing what an insane group of cheap suit wearing nut cases we are? Do you realize that? My lord, we have a weak president and this is the best group we can come up with?

Gingrich; What? (sleeping.)

Romney; Newt, back when you were interesting, people liked you, but since you married wife number 7 and you became a blow hard, I think most people just view you as a bully on steroids.

Bachmann; Anderson, Anderson, no one wants healthcare. People hate healthcare. Have you been to a WalMart? My lord Anderson, we are an obese nation of huge people. We don't want health, we want to explode in the aisles of cheap plastic Chinese made junk.

The end of part one of the Republican debate.