Houdini experiment

I was sound asleep at 3AM this morning and my phone was ringing. My lover rolled over, grabbed it, saw who it was, pushed it into my face and said "Houdini."

Answering, I said:

Me; Yeah.

Houdini; Can you come pick me up?

Me; I thought you were in Afghanistan.

Houdini; I was.

Me; Where are you now?

Houdini: Blocknik Coffee, they're open 24 hours.

Me; My Blocknik Coffee?

Houdini; One and the same. Sign says they are going out of business.

Me; That sign is at least 5 years old.

Houdini; Ah, the old Persian rug story.

Me; That seems to be the gag.

Houdini; At some point you have to go out of business, may as well advertise it and people will come in feeling sorry for you, for years.

Me; So, 3 AM and you call to talk about rugs.

Houdini; You still have the Volkswagon van?

Me; I do, it's in the garage, not sure if it starts. Why?

Houdini; Gonna need it.

Me; Look, I have kids, if this involves the transport of illegal weapons, drugs or bodies, I can not get involved.

Houdini; You're already involved. Remember Karl Tivey?

Me; Yeah.

Houdini; He's here, with me.

Me; I'm on my way.

I quickly got dressed, got in my old Volkswagon van, tried to start it, it would not, so I opened the garage door and pushed it down the alley, which has a slight slope, I got some speed, jumped back into the drivers seat and put the clutch in, popped it into third gear and let the clutch out. The engine popped and complained, but started and picked up the old sound of it's better years. Right as I got the engine started I hit the brakes and a police car came around the corner, lights on like a drunken Christmas tree.

Over his loudspeaker the officer ordered me to turn off the engine. I rolled down the window and told him that I could not do that. Over the loudspeaker he said, in a very firm voice this time, turn off the engine. Again, I told him that I was unable to do that. Another police car was now behind me. I turned off the engine.

It took about five minutes to explain why I was in an old Volkswagon van, pushing it down an ally in a high crime neighborhood at 3:15 in the morning. I told them how happy I was to see such vigilance from the police. We parted ways. I drove to Blocknik Coffee.

The Blocknik Coffee shop was something of an institution, opened 24 hours every day of the year, right next to the university, always busy and has always managed to change with the times. Now they have hired a bunch of kids with haircuts and tattoos and slightly arrogant attitudes. The place has those big black and white square tiles on the floor and bright lights, so it stands out and almost emits a glow from a block away.

I walked in. Houdini came up to me first. Tall, pale white, bright red hair, he had not changed in the 20 years I had known him, sans a wrinkle or two around his eyes when he smiled and he smiled a lot. We hugged. Tivey came up behind him, we were not close friends. He was shorter than Houdini, plump cheeks from too many donuts and not enough situps. We shook hands. I followed them to a table filled with empty to-go cups and what appeared to be gardening tools.

Sitting down, I looked at Houdini, who did not seem to want to make eye contact. I looked at Tivey, who stared at me with a blank look in his empty eyes.

Me; So guys, you get me down here at this ungodly hour, what's the problem.

Tivey; I killed a bitch.

Me; Of course you did. And I suppose the garden tools are so we can dismember her in the car.

Tivey; Would that be OK?

Me; Sure, I hardly ever use the old van anymore.

Tivey; So, how's the kids?

Me; They're fine. One of them was just found not-guilty for treason.

Tivey; Imagine that, not-guilty, you must be proud.

Me; Could not be prouder.

Tivey; And your lover?

Me; They're fine.

Tivey; They?

Me; Why not.

Tivey; Good point.

Me; So, I can try this one more time. Why am I here?

Houdini; A few years ago Karl and I borrowed your van to drive to Montreal, remember.

Me; I think borrow is kind of a loose term.

Houdini; You were in Amsterdam, how could we have asked?

Me; Email, phone, twitter. Plenty of ways to stay in touch. Facebook.

Tivey; Facebook is a good way to stay in touch.

Me; I don't trust Facebook. I now do all my social networking at Squirrel&Moose.com.

Tivey; Seriously?

Me; Yeah.

Houdini; He's jerking you off.

Me; Am not.

Houdini; Are too.

Tivey; Yeah, stop jerking me off.

Me; So if I remember, you two took my van a couple years ago while I was traveling.

Tivey; We tried to ask. Did not know how to get in touch.

Houdini; Plus, I guess at the time we figured you would have said no.

Me; I would have not said no, I like you guys.

Houdini; But we needed it to transport illegal aliens from Montreal to Boston.

Me; Seriously?

Tivey; That's the truth.

They continued. So, while I was sunbathing on the shores of the Liptenshitz River in Amsterdam, these two morons were using my classic '66 VW Van to transport French Canadians to work in exclusive Boston restaurants for almost nothing. That may not make sense, the French Canadians were paid a fair wage, Houdini and Tivey were basically paid enough to cover gas to drive these illegals into the country. They did the trip 17 times that summer, all the while I was bike riding the streets of Amsterdam and having the worst time of my life.

Me; So again, why do you need the van tonight? Why did you wake me at 3?

Houdini; Well, see, apparently one of the beauties lost an earring.

Tivey; That part is true.

Me; Wait, are you saying that you woke me, had me drive all the way down here, so you could look through a van for an earring lost 2 years ago on a run of illegal French Canadians into Boston?

Houdini; Not exactly. Well, actually.has it really been 2 years?

Tivey; Yes, I do believe that to be true.

Me; Go look.

Tivey sauntered out and opened the back sliding door, dove into the empty area and within a few minutes came out hold a small earring between his thumb and index finger. He had a big dumb smile on his face.

Me; You guys are going to now track down the woman who lost the earring?

Houdini: I guess.

Me; Wait, did you not know there was an earring in the back of the van?

Houdini; Karl remembered someone talking about it in French.

Me; Two years ago?

Houdini; They were in the van talking about it 2 years ago, yeah.

Me; But you just got around to checking for it tonight, I mean this morning, at 3?

Houdini: I've had too much coffee, got to use the little boys room.

Me; Do you really call it the lille boys room still?

Houdini; (standing) That's what it says on the door.

Houdini stood and walked to the door that has "little boys" written on it. I sat, picked up one of the to-go cups, smelled it, took a sip and began to relax. I sat there for a good ten minutes and realized Houdini had been in the "little boys" room for a long time. I looked out at the van, the sliding door was closed and Karl Tivey was no where to be seen. I stood and walked to the little boys room door, opened it, which opened to a long hallway. I followed it, another door, which opened to the employee parking lot behind the building. Houdini and Tivey were gone.

I got in the van, drove home, crawled into bed, my lover asked where I had been and I said I just went out for a little coffee and we fell back asleep.