The good professor

Many years ago my second wife Lulu asked me what I would like for Christmas. Lulu was evil and forced me to celebrate Christmas. For my entire life I had celebrated Hanukkah, but Lulu was evil and demanding, something I convinced myself I needed in my life for the 12 days we were married.

While married Lulu asked me what I would like for Christmas and I told her I would like a zulu warrior named Gina but she laughed and said “oh you so funny” which may or may not be true, but in this case, I was not joking and it din’t matter, I did not get a Zulu warrior named Gina, I got a wireless drill. This might not seem like such a great gift to you, but for my entire life history, this has been the best gift I ever received.

For my entire life Hanukkah and the one Christmas with Lulu I received the worst gifts ever imaginable. One year my mother asked me what I would like for Hanukkah as my “big” gift. In our family, every year we would receive a day of socks and a day of underwear and a day of other workable but useless, if necessary, gifts, until the big day, where we would receive our most cherished of gifts, our “big” gift. Some years this might be a bicycle, or a suit or something more expensive. One year when my mother asked me what I wanted, I said I wanted, no I needed a stereo. She nodded knowingly and that was that.

A few weeks later, after a typical week of Hanukkah gifts of socks and other boring gifts I was almost drooling at the idea of listening to some of my own music on my very own stereo. As night started to come, we gathered in our dining room and we said the prayers and lit the candles and I got a small box. It was a box much too small for a stereo and I was perplexed. I opened it and inside was a tiny little boombox, the size of a fist. It was not even a real boombox, just a replica. I think I cried.

That was typical of what I would come to expect of holiday gifts. If I asked for anything I would get something close to what I asked for, but a cheaper, knockoff version. I started to ask for exactly what I wanted, a brand name, a size, an exact product size, name and model number. In cases like that, I would get a shirt. Over the years I never got what I asked for and at some point I just flat out gave up asking for anything. Then, during the only Christmas I would celebrate, I received a gift I actually needed, wanted and liked. A wireless drill.

This year Professor TMI and I were finishing up some projects around my house, where there are always projects to be finished and at some point my elderly wireless drill died, right there, in my hand. At first I thought the battery had just died, so I replaced it and put the battery in the recharger, but the recharged battery had no affect and a few hours later, even the recharged original battery would not bring the drill back to life. I spent the rest of the day hand screwing sheetrock into the wall. It was painful.

To show what an exceptional partner Professor TMI really is, I have to tell you what I received from Sketchy the Addict last year. As a quick refresher, Sketchy the Addict was a psychopath who was staying with us about this time last year and as some sort of guilt payment for his abuse of our friendliness he tried to buy us off by purchasing an Apple TV unit. Now, we do not watch TV for the most part, and we hardly ever download anything, but really it was the thought that counted, right? Until Sketchy the addict set it up and left it, after we threw him and his addict ways out of our house, leaving behind the AppleTV unit that has never worked. Another useless gift, given with no thought, as if people who don’t need something would want something they actually don’t need. Such was the disabled thinking process of Sketchy the Addict.

Today Professor TMI had delivered to my house a new wireless drill and wireless handless saw. This would be the best gift ever, and most necessary. Now, really, was it that hard?