Live blogging the Repblican Debate - again

First, I promised to live blog the republican debate tonight to you, my dearest blog reading know nothings, who trust me for their political information, which is your first big mistake. Then I realized I was running late, I sat down at my computer and fired up the debate and instead some BDSM website came on, but because I was trying to log on to this site to begin to blog and my computer is running slow, the BDSM site began to auto-ply some sort of video and I thought that was the republican debate and for a second I thought that Newt Gingrich and Michelle Bachmann were finally playing out the conservative passions I had often thought were right under their pressed white shirts.

So I am sorry, we now can go to the live blogging the incredibly boring republican debate somewhere midstream.


Rick Santorum; Bottom up...(maybe I am still in the wrong site.) Flip flop bad. Consistant conservative. Gay evil. Blah blah.

Michelle Bachman; I am a leader. My husband is gay. No one likes me, I may be insane. I sat on my hands and then I forgot where they were, is that weird? People ask me, what is up with yoru eyes and I say, whats up with my hands? Hah. I will pre-lobby, and that way, people will not know who is lobbying who, hah.

Rick Santorum; I am different and a minority. I am white and stupid. So there. Shut up, y'all. Hey, look at me.

Some blonde woman is talking now, wait, they are going to a commercial. My lord, she is kind of strange looking, what is she? A robot? Oh, a commercial. I too will be right back, there is a BDSM site I must be checking in on.

Oh my god, I just noticed, instead of going to a commercial, online there are these blow dried "experts" talking about the debate. My lord, I hard to put the BDSM site up again and leave the sound from the debate know nothings so I would not miss the start of the returning debaters, but these political retards make me want to puke. Oh, one used the word subtext and groping, so they actually do fit the BDSM site. And were back.


Des Moines Iowa - Live -

Question - Should voters consider marital fidelity important, or something.

Ricky Perry; Made a vow to god. Stronger than a handshake in Texas (drunk). I think voters already know I am an idiot, so what I am saying does not matter at all. Hey, have I stumbled yet? Who cares, I am a silly little bean, right? What's the question Wolf?

Rick Santorum; First, do not google my name, thank you. Did you just google my name? I hate when people do that. Now, Newt Gingrich fooled around with a lot of sexy women, which is bad, but not men, which is gross. I hate gays. Gays want to marry, and so do goats. If you let goats marry, then gays will too.

Ron Paul; Stand back, put the paddles on my chest please, I think my heart is not working right. Paddles please? Clear. Whew. That's better. OK. I like the constitution again. Cut the budget. Bring back gold. Smoke heroin. Let America be free.

Wild applause.

Mitt Romney; I have a family, like everyone else. I have 6 wives, 27 children and I love America. Who would make a better president. If I could have slaves, I'd do that too, I am an American. Me, America, see? I am a job creator. I am Mitt Romney, love me. Everyone loves me, except Newt Gingrich, who has quite a few wives, but as many as I do.

Michelle Bachmann; Whooooo hooooo. Watch me, I can dance and sing. I'm sorry, people say to me, at least the one's singing inside my head, they say, Michelle, we love love love you. I say, everyone shhhhh, I'm unashamed. I am faithful. People, shhhhh. Ask me about my gay husband, shhhhh. Measure the man.

Newt Gingrich; People like the fact that when one of my wives get sick, I will drop that bitch faster than I would poo on a rock in the desert. Look, as president, you want me in the hospital worrying about my sick wife or sore kid? No, my wife gets sick, she is history and I marry a secretary.

Question - Something about immigration. What can we do about all those undocumented crazy Mexicans?

Newt Gingrich; I am using a lot of government speak right now, trying to ramble and not make sense, anyone paying attention? Good, because I am not going to answer this question, got that? See, the point is, if I ramble and speak in terms no one will really pay attention to, I can speak, make no sense, and we can move on, got it?

Question - But you don't seem to be saying anything.

Newt Gingrich; I am still going to refuse to say anything.

Question - You seem to be full of shit.

Newt Gingrich; I like hamburgers.

Question - Fuck you Newt. Governor Romney, what should we do with people who are not white like you?

Mitt Romney; I am wearing magic Mormon underwear. Look, I like illegal aliens who cut grass, not smoke it (wild applause). What we need to do is secure the border, then we should kill people who I don't like, or do something else. When we talk about America, I think we are talking about America. I love America, you love America, America is America. Rah rah rah.

Question - Governor Perry, what should we do with illegal aliens in the military?

Rick Perry; Secure the border. Enforce the laws. If you elect me as president, I promise to keep this cool haircut and I promise years of silly speak in the form of George Bush kind of spoke and had and people liked and stuff for 8 years, am I right?

Question - Foreign policy question.

Ron Paul; Here is what I think, America should shut the hell up. We need to close the door to the world and leave everyone else the hell alone. We need to colonize the moon. I am tired of this crazy talk. I need water, not a tomato.


