Republican polls

Oh my.

As most of you are aware, a new Time Magazine and Fox News Poll shows that the Republican nomination for president is now being led by Jasper Flem, the industrialist from the South. Flem, who was quoted this morning as saying "if elected I will personally send Ranger Team 6 into Los Angeles and kill Justin Bieber" will no doubt be elected in a landslide.

Flem announced his serious candidacy earlier this year, after a torrid affair with airhead Sarah Palin. Flem realized that if a house plant like Palin could be a candidate for president, so could he.

Flem believes in smaller government, promising to delete social security, medicare, the departments of education, defense and commerce. When asked outside the law offices of Libitard, Karhasian and Flem this morning if he could balance the budget by cutting 90 percent of the government, Flem said, "my goal is to cut so much of the government that the rich end up owning serfs and we return to a time where people are traded on an open market, like ducks and small water craft."

Flem leads all other republican contenders by 85 percent of probable voters.