A slew of questions

Thank you all for emailing me your most personal and private questions and opinions. Yes, I am a jerk and no, I am not willing to travel for a "good time."

Somehow the flood gates have opened on the questions, but here was the best of the day.

"I came home unexpected this week, mid-day, which is a big change for me. My lover had been working from home, but he was not there when I got to the house. His computer was on, but the screen was sleeping, and when I sat at the desk I touched the keyboard and when the screen came back to life, there was a gay cruising site opened and he was logged in with a screen name that he used for email and such. Until that moment, I thought we had a monogamous relationship, but I did read some of his emails and it looks like he has been meeting people while "working from home". I am still digesting this, and a friend sent me a link to your blog and I figured, what the hell. Suggestions?"

You do not say how long you have been together. You do say you "thought" you were monogamous, but you don't say if it was part of a living together agreement. I am going to take it for granted that it was part of the agreement.
First, it's pretty skeevy to read someone's email. Then again, he did leave it open and it was on a gay cruising site and you did happen upon it innocently enough. That said, and I emailed you some questions, but I figured, with this sort of intense thing, you need a level headed, disinterested person to tell you the truth.
First, does he know you know? If he does, again this was in the email to you, I would get some plain truth going, like how long, how many, how unsafe, etc.
Again, not sure if you own or rent, not sure who pays what, or what you can afford. My advice though is, drop him like a hot rock.

I only say that because he violated a basic trust in your relationship. At least, I think he did. I recently wrote about men who use the scam that "you never asked me" when you find out they are kind of scummy. So, maybe your "partner" will say, "we never had an agreement to be monogamous." He may be right, you may have thought that living together and being partners meant monogamy, because maybe that is your definition. Maybe it was not his. Again, you have not answered my email.

I am a realist. Many men cheat. Few are honest about it. I am also not a cynic, so I believe in brutal honesty. If he does not know that you found this page with incriminating emails, I would sit him down and ask if you two are monogamous, and if he says yes, I'd ask for his definition. At some point, even idiots realize you have a line of questioning because you know something he thought you would not know.

All that said, again, dump him. First, he is scummy. Second he is putting your health in danger and finally, he is not only scummy enough to cheat, he was stupid enough to leave incriminating evidence open on a computer.

Finally, I am a firm believer that scummy people, liars and cheats, do not have the same rights as nice people. Feel free to, if you are the owner of the house, toss his lying ass out. While not all men at pigs, the ones that are need to be treated like pigs.

All of that said, I am sorry for your pain. Anyone in any relationship has stumbled upon something that was not pretty, not many get the gift you got, but we have all felt that unease in our stomachs when reviewing a credit card statement, or finding a letter, or underwear or something.

Life is way too short to spend time with liars and contemptible scum bags. You could do what I did once, in something of the same situation, donate his super important books to Goodwill.