My phone started ringing last night, but Sunday night is always Clash night at my house, a tradition. So I was sleeping to the comforting sounds of London Calling and I missed the first 17 calls that came in.
I dozed off and at some point the phone was ringing again. I looked at the screen and the images were the fires of hell, which meant my dear friend Becky from Hell was calling. Long story, Becky and I used to plot terrible things, mostly toward a number of ex's, but also against shoe salesmen, people who open great restaurants and then close them and a donkey named Taco.
Because our planning was so intricate and evil we both readily admitted that the mere talk of such dubious deeds would certainly guarantee us a place in hell, I believe Becky from Hell would refer to it as our Condo in Hell. Imagine my surprise to get a call at 3 AM this morning, from Becky from Hell who now actually resides in hell, having died a tragic death which, if news reports are too be believed, involved two members from the Los Angeles philharmonic and a fishing boat named Felix Navidad.
I answered.
Me; Of course you do not care what time it is.
Becky; Good morning to you too.
Me; Seriously. It's like 3 AM here.
Becky; Big news. Wake up.
Me; No, even big news can wait.
Becky; Seriously, do not hang up. Something big is happening.
Me; Not at 3AM it's not, at least not for me.
Becky; Look, I was at the Reagan-Nixon library studying...
Me; There's a Reagan-Nixon library in Hell?
Becky; Where else?
Me; Good point. (pause) What does one study at 3AM at the Reagan-Nixon library.
Becky; Toast. That's all they have, no books or audio tapes, ironically enough, but lots of toast.
Me; Toast?
Becky; Toast.
Me; Weird. So, you are enjoying some toast and you think you might want to call me?
Becky; Hang on a sec, (to someone walking by) No, fuck you Hitler. That's right, I am talking to you. Pussy. (focused) OK, where were we?
Me; Was that really Hitler?
Becky; Yeah, and the fucker owes me, like 34 million dollars. Never wins a bet, never pays. I hate Hitler.
Me; Join the club.
Becky; Anyway, I was toasting, that's what we call it in hell, toasting at the library and all of a sudden, over the loud speaks, there is this...
Me; There are loud speakers in Hell?
Becky; Yes, and the worst part, well, I mean the part that really makes this hell? Ryan Seacrest does all the announcements. See, when we used to go out for Mexican food and we would joke about a condo in hell, let me tell you something, hell is not a lot of fun.
Me; That's probably why they call it hell.
Becky; Good point.
Me; So, continue, you were toasting when Ryan Seacrest had an announcement.
Becky; Well, as you can imagine, in Hell there are announcements all the time, lottery numbers, the score of the Cubs games and the odds of Sarah Palin being elected president.
Me; Jesus, you people in hell vote on whether Palin gets elected president of the United States?
Becky; No, of course not, not even Americans are stupid enough to do that. No, we vote on whether she will be president of hell. Right now, she is a shoe in.
Me; Brilliant.
Becky; Anyway, Seacrest is all serious and says that we should all be cleaned up, that a major celebrity is on the way. I get all excited, because you know as well as I do, I have always admired Joan Rivers work.
Me; Joan Rivers died?
Becky; Years ago.
Me; So why is she just now getting to hell?
Becky; Purgatory.
Me; My people do not believe in purgatory.
Becky; I thought your people did not believe in hell.
Me; That too. Then again, you are calling from hell, eh?
Becky; Wait a second, Seacrest is announcing something.
Me; By the way, how is Ryan Secrest in hell, he is not dead.
Becky; Dead inside, that's all that counts.
Me; I did not know that. So what's the announcement?
Becky; Hang on, let me ask someone. (to someone else). Hey Saddam, what's the news? Seacrest is gay? That's the announcement? Oh, no, you thought that was funny. Saddam, you kill me. What is it? Joan Rivers? Fine by me.
Me; So what's happening in hell?
Becky; Apparently Bin Laden is on his way.
Me; No way. Osama Bin Ladin? Osama Bin Ladin is on his way to hell?
Becky; No, Billy Bin Ladin, his pretty son. Osama is in purgatory.
Me; That's probably not so bad.
Becky; With Joan Rivers.
Me; Ouch.
Was hoping you'd have something. Brilliant, Becky in Hell. Just brilliant. Reagan-Nixon library? LOL.
ReplyDeleteYou need to offer insurance for people who spit or spill coffee on their work computer. This was very funny. Another Becky. This one your on the scene source from hell. Just wanted to say well done.
ReplyDeleteFor whatever reason, I like the idea of Bin Ladin in hell.
ReplyDeleteJoan Rivers is dead, for how long, 2 years? Fucking great stuff.
ReplyDeleteBilly Bin Ladin, the pretty one. Yay!!!
ReplyDeleteBin Ladin is dead, bring the troops home.
ReplyDeleteI come to this blog for a wisdom and today all I get is anger and hatred. Oh, wait, that was for the Fox News blog. I come here for yucks.
ReplyDeleteThe world is just a little bit better place today because Bin Ladin is gone. Is Ryan Seacrest joined him in hell, that too would be good news. Joan Rivers on the other hand, nah, now that I think about it, send her to hell also.
ReplyDeleteGreat post BTW.
Official announcer in hell? Ryan Seacrest, of course. You know what? That would be my version of hell right there.
ReplyDeleteNo books, just toast. All those play writing courses have finally paid off.
ReplyDeleteI'm not the guy who always posts this, but in this case, with Bin Ladin, without a pic, that dude ain't dead.
ReplyDeleteThis is a very funny post, but to be honest, I am not buying the raid/killing story.
ReplyDeleteNixon, Reagan library in hell. For that I love you.
ReplyDeleteBest news today? Joan Rivers in hell.
ReplyDeleteSo much is wrong with this, from Saddam making gay jokes to the pretty son going to hell, like an unwanted Balwin brother. Just a funny funny post.
ReplyDeleteSaddam is in hell? And Joan Rivers and Hitler? Plus Reagan? Hell really is hell, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteWait, Hitler wagers with Becky in Hell? God damn, not sure why, but that to me is just great.
ReplyDeleteThank god for this post. I needed to laugh and this post has me smiling. Your version of hell is so much fun, plus I am pretty sure I will be right there with you.
ReplyDeleteAgain, the post sucks, but the comments, brilliant.
ReplyDeleteWait, I am at lunch, finally, reading this and laughing so hard people are staring at me. First, did you recently write that you had sheep named Hitler and Reagan? Now, a Reagan/Nixon library in hell? Fuckin A, that is just poetic. But honestly, Saddam, Hitler and a Becky all awaiting OBL in Hell? I'm not gay and I am happily married, but if you want to date, I'll buy dinner. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for this
ReplyDeleteDid you or did you not say you would meet me for lunch today in Chicago?
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure which is better news, Joan Rivers is dear or Osama Bin Lidin is dead. Either way, the world is a better place.
ReplyDeleteI come here to laugh, not have politics shoved gently but deeply up my ass. At least I thought that was politics.
ReplyDeleteAgree, fucking funny.
ReplyDeleteAvoid the hype.
ReplyDeleteHold on one second. Did Joan Rivers really die? Not that I care, but I find it remarkable that on her death you find it OK to make fun of her families loss.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I do not believe in hell, but if there is one, I certainly hope Bin Ladin is there, with Salin, Lenin and Reagan.
OK, funny post, butt he comments are even stranger.
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ReplyDeleteNothing new? Not happy about this at all.
ReplyDeleteRyan Seacrest, dead inside. Enough said.
ReplyDeleteFunier the secnd time sadound
ReplyDeleteHitler, always with Hitler.
ReplyDelete