Bike shorts do not lie

I am once again a cyclist. There are very few things I know about life, and as I age, those things seem to be getting fewer and fewer.

I have a friend who recently said this, "have you lost weight?" I had not, but I think he said that as some sort of off handed compliment, as if losing weight is everyone's secret goal in life. In fact, I have been putting on weight, but my weighty friend seemed to have invested so much energy in the idea that I may have lost weight, I could not not bring myself to tell him the truth.

I don't own a scale. So on the day to day tabulation of weight gain and weight loss, I am not a player. I just know these things to be true. Lately, I have been gaining weight, at some points in my life I have lost, and sooner or later, I will again find balance.

The point of all of this is that we can not always trust our friends when it comes to honest appraisals of our personal upkeep, which is why I like bike shorts. I was preparing for my morning ride earlier and as I tugged on the shorts I noticed how abused they were. On the right side are some road rips, and on the left, some stitching is coming undone.

The interesting side is the right, where at some point my hip slid across some asphalt and ripped up the shorts. Part of what interested me about the rip is that I have no memory of that particular crash. I know, for instance, that a few years ago I touched some black ice, my bike disappeared and I had a crash. In that instance, my biking clothes were cut off me by paramedics, so I do not even have those anymore. So where did the rips on these shorts come from?

Bike shorts do a number of things for a rider, the hold muscles tight, which is nice, they provide a pad so you do not injure sensitive reproductive areas of the body and they offer diet advice. I am often shirtless when I put shorts on in the morning and there happens to be a mirror hanging nearby. Bike shorts are designed to fit snugly, so there is not a lot of mystery to your body when you are wearing them. What is interesting is the stomach fat that tends to get pushed up and over the tight edge of the shorts. I have been in great shape and I have been in terrible shape, and no matter what shape I was in, there is always a layer of fat that hangs over the edge of bike shorts.

That is what I admire about bike shorts. They are not designed to stroke a riders ego, they are function over neurosis. It does take a certain degree of self confidence to think you can wear bike shorts without looking all sorts of disgusting. We have all seen people wearing tight clothes that should not have been worn in public. Cyclists can make this same mistake, but certainly not as often as say, Pardam Vaccua.

Pardam is the Indian Lance Armstrong, except for two things, he has only one leg and weighs well over 300 pounds. I met Pardam as he was hopping to work recently and we got to talking. Pardam is a bike messenger is Berlin. He lost his leg in a freak dance competition accident that is rather famous for anyone who has watched anything on YouTube.

Pardam was wearing specially made one legged bike shorts and I asked him how he managed a, to ride with only one leg and 3, how he managed to maintain his enormous weight when he rode a bike for a living.

Pardam does not speak english, but his sister, Padma does. I called her last week and asked her to interpret what her brother has said. "Pardam is dead to me," was all she would say. I just needed to know the answers to these two questions, and as she hung up the phone all I could hear was, "Pardam is dead to me."

I went for a ride with Pardam and I noticed a couple of reasons why he might not be losing the weight that most cyclists do. First, he rides side saddle, which is both disgusting and funny. Second, his bike has an engine, so even a one legged fat man could ride and get the deliveries done. I mimed to Pardam that he would be in better shape if he actually peddled a bike and he looked at me like I might be insane.

It is a look I know all too well.