Love at last

My fiance and I went dancing last night and did not return until early this morning. Why is this a big deal? Well, if this was my first attempt at chicken farming I would say it was a big deal, but this would be my fifth fiance, that's right, 5 count them.

First though, a little information on my latest fiance. We met online a couple of weeks ago, which is, according to Oprah and other desperate women, exactly how everyone meets anyone now days. So there I was, clicking away on this really great single Jewish dating website and all of a sudden a little "chattah" window opened up. The Jews can not just go with the flow on anything, and when it comes to online dating, not only do you have to pay prior to establishing an account, but they have cute Jewish names for everything.

So I was Chattahing with this complete stranger, let's call her "Linda" because that is what I call almost all the women in my life. It really streamlines the conversations, because they almost always go something like this:

Me; Hi Linda.

Linda: My name is not Linda.

Me; Then what is your name?

Linda; Becky.

Me; Well, I will call you Linda.

See how easy that is? Try it yourself sometime.

So I was Chattahing with Linda on the Jew date site and all of a sudden, we were sharing incredibly personal information with one another. I'd say we chatted for well over half an hour and in that time, I learned that she had been engaged once before, she had an abortion in college, she has a tattoo of an Irish shamrock in a sexy part of her body, she has a cat named Felix, has been working downtown for the last 7 years at a job that is both rewarding and frustrating and she has just recently rejoined the dating ranks after a year of therapy and spending time really getting to know herself. In that same time chatting with me she learned that I had banana and granola for breakfast.

So, even electronically I could tell there was something special about Linda, so I asked her out. We met in my neighborhood, between the prostitute and the crack dealer and strangely, she knew where that was. We spent that entire night chatting, talking and communicating. It was sublime and almost immediately I knew this was the woman for me. Around 7 AM I asked her to marry me and she said yes. Thus, fiance number 5 was developed.

Since I have had at least four previous finances, the concept of fiance 5 was not a big deal to me, but the fact that I broke all my own rules is something to crow about, or write home about, or scream from the mountain tops about. Either way, what I decided after breaking it off with fiance 4 (psycho fiance 4 for those keeping score) I knew I had to change the way I went about these things.

In the past I took a "get to know the person" philosophy about both dating and long term commitments. My entire life of fiances has brought me to the realization that getting to know someone is damn near impossible, and by the time you actually really do know someone, chances are you are close to 70 and probably impotent. What I realized after dropping fiance 4 off at the local mental institution was this, I need to spend less time actually getting to know a fiance and more time playing crossword puzzles online.

Linda met all the really important qualities I like in a fiance. She spoke english, which is nice. After that, for me, everything is gravy. What I really like about Linda is that she actually brought gravy to that first meeting, winner.

A lot of you are probably scratching your heads or possibly the head of the person in the cubicle next to you, which might be awkward, but to each his own. You may wonder, how did an obese leprechaun like me ever manage to get 5 fiances. Well, the vast majority of the people who frequent this blog are actually too stoned to remember how this post started, much less have the brain capacity to think about how anyone actually meets anyone else.

The point is this, I have had way more than my fair share of fiances, but the real question is, why have I never married? That would be a good question to answer, but instead, let's look over some of the fiances who came close to the alter, but for whatever reason, in some cases restraining orders, why did we not tie the knot? Or, if we did tie the knot, why did it not stay tied? Or even, if it was tied in such a way as to remain tied, why is there now a Linda who is officially fiance numero Cinco?

First things first. My very first fiance was my high school sweetheart, whom I shall call inflatable doll Becky, only to protect her and her pending patent. She deflated after a year of strenuous usage, and once all the air was out of her, the relationship itself fizzled.

Fiance 2 was actually a living breathing human. We met in college, fell head over heals in love with me, because that's how these things work, and at some point, while she was in bed with another man, I asked her to marry me, and we all laughed a long time. It ended up that the other man thought I was asking him to marry me, and keep in mind, this is long before there were gays or gay marriage or anything else gay.

Fiance two ran off with a woman.

Fiance 3.

What can I say about the love of my life. A classical musician, she was trained at both Julliard and the Barneby Slauson School of Classic Music and Cotton Candy Institute. To say that 3 stole my heart would be an understatement. She did steal my heart, but also my favorite jeans, a tube of toothpaste and 3 coupons for reduced fat potato chips. She also died on 9-11, so for that I try and show respect. Of course, it was September 11, 2003, but still.

Fiance four was kind of like spitting into the wind. Mostly because that was her only talent, spitting, windy or not. She was a backwoods babe, equally comfortable in overalls as she was nude. This was a fiance who did not know the word no. Which is sad because no is a two letter word and everyone knows it. She did not know the word no, yes, deposit, skill, brain or abbreviation.

Dumb as a sack of rocks, fiance two also died tragically in a farming accident, which was a bit ironic since, A - she did not live on a farm and 3- she was attracted to the tractor that ended up running her over because "it's all green and stuff."

What I did learn from all of these fiances is that you can spend days or weeks or even in some cases, years, getting to know someone, only to have the hand of god reach down and pluck them from you like a perfectly formed peach. It was with that knowledge that I agreed to meet Linda, and within 6 hours I was engaged and we plan to actually get married this weekend.

It is all very romantic. I am head over heals in love and the world is a better place. It is amazing what profound love can do to ones soul.

Oh dear. I just got a text. It seems as though "Linda" has read this blog and does not see a future in someone so "shallow, self centered and grammatically challenged."

I do like the sound of fiance 6.