In a dream I met Issabella. I was in South Texas on an extended vacation. I spent most of my days at the beach and some nights just walking around the small oil town of Lorenzo. Issabella was a waitress at the only decent Italian restaurant in the town. When business was slow she would bring a bottle of wine and sit with me. I considered these dates, I believe she once told me they were awkward attempts at seduction.
One night I asked if she wanted to walk with me to the ice cream shop, a couple of blocks from the restaurant. She walked over and said something to the only other diners, removed her apron and we walked in the hot summer night, holding hands and smiling at the timing.
That was as close as we would get. Her husband returned from the war in Pascovillia, a bitter and tormented man, although, when Issabella was a little drunk, she would admit that when he left for the war he was already quite bitter and tormented. If anything, the war had brought him calm.
For a few more weeks I would frequent the best Italian restaurant and Issabella would bring me a glass of red wine and a perfectly cooked chicken breast and we would smile at one another. When I moved on we exchanged email address and I left her my cell number. Strangely, we have stayed in touch and I think we are much closer now than ever.
At 1:20 this morning, while I was dancing in my bedroom in boxers and a wife beater t-shirt, my cell phone buzzed.
Issabella; Is that you? I am sorry to be calling so soon.
Me; Early. You are calling early. It is 1 in the morning.
Issabella; Were you awake.
Me; Yes I was dancing.
Issabella; Yes of course.
She went on to tell me a gruesome story involving raccoons, an elderly walnut salesman and the complete destruction of a pumpkin field. I was tired and needed rest, so I laid back in bed, the phone cradled to my ear. She told me of her son, Dante, now a chemist with Exxon, but he hates the work, he hates that he helps create the biggest profits in the history of the world while damaging the soul of our very society. That weights heavy on him, she said. I never met Dante and I was starting to drift.
Issabella; I was reading the story about poo on the internet.
Me; I have no idea what you are talking about.
Issabella; If I could, I would link to it right here.
Me; Get your own blog. Is there a point to this call?
Issabella; No. I am just a prop for you to test fun new devices.
Me; Thought so.
Then I fell asleep. Only to wake again at 4:15, dreaming of a large bumble bee hovering over my bed, trying to decide if it should sting me or find a path out of my bedroom.
Slotskys goat cheese is the best.
ReplyDeleteI know what you're doing and it is fucking brilliant. Baby steps, but fucking brilliant.
I knew this day would come.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteI was just looking at buying a used bookstore in the capitol of Uzebeckystan.
ReplyDeleteI don't get any of this.
ReplyDeleteObviously war is hell and when the wall fell down, it mattered which side you were on. I think. Plus, I hate to say it, but fluid language. Remarkable and creative.
ReplyDeletePulled a comment already? Seriously, what could someone have written about this story that would get it pulled? My lord, I see fucks and shits and all sorts of bad language and grammar and nothing gets removed.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to see the guidelines please.
Above, insult the blog master.
ReplyDeleteBlog master, lol. Work the links, work the links and follow the story. I love it.
ReplyDeleteIf you make this work, I swear I will hate you forever.
ReplyDeleteOK, I am emailing this link to everyone and demanding they follow the embedded links.
ReplyDeleteI see you added something to the war story. Is this just growing now?
My business partner just walked into my office and asked why I was crying. I tried to read this outloud to him.
ReplyDelete"My brother Surge was the first doctor to use both tattoo techniques and plastic surgery when doing vaginaplasty. Once he was trying to turn a 40 year old woman who had many children and was the lover of a number of large men into a 20 something virtue. Instead, he created a clown face with tattoo ink, so the older womans vagina looked much like a sad clown. I am not sure what her lovers thought of such a surprise. "
This blog is my favorite.
Where is the Brother Surge part?
ReplyDeleteFollow the links. Then if you update the page, there might be something else added. It's kind of fun.
ReplyDeleteA work in progress?
ReplyDeleteI haven't read all the comments, but why is it titled something to do with poo and then there is no mention of poo? Am I the only one troubled by that?
ReplyDeleteFucking best lunch ever
ReplyDeleteThis makes not a lick of sense
ReplyDeleteTrès stupide, mais j'aime la façon dont il s'écoule et ne prend la peine de donner un sens. Très bon.
ReplyDeleteHow come Issabella is not Becky? Do I know too much about this blog?
ReplyDeleteJust so you know, I refuse to read the previous comments, but I wanted to say that I loved the links.
ReplyDeleteDancing at 1AM? How is the single life treating you?
ReplyDelete"I knew her to lie, she has been having affair with Boris the homo’s wife, who is a man. This for me was last straw, after previous last straw did not hold water. "
ReplyDeleteI hate when previous last straw does not hold water.
Did anyone else say top of your game yet? You know why I say that? This story, nor the ones linked, are that great, but together, with concept and just character, they are impossible to read without laughing. That is a gift.
Wait a second, Fox News declared a Bozo Election to be silly? This is the same company that allows Sarah Palin to sit in a silly suit and fake hair and spew imbecilic nonsense?
ReplyDeleteFucking funny.
ReplyDeleteDelete my comment please.
More links. Bumble Bee? I'd like to know more about the bee's inner dialogue.
ReplyDeleteThe fake Wikipedia link for Uzebeckystan is great. It keeps growing now. Look what you have done.
ReplyDelete"My wife claim fidelity, but once I ask he what she mean when she claim fidelity and she look at me like I the stupid one and she say, “you know what I mean.” Then she kick me in ball and tell me I shut up now or face another ball kicking."
ReplyDeleteOh no, not another ball kicking.
Bozo Benedict was ruthless because his wife, Ruth, had died. I almost spit up my soda.
ReplyDeleteI did.
ReplyDeleteHey fuck stick, how do I get on your nerves and get my fuck diddly comment removed?
ReplyDeleteI must eat Glotch for dinner.
ReplyDeleteWhen you step up and deliver something special, we will begin to expect something special all the time.
ReplyDeleteThe links are seriously demented. I am laughing in my office, door closed, and still getting calls asking me what is funny. Already found the coffee page, keep it up.
ReplyDeleteCan someone tell me where the links are? Am I missing something?
ReplyDeleteRead the fucking post again you stupid moronic bitch. The links are highlighted. If you are so god damned stupid as to not be able to follow links, you probably won't get the humor anyway.
ReplyDeleteFunny stuff, but why the anger in the comments and the language? Seems like junior high must have just got out.
ReplyDeletePhotoshopped.
ReplyDeleteKeep up the good work.
ReplyDeleteI really like the linls
ReplyDeleteLove it, would like to see the world that is getting created
ReplyDeleteYou can tell how popular this blog is getting by looking at the number of comments on this post, 43 and counting, and the number from previous posts, less.
ReplyDeleteNow, your job, how do you keep the interest?
Bitter and tormented? Join the army and find calm. That is hysterical.
ReplyDeleteLove the links. I hope every post comes with links now.
ReplyDeleteIt would be nice if there were more pictures, less words.
ReplyDeleteWhen you put this one, with its funky links and silliness up against the poem for your lost love, it is kind of inspiring that you are not a one trick pony. Great job.
ReplyDeleteWTF, there are a lot of comments for such a badly conceived post. You have written much better and received fewer comments. What does this mean?
ReplyDelete