Meth - Cindy and Johnny parTy

I am not of the generation being ruined by Meth. Sorry, I missed out on that one. I got to see my friends die from AIDS and heroin, so it's not like I missed ugly epidemics altogether. What's kind of scary is that people in my age bracket and for a second I will remind those of you who remain clueless that even though I will swear on a stack of Korans that I am indeed 28, the truth is probably different.

So the weird thing, people my age are starting to use meth. Seriously.

This woman I know, who I am almost sure is named Toxic Cindy, called me this evening. At first she texted. "How was ur THXgiving?"

Tangent time. Seriously you stupid people, I am fed up to here with you. I think I speak for everyone with an IQ over 17. As a society we have gone out of our way for you for as long as I can remember. Do you stupids realize that the only reason we even have stop signs is because stupids can not figure out how to yield to their fellow citizens? If you were not stupid we would have yield signs everywhere and smart people would fucking yield the god damned right of way, but no, because we have an incredible number of stupid people, we bend over backwards developing our society around you. A stop sign here, selling single cigarettes there, wait, why are we even selling cigarettes anymore? Can you even read those warnings? Imagine if you ate a burger and on the side of the package it said "Hey Fatso, eating this burger will kill you!" Maybe you would stop eating, maybe not, but you would certainly think twice, unless you were stupid.

I'm sorry. I am just so angry that at every level of our society we bend over backwards to try and control the stupids, from daycare to burial plots, it is a never ending process. Stop signs at 2 AM. I have come to a four way stop sign, no one else is on the road, and I must stop at the stop sign, because it is a stop sign instead of a yield sign, because a yield sign would work perfectly fine 90 percent of the time, and that 10 percent of the time, people would have to be smart and gracious and social. Guess who can not be those things? Stupid people. Guess who uses phrases like "thxgiving"? Of course, stupid people. You know, if you can actually use any sort of typing device, and you understand that those letters can create words and you have a fundamental understanding of spelling, why not take the few extra seconds and type the word you are trying to indicate? Is your stupid time so valuable that you must save seconds by typing "thx?" FckU.

I could go on, but I have been traveling and I am tired. So I got this lazy and crazy text from Toxic Cindy, who is a woman who circulates in a circle I am aware of, but not a member of, I hope I am distancing myself enough with that description.

I texted back, "Who is this?"

"Cindy."

Yikes, I thought. Why would Toxic Cindy ever text me. I think we met this past summer at a local street fair. A gay impressario had grabbed my forearm and said, "you just have to meet Toxic Cindy, she is all strung out, but she is a hoot." Cindy is tall, skinny and all strung out, with greasy hair, sunken eyes and spiky cheek bones that I am pretty sure could cut a man who got too close. I may have shook her hand, but I hope I didn't.

She texted me again, "Im lookin to parTy."

There it was. I'm as stupid as the next guy, but I'm not that stupid. The highlighted T means everything and I wanted to throw my phone in the toilet. I texted back, "no clue" and left it at that. Within seconds my phone rang, it was Toxic Cindy.

"Dude, can you help me out?"

"Did you get my text?"

"Yeah, but you gotta know someone?"

"Why would you even think that?"

"You were with Marcus, he's cool."

"Well, oh, well, see, Toxic Cindy, there are a bunch of things swirling inside your head that don't make any sense and I am not sure I can help. I was not "with" Marcus, he introduced us. He is not a friend, a anything. I met him the day I met you. That's it. I don't party and I don't party with a capital t."

"Right."

"Seriously."

"Seriously."

"Are you making fun of me?"

"Help a girl out, come on Johnny."

"Wait, you think I'm Johnny?" I hung up and turned off my phone.

I sat back for a second. Of all the people in the world that I am happy I am not, right now, right this second, for the life of me, I am happy I am not Johnny.