Yes, please ban the cellphone

In America – The NTSB (no doubt a communist organization inside our very own United States Government) has proposed a national ban on the use of cellphones while driving. That means no calls or texting while driving. There is even a proposal that would create some sort of device that shuts off cellphone signals when a cars engine is running, so no one in an automobile would have service. I am shaking my head, I hope you see me shaking my head. I am just like you, fed up with big government telling you and me both, what we can and can’t do, and when we can and can’t do it. They will take my cellphone out of my hand when I am cold and dead after hitting a tree in my car because I was texting and talking and not paying attention while driving at a high rate of speed, possibly drunk.

As many of you know, I am the proud father of 17 children. Sometimes I am driving our ultra-deluxe minivan from here to there, following the directions of the British woman’s voice from the GPS mounted on my windshield, as I am both angrily sharing my opinion on the latest congressional boondoggle with our local rabid radio talk show host, and texting my ex-wife and telling her I disagree with this new religious guru she has living with her and influencing children 7-13 on both prayer and diet, but I am too busy to really focus on those things because the plumbing truck in front of me has just dropped a new sink, box and all, onto the road and I must swerve, meaning I have to quickly put down the bread I was about to finish slopping with peanut butter, and grab the wheel and swerve out of the way of the careening white porcelain sink, which is now moving quickly into my lane, and the radio host is now saying into my ear that my own congressman voted to resurface the highway with tax dollars that could have been used to pay for a winery in my hometown and what did I think about that and with my free hand I grab the phone and look in the rearview mirror only to see baby Jedidiah free from his sturdy child car seat, wildly dancing to Lady Gaga that the kids have blasting in the back speakers of the minivan, and I’m screaming into the phone, just as the front tire misses the sliding sink, “you know what I think, Mel, I think this country needs more wineries, seriously, it’s time we started to think a little more like a more mature country thinks and stopped worrying about roads and missiles and stupid things like that and got our damn priorities straight and started to think about the people, the people dammit and I for one would appreciate a new winery.” With that I hung up and accelerated so I could get a couple of the kids to school on time.

A cellphone ban? Do the people at the NTSB have any idea how important it is to have a cellphone in today’s modern society?