Out and proud

So I am in bed, which is where I belong and I just happen to be hanging with one my lawyers, Beth Libitard, esq, and we were talking about all sorts of things.

First, Beth has and always will be, an out and proud lesbian. For as long as I have known her, she has preferred the ladies, that's is how she likes to refer to her "lifestyle".

I never trust people who use the term lifestyle to describe lesbians, or gays for that matter. Really, what they are trying to do is degrade sexuality. For me, sexuality is a primal urge and it does not really matter much how one focuses that primal push for love and lust. Beth is beautiful, thoughtful, possibly brilliant,decent friend, a good dance partner and a lesbian. Oh well.

Me; What is something I don't know about you?

Beth; I have dual citizenship?

Me; Seriously?

Beth; Both parents were Australian.

Me; But you have no accent.

Beth; Well, I was born in rural New York and I just never got around to any sort of accent, be it New York, Australian and Polish.

Me; Are you going to make a polish joke?

Beth; Why would I?

Me; I sense you might be about to. You know, it's been years since people made Polish jokes.

Beth; Had no plan to make a Polish joke. I like Jewish jokes.

Me; Careful.

Beth; So, how are you explaining us in bed together on a warm Saturday morning?

Me; I try not to.

Beth; Explain?

Me; Right.

Beth; No, explain why you would not try to define how I ended up in your bed.

Me; Well, aren't you coy. First, as far as I know, you are in a long term committed relationship.

Beth; True that.

Me; Did you just say true that?

Beth; Yes.

Me; Anyