President Flem

"I want to bring White back to the White House," and with those telling words, Jasper Flem, famed industrialist, father of two lovely all white children and half a dozen or so not so white children, announced this morning that he would be running for president as a republican candidate.

Flem, who kicked off his candidacy in the flooded Memphis Museum of Cowboys and Adulterers told the rapt audience that this country "can not afford to go back to the tax and spend policies of the former administration" although no one in attendance knew what administration he was referring too.

Flem, who grew up in a trailer in rural Alabama, said that his motivation to seek the nomination came from "being real fed up with those suit wearing hippicrits in DC." As he said this he adjusted his overalls and spat twice.

Flems' wife, the former Baton Rouge beauty queen Joan Fillibaster Flem was not at the announcement, choosing instead to stay at the couples palatial estate outside of Greensburg South Carolina. When asked about his absent wife, the candidate turned to the New York Times reporter covering the announcement and said, 'well, unlike intellectual Jews, our women like to cook."

Flem was asked about the controversial nature of his campaigns website, where the tag line reads, "bringing white back to the white house." Flem laughed off the controversy, "well, there you liberal media elites go again, trying to stir the shit. The American people know the truth and I am speaking the truth, so be it."

In the past two weeks alone Jasper Flem has had to answer a number of personal questions regarding his apparent insatiable lust for Latin women. The Associated Press and The National Enquirer both published long winded essays on the former Bottle King of the Souths illegitimate children, at last count 7, but everyone admits that number is certainly going to go higher. At this mornings announcement, Flem took the controversy head on. "I will say this, if you have never been with a Latin woman, you have no clue what I am talking about, but those of you who have traveled South of the Border will know, once you cross the border, you ain't coming back without at least one or two extra ponchos." The gathered reporters almost all began to scratch their collective heads.

In most election cycles a candidate like Flem might not be taken seriously, but with the recent withdrawal of super serious candidates like Donald Trump and OJ Simpson, the republicans are reaching out to lesser qualified possibilities. A recent Pew Poll showed that Jasper Flem is already 37 points ahead of Newt Gingrich in Iowa, New Hampshire and most of the South. When asked about this powerful lead and any advice he would have for the former speaker turned Fox News blow hard, Flem said this, "my friend Newt should have taken my advice back in '94, come with me to Brazil is what I told him then, and instead he went to the cancer ward and divorced his wife. I kept telling Newt, not now, not now. Did he listen to old Jasper? No. Now who is on top of the polls Newt? Huh? Can't hear you..."

Flem left the museum, got in his truck and began his campaign by stopping at the gas station across the street and filling up his tank while waving at women who drove by.