Newt Gingrich; Look, here I go, I am going to babble and talk a lot and not say a damn thing, keep up and it will be fun, or go potty, now would be a good time, because I ramble and stumble over a bunch of words that may or may not make sense, and then in the end I will smile, pretend to have said something profound and collect a check from someone, it is how we do it at Gingrich Inc.

Mitt Romney; I am pretty. I am. I think we can all agree that I should be a J. Crew model, maybe for their older mens series of slacks and dress shirts wore casually, but if you look at me, you can see I am a man who can wear a dress shirt casually. Seriously, look at me. Then, look at Newt, he is a fat scary little monster. You want him waddling around the oval office? Seriously.

Newt Gingrich; Let's make things difficult for Israel, that should be funny.


Michelle Bachmann; I have been in Israel. I learned to dance Jew dances and those people are funny, naturally funny. It is a funny place, Israel. I kept asking those Jews, why are you people so funny? And they would make these terribly funny Jew jokes, and I kept thinking, if only I could marry a gay man, and then, within a week, I married me a gay man and now, here I am.

Rick Santorum; Why am I here? Seriously, first, did someone just google my name again? Jesus, please stop doing that. Wait, did you just change it do if you click on my name, it goes to the google definition of my name? OK, now, that is completely unfair. This debate is unfair. I am upset now. I am a white man, in a white world, married to a bland white woman. Santorum.

Rick Perry; This is by far the best scotch I have ever had in the last week. Serioulsly when I was in Detroit last week, I said, you juss wait, cuss I'm a debatin and I'm a kick some ass. So shus up.

Question - Middle class struggles from YAHOO - when was the last time any of you incredibly wealthy republicans had a financial problem, not you Newt, stop laughing. Online the "experts" are back to talk about the debate, but they are boring me, so I am going to do some yoga.

And we're back.

Question - Hello wealthy candidates, have you ever had to give up anything because of financial difficulties?

Ricky Perry; I was young once, and then I was on a radio station. I grew up in a house. At some point I went to college. There was a time I did not know the word lexicon. Now I am not even 27 years old. Social security. I am sure I am stupid and pretty sure ya'll agree. Did I mention how good this scotch is? Damn good. Seriously, if you elect me, I will share this scotch with you.

Mitt Romney; I am rich. Fuck you. I grew up with a dad. He was poor at some point, but not when I was a kid. Then we were rich. Still, I am rich now. And handsome. Not like Newt Gingrich, who has married 3 different women and fornicated at least 500 others, and 12 men. I am running for president because I am rich and pretty, Newt is short, fat and scary.

Ron Paul; I am crazy, can we all just god damn agree on that? I was alive back before we had money. When I was a kid we traded dirt for rocks. Then, we would kill a dinosaur for dinner and everyone would shut up, we should get back to those days.

Rick Santorum; I am a dumb white man and people tell me I am white and I had two parents, a mother and a father, not gay people, not goats, not a drunk governor from Texas or a 50 time married former speaker of the house who no one really likes. I am a straight man, but if I could get some of Perry's scotch in me, I swear I;d kiss Mitt Romney on the lips right now.

Michelle Backmann; Yeee haaaa. I hate Wall Street and I love pretty dresses. So does my husband, is that strange?

Rick Santorum; Sure does.

Michelle Bachman; Here is a link to Rick Santorum, you figure out what Rick Santorum is all about. Look, I am running for president, and I am crazy and a bat on acid, you think that is easy?

Newt Gingrich; I used to be poor. Now, I have swindled zillions of dollars by selling influence. So screw you, and you and, hey Mitt, fuck you. Yeah, I am complete whore, but I am a proud American, I hire illegal aliens and I am scummy, but I lead in the polls, so kiss my lilly white ass.

Question - People want to know more about healthcare mandates.

Mitt Romney; Leave states alone. If states want to do healthcare, fine. If they want to do anything, let them do it. Except sell pot, that we don't let states do. I know, that makes no sense. But seriously, hypocrisy is a messy business and unlike Newt Gingrich, I am not good with details.

Newt Gingrich; Here I go again, I am going to ramble and bramble and stumble and bumble, I am going to numble and bimble and kindle and dindle.

Mitt Romney; (whining) He is not saying anything.

Newt Gingrich; I would slandle and candle, and I would linger and finger, I'd blindle and shindle...

Mitt Romney; You can't just let him talk and not make sense, that is just not fair.

Question - More healthcare, I stopped in at a pharmacy and I was told that people in Iowa are fat and lazy. What should the government do to make people not be stupid?

Ron Paul; Let American people be slow, stupid, obese and idiotic. (wild applause). The government should not force people to do anything. People should be allowed to do any damn thing they want. (wild insane applause).

Rick Perry; Let's the steaks get cooked, and bring me another scotch. Cause, listen, I disagree with the way people are sick of Washington DC. If I was not wasted right now, I'd continue (sleeps).

Another break.

Experts chatting again in some sort of piss me off online forum. See, I don't get this. Anyway, I am sure they are going to continue, but to be honest, they are all starting to bore me and if you need to know more about these pathetic candidates, google Santorum yourself.