War crimes

Ratko Mladic, renowned war criminal and all around evil guy was arrested last week. Now, on this blog, this would not make it on here since this blog seems completely focused on fashion and boogers, but for Ratko, we make an exception.

First, Ratko is the Osama Bin Ladin of white, racist, raping, killing, war criminals. Second he has the best name of any evil war criminal since Hitler. Now, I don't know how to pronounce Ratko's last name, but really, when your first name is Ratko and you kill people, rape people, steal from people and are charged with crimes against humanity, well, I think we can all agree Ratko is the perfect single name for you. Kind of like Madonna, only without the steroids and fake religion.

So, why am I thinking of Ratko this beautiful morning? Well, much like Osama, Ratko has been on the run for many years and unlike Osama, Ratko will face a judge and jury and will face some sort of life in jail and so on, the victims will not feel much better, at least the ones who are alive, but Ratko will no longer be a free man and in some cases, that is what the justice system does.

Now, the problem for me is that Ratko is now off my list of people I can claim to have seen at the local Macy's store. Oh, I know what you're thinking, I am one of those nuts who calls the police with witness accounts of dangerous thugs or suspicious rocks or something, no, not me, not at all.

I keep a dossier of Interpols top ten criminals, one that I keep with me at all times. I also keep the top ten FBI most wanted list, and with both of these, I keep a toll free number to contact the authorities when I see a person of interest. Now, the question you must be asking yourself is, what is the possibility that I, a guy in Pittsburgh, might just happen to run into a world famous criminal mastermind at a mall or Trader Joe's? Wrong question.

In the 90's one of the FBI's most wanted criminals was an unknown whacko who went by the name the Unabomber, a strange man who sent home made bombs to universities and businesses that this Unabomber character thought was ruining the world, or something. See, Unabomber man did not make a lot of sense, but then again, for a long time, he was able to send bombs to professors and inventors and get away with it. The FBI has a hotline, which is my favorite was of communication.

So for many years, I would call the FBI hotline and I would describe in detail the person I thought might be the Unabomber, often supplying a car license plate number or a couple of times, a home address. How was I able to get these things? Because the license plate and home address belonged to my brother, who it turned out was not the Unabomber, but for me, the fun was in the investigation, not the actual arrest.

Imagine my sadness when the actual loony Unabomber was arrested, charged and convicted. Sad times, sad times indeed. Now, I have had to improvise over the past few years. Homeland Security has visited my brothers house twice looking for Osama Bin Ladin and Interpol has both stopped him at the airport in London and watched his house for two weeks after I called breathlessly telling them that I saw Ratko Mladic hanging his laundry outside of my brothers house a few times.

The Ratkos arrest and the Unabomber behind bars and Osama swimming with the fishes, I am getting close to the end. Oh sure, there will always be an FBI top ten list, but much like Billboards top ten, there will never again be Michael Jackson and there will never again be Osama Bin Ladin, Unabomber and Ratko. Plus, my brother moved and refuses to give me his new address.