Melvin and Marta occupy

I have a favorite teller at my bank. She always smiles at me when I make stupid jokes about a bank error in my favor. Yesterday I baked some cookies, packaged them in the cutest little Hanukkah themed box and today I brought them to her, let’s call her Bonnie. Because she is witty, when she saw the box of cookies, she said, “oh look, a box of Jew gold, imagine that.” Maybe Bonnie the witty teller is a misnomer. Of course, Bonnie the witty teller sounds a lot nicer than Bonnie the Nazi sympathizer.

I was handing over the box of cookies when I saw a stick in my peripheral vision, I thought it was a stick, so I turned and there was a wrist of a very skinny woman, close to my face, “you ‘member this Melvin?” And she hit me in the right of my forehead.

I was knocked back against the counter, Bonnie the witty teller was asking if she should call the police. The woman with the wicked right hand looked at the box of cookies in Bonnie the witty tellers hand and said, “oh, if I was you, I won’t be taking no candy from him, he gots me pregnant at Occupy Pittsburgh affer he toll me he was on birf confrol and shit.”

I told Bonnie the teller the police would not be necessary. I straightened and looked at the stick figure woman standing in front of me. “I’m sorry,” I said, “I forgot your name.”

“Names Becky, don’t bullshit.”

“Right, Don’t Bullshit Becky, let’s go sit in the courtyard, I think we can figure this all out, but not here in the bank.” I winked at Bonnie the witty teller and she smiled at me, but I was not clear exactly why. Don’t Bullshit Becky followed me out of the bank and to a nearby indoor open air courtyard, we grabbed a small table and I sat down, she did the same and glared at me. I asked, “do I really look like, what did you say, Melvin?”

“Oh, you Melvin an shit. Dude, you toll me you was on birf control.”

“There is no male birth control. Wait, did you say birf control?”

“Yeah, birf control, you toll me you was on birf control and now I’m all pregnant an shit.”

“OK, a couple of things. There is no male birth control.”

“You says you was on birf control, I won’t need nothin’ cause you all on birf controls.”

“Yeah, and that’s the other thing, until you slapped my temple a minute ago, we’d never met.”

“You Melvin.”

“No. I am not Melvin. My name is not Melvin. Is your name Marta?”

“No, my name ain’t Marta, why you say that?”

“Because I could call you Marta with all the intensity and honesty that you keep calling me Melvin, it won’t make you Marta, will it?”

“I already toll you, I ain’t no fuckin’ Marta.”

“Right. And I ain’t no fuckin’ Melvin.”

“Oh, you Melvin.”

“And I have never used male birth control.”

“I know that too, that cuss I pregnant.”

“And you and me, Melvin and Marta, we have never had sex.”

“You and Marta do what you want, you and me did it at Occupy Pittsburgh and now I am all pregnant and shit.”

“Are you retarded?”

“Fuck you Melvin. You get me pregnant when we fightin’ for eco-nominical enforcing shit and you all, like we should be lovin’ and shit, now you make fun of me?”

“Yeah, you’re retarded.”

“And you ain’t on birf control.”

“And I ain’t on birf control, that is true Marta.”

“Quit callin’ me Marta, Melvin, or I punch you inna face again.”

“I’m pretty sure this relationship is not working for me Don’t Bullshit Becky. You realize I am not Melvin, right?”

“If you ain’t Melvin, who is?”

“Seriously? You had sex with someone at Occupy Pittsburgh, some bum or protester or someone just happening by, who was smart enough to promise you he was on some magical male “birf control” and you are wise enough to believe him, and then he disappeared, leaving you pregnant and apparently belligerent, which I am guessing is a life choice at this point.”

“Yeah, you ain’t Melvin.” She stood and walked out of the courtyard. I sat and watched as she scurried from the warmth of the indoor park like setting, almost running out into the cold winters day. My only hope for Marta was that she would find Melvin and they would reunite for economic justice and the sake of their as yet unnamed baby, who I already call Jesus.