Dear Herman Cain,
Stop it. Just stop it now.
Look, I will give you a little bit of advice, although I am a big supporter of Jasper Flem (current leader of all republican candidates running for president) but if Cain has any chance of staying in the race (he does not) then he has to man up.
Herman, here is my advice to you, admit everything. Americans really like men who like women. You know that sexy smile you used in that strange online commercial you made? Show us that smile and say, "damn right I had some sex with that bimbo, and that one and that one too. Might even sex up that one right over there, no not that one, the one next to her, oh hell, both of them are starting to look pretty damn good."
See how easy that was Herman? Guess what? You start telling the truth, Americans will start supporting you, because Americans do not like the truth, don't get me wrong, Americans like men who like to have sex with lots of women, well, that too is not true, what Americans like is politicians who have had sex with lots and lots of women. That much is true, we love our politicians and Supreme Court justices who have sex with a variety of women. It's part of our moral fabric.
Even now, every day another 90 year old woman comes forward and describes in detail how she had sex with John F. Kennedy (I am still not sure what the F stands for) and every time one of these old women comes forward, Kennedy jumps just a little bit higher in the esteem of Americans. I am not sure why, because quite honestly this is a country completely freaked out about sex. We use sex to sell everything from beer to software, thank you very much Wet Panties Microsoft, but when it comes to actual sexy times, we freak the fuck out and hate people who are actually sexual humans doing sexual things. Speaking of which, I was recently diagnosed with the new STD so I am being treated for a Kardashian on my Letterman, but it should heal.
You know who else is kind of a popular former president? Blow job Bill Clinton. Strange right? I can't even remember the president before the current president, although I think his name was a euphemism for female pubic hair, but the former president I do remember is the one who engaged in sexual relations with "that" woman. Why is that I wonder. Does not matter, except that if Herman Cain wants to be known for anything more than a pizza salesman with a lust for heavy set homely women, he may want to step out of the closet and admit it.
Free advice is usually worth about as much as you pay for it Herman. Good luck. Flem, 2012.
It's not the women and the lies, it's the fact that he made some very crappy pizza. No one should ever make crappy pizza.
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