Shame on you

So I got this letter, some of which I have posted below, some I removed because there was a lot there that kind of identified the writer.

"I have been married two years. About a year into it I was at a convention and I ended up sleeping with another woman. My wife found out, we have been "working it out" and I think we are back on track. My problem is that she no longer seems sexually excited to be with me. Prior to our marriage and before the "slip" we had a great intimate life together. Now, when we do connect sexually, she is going through the motions. I have asked her about this, and she says she is fine, but I can tell she is not really enjoying herself. What would you do?"

What would I do? Go back in time, maybe before you got married, and explain to your fiance that at times in your marriage you may stray, because you do not believe in monogamy and you like some strange. Tell her that if left to your own self on, say, a business trip, you will undoubtedly end up in bed with a stranger.

Oh, wait, we can not go back in time. Sorry. Forget what I said before.

Sometimes when I get email and people ask me relationship questions, I figure it is because I am a relationship expert and I know how to make a long term relationship work. Then again, that is not true.

My advice to you is put a dunce cap on and sit in a metaphorical corner for a long time. Of course your wife feels non-sexual with you. Hey stupid, you made a commitment and within a year of standing in front of your friends and family (I figure that's what you do at weddings) you jumped on the first piece available. You are damn lucky to still be married.

Look, relationships are fragile things. We love and trust until given a reason not to. You gave her the best reason to no longer trust you and a good sexual relationship is based on love and trust. How do you rebuild it? You can't, meaning YOU can't, she can. But until she decides to forgive and forget, you are wearing the dunce cap. If she is not enjoying being sexual with you, why are you having sex with her? You realize that what you are doing is taking advantage of her, using her as a sexual being without really caring about her deeper feelings, right?

Step back and let her be. Two years into a marriage and you are already boinking someone else? Yikes.

I think in many ways people are never honest about their sexual needs with partners. Sometimes people meet, like you and your floozy, at a party, tumble into bed and never see one another again. Then, sometimes the same thing happens and a relationship develops, and yet, the basis for that relationship was a one night stand attraction.

OK, my advice to you is do some work on your interior dialog. If you are not a monogamous person, and from the little I know about you, monogamy is not key to your long term happiness, then you may want to either "come out" to your wife and let her know that sexing up strangers is something she can expect from you. If this was seriously just a one night, one time slip, I would still do the interior debate on why this one time you slipped.

People in long term relationships deserve that sort of knowledge and honesty. If you are going to be the type who goes to conventions and meets people, sexes them and goes home to your beautiful wife, the least she deserves is to know that is who she is married to.

On the other hand, if you have always been honest about your lack of monogamous long term plans and she is OK with that, then tell her that she knew going in what sort of guy you are and she should quit pretending to be surprised. Although your letter did not say you had this understanding, I am pretty sure you do not. She thought marriage meant a life time commitment of love, honesty and sexual compatibility and you blew that out of the water.

Step back, look at yourself and realize you screwed up. It sounds like she is not into an open relationship, so you need to figure out if you are really into marriage, on her terms.


Just for the sake of clarity, I started this blog while finishing up a film on the economy. It has strayed. There is no problem with that and I do enjoy email and questions about relationships, because, as you can see from the above, I have no skills what so ever when it comes to advice. But feel free to email me your most intimate of relationship issues.