The phone began ringing sometime around 3 AM.
I answered it at 3:30.
Me; Hello, who is this and why are you calling me, letting it ring, not leaving voice mail and then calling back and doing the exact same thing?
Houdini; You mean you checked to see if you were getting voicemail, which is one word by the way, and you did not bother to just answer the fucking phone?
Me; The phone is sexless.
Houdini; As am I.
Me; That much I presumed.
Houdini; I've been arrested.
Me; That much I presumed.
Houdini; Seriously.
Me; Seriously?
Houdini; Yes, the chambermaid is claiming I tried to put the moves on her.
Me; You can get arrested for trying to put the moves on. Wait a second, what is a chambermaid?
Houdini; A house keeper.
Me; I believe housekeeper is one word.
Houdini; Touche.
Me; Indeed.
Houdini; Seriously. I was staying in Bangkok.
Me; I'm sorry, say that again.
Houdini; Bangkok, it's a city. What's wrong with you? It's like talking to a teenager.
Me; I'm betting that too could get your arrested in, where are you again?
Houdini; Bangkok.
Me; Yes, Bang Cock.
Houdini; Anyway, the maid is claiming I asked her to disrobe.
Me; Her?
Houdini; Yes, she is claiming I asked her to disrobe.
Me; You asked her?
Houdini; That's what she claims.
Me; That you asked her?
Houdini; Are you numb? Yes, that is what she claims.
Me; No, I mean, she claims you asked her to disrobe for you, or for her to disrobe you?
Houdini; Does it matter?
Me; In Bang Cock it might.
Houdini; Seriously?
Me; How in fuck would I know, I never go Bang Cock.
Houdini; You can stop saying the city name now.
Me; Call my attorney, her firm can handle anything. (Commercial plug right here).
Houdini; Was that just a commercial plug?
Me; Yes, could you throw one in too?
Houdini; Sure. If you need good lawyer stuff, try Libitard and Associates.
Me; I'm not sure it's Libitard and Associates anymore.
Houdini; It was when they handled my divorce.
Me; You got divorced.
Houdini; Again.
Me; You were divorced before?
Houdini; Water under the bridge.
Me; So, did you leave?
Houdini; No, I am still in Bangkok.
Me; Hah.
Houdini; I really don't know why I called.
Me; Facing imminent arrest.
Houdini; Yeah, so what's your suggestion?
Me; The IMF is probably hiring.
Houdini; Already applied.
Me; That and I would say, get out of Bang Cock.
Houdini; That's the plan. See, here's the deal.
Me; Oh no. Not the deal. This always involves money.
Houdini; See, I have a ticket, but to change the date I need 1500 dollars, and it has to be cash.
Me; Bullshit.
Houdini; Bullshit?
Me; Everyone takes plastic, especially the Bangkok airline agencies.
Houdini; Seriously. If I want to get on a flight today or tomorrow, 1500 dollars.
Me; Did you hear that.
Houdini; What? I am not hearing anything.
Me; (Hanging up the phone). Of course you're not hearing anything. Phone went dead.
Yeah!
ReplyDeleteIf Houdini was on this blog every day, you'd have a million visitors.
It's a sign of how stupid you are not to just make this blog all about him. If Houdini starts his own blog, this piece of shit will dry up and fade away
No, just kidding.
But more Houdini, less Transexual bullshit.
Very funny.
ReplyDeleteWait, I bet the chambermaid was wearing something that meant she was just begging to be, what was the term, disrobed? Yeah, Houdini should be jailed for, like, forever. Dude.
ReplyDeleteFucking A, first comment.
ReplyDeleteWait a fuck second, how come there are other comments ahead of mine? That is bullshit. I called first comment.
ReplyDeleteBang Cock.
Hey dumbass, just cause you call first comment does not make it first, you actually have to post the first fucking comment. How can someone so incredibly stupid still find a way to turn on a computer?
ReplyDeleteI want to marry Houdini, even though he may or may not be boffing chambermaids in Bankok.
ReplyDeleteI'm gonna need pics of this "chambermaid" for this to be real for me.
ReplyDeleteOK, The IMF is hiring? Coffee spit take. That line is worth the rest, which I barely survived. The commercial plugs though? Priceless.
ReplyDeleteYay, PIC MAN has arrived. My day is complete. Anyone else notice that no matter what the post, the guy who always needs a pic for it to be real has to chime in? It makes the circle of life complete when this moron asks for a pic no matter what the story.
ReplyDeletePoor Houdini. I sense he may be about to lose his place in the story.
ReplyDeleteThis guy seems to always call you very early in the morning. Why not turn your ringer off?
ReplyDeleteI need your number, I have been waking up at 3AM and no one will take my calls. I need a sucker who will answer the phone when I want to ramble.
ReplyDeleteAre you now writing solely for the assholes at Dodger games to read outloud to one another? I say fuck this and bring back better stories. When I see dialogue I know you are lazy.
ReplyDeleteSo if you don't answer the phone the first few times it rings, why did you answer after 1/2 an hour? And how did you write down everything or was this done from memory? Is Houdini his real name? Have these questions already been answered?
ReplyDeleteMatt, you are starting to attract complete and utter imbeciles. Congratulations, the money should soon come running in.
ReplyDeleteIs it wrong that when I sat down for lunch and saw you answered your phone and it was Houdini I got terribly excited? I hope so.
ReplyDeleteI wish Houdini would call me. Better yet, disrobe me anytime.
ReplyDeleteI am starting to think that all those months in rehab really didn't work for you.
ReplyDeleteThe title, was it supposed to read IMF? IMF is mentioned in the story. If not, what on earth could MF mean?
ReplyDeleteI have to take issue with this. First of all, no woman entices a man to rape her, just the concept of that is sickening. Second, any man who uses his position to take advantage of a woman is breaking any number of laws, not the least of which is disrespecting all women. Finally, Houdini seems like one of those men who feel entitled to do as he pleases with little or no consequences. A terrible person undeserving of your time.
ReplyDeletePrevious, I'm not one to jump to conclusions, but I am guessing you need to get laid, pronto. Oh and stop by the pharmacy and pick up a fucking sense of humor you old douchebag.
ReplyDeleteLadies and gentleman, the humorless have been heard from. A giant fuck you to this bitch.
ReplyDeleteWait, let me take this: "Dear Matt, I is stupid, and I never unnerstan why you answer phone at 3 AM. Why you do that? N how you write all them words down when you wake up at 3AM to answer phne? And why you not just let it go to voicemail? N why this guy call you from wherever and shit?"
ReplyDeleteDamn, the posts are pretty impressive, but some of you commentators are damn close to brain dead.
Sure are a lot of posts. Does this have anything to do with the economy? More people have time to post stupid shit on a worthless blog?
ReplyDeletePrevious poster, seems like you posted, so go ahead an answer it.
ReplyDeleteWitty banter. Very funny writing.
ReplyDeleteI want to be commentator 30. Did I make it? Please tell me I did, BTW, ytiu syck,
ReplyDeleteStupid Stupid stupid stupid
ReplyDeleteBrilliant, the comments, not the lame post.
ReplyDeleteThis would be a great short film.
ReplyDeleteA friend emailed me this blog and I finally got around to checking it out. So I have a bunch of questions, and if there is an email link, I will just email, but a few: How do you make money? Is there a system on when and how you post? Do you work alone or is there a business model involved? What are the other products being developed to work with this blog, books, films, etc?
ReplyDeleteYeah, I'll email, my friend was right, you are quite smart and the writing is wonderful.