I went to college with a current member of congress. That is true. His name is not Congressman Dickhead, although that is what I am going to call him, because he and I remain good friends and I promised not to use his real name, mostly because he is disgusted with his friends in dark suits, red ties and fake smiles on their bland pasty white faces. So am I.
Congressman Dickhead is a registered republican, as am I, again, all true. He has been elected a few times, he is not the brightest tool in the linen closet, he thought it would be funny if I said that, he actually agreed when I told him I did not think he was the sharpest tool in the tool shed, but linen closet is funnier. We both agreed on that. He is a republican, but he wanted me to make it very clear, he is not one of those republicans.
Those republicans are the idiots currently running the idiot palace. We know who they are, they have names, but let’s just call them Shit For Brains. Yes, SFB are these stupid mother fuckers who think that by doing the exact opposite of leading, they are actually leading. This is of course, insane, but most of these middle aged white men ran on the “I’m insane, you should vote for me, because I am like you, angry and insane” ticket. They got elected and pretty soon they will be unelected, but until then, they waddle around the nations capitol being foolish and people point and giggle and it is all pretty funny, but Congressman Dickhead is filled with shame, because like the Shit For Brains congressmen, they are all from the same party and people are kind of fed up with the republicans. Kind of. Well, if you look at the polling, people are more upset with the republicans than they have ever been upset with any party in the history of the nation. So, yeah, the Shit for Brain republicans are kind of screwing up everything, especially for my friend Congressman Dickhead, who is not an idiot.
“I am not an idiot,” he says in all honesty. “This is bullshit. I mean, first of all, no matter who is in charge, why do these drama queens always, and I mean ALWAYS, have to wait until the very last minute to get anything of substance passed? You ever notice that? Here we are again, end of the year, and we are all dancing around tax and budget legislation when all of this could have been dealt with last month, or last week, or yesterday. But no, we have to get right up to the deadline, because the fake tanned god damned drama filled TV hogging bone headed mother fuckers just have to wait. These were the frat boy losers in college who were up the night before a major paper was due because they never bothered to do any of the work prior to the deadline. I hate these stupid unprepared idiots. I do.”
Congressman Dickhead is ashamed of his own party. So am I. I am not a republican who hates democrats. Some of the best people I have ever had sexual relations with were liberal democrats. Three of my best friends are democrats. My long term lover Professor TMI is a registered socialist. My lesbian dog has voted for Hillary Clinton, twice. I am surrounded by bolsheviks. Congressman Dickheads wife worked on the Obama campaign. Both he and I are not anti-democrat. We just happen to be moderate republicans, think Barry Goldwater with a checkered past, rehab and strip clubs.
“So do you think that the House leadership just don’t understand that people outside of Washington DC view them as a bunch of fake tanned pampered fuck heads?” I asked.
“I don’t think they care, to tell you the truth. Look what Newt has done. He gets tossed and fined and thrown out of the House. He was shamed out of office, no one remembers, but he was a fucking pariah, no one wanted to even acknowledge him. Last year Newt Incorporated made over 100 million dollars doing favors and hob knobbing with dick heads and ass kissers. What does he really do? He knows people in expensive suits. You don’t think every other politician looks at Newt and figures, even if the voters wise up and throw their sorry asses out of office, they won’t have a better job tomorrow? These shitheads just don’t care.”
“What do you think of Tori Amos?”
“Who?”
“She’s on the radio, some hippy singer.”
“Never heard of her.”
“Making my lesbian dog howl.”
“Turn it off.”
“Here is what I just fail to understand about the house leadership, do they really believe that doing the bidding of just the wealthy is really what’s best for the rest of the country?”
“Let them eat cake.”
“What did you say Congressman Dickhead?
“You are really not going to call me Congressman Dickhead on your blog are you?”
“Of course not, I will call you Jim Sensenbrenner.”
“Better use Congressman Dickhead, I’d just as soon not be associated with that fat piece of shit in any way.”
“Congressman Dickhead it is then, you were saying something about eating cake.”
“I think that the leadership has a philosophy of allowing the voters to eat cake while the Mercedes driving fundraisers really control the game.”
“You have become cynical.”
“This city will do that to you.”
“Do you have any plans for New Years Eve?”
“Like all my fellow republican congressman, I do not plan to be in Washington DC, I do not plan to cut the taxes for the middle class. I do not plan to fund unemployment insurance for people who need extensions. I do not plan to continue to fund extensions to Medicare and Medicaid payments to doctors.”
“So….”
“Business as usual.”
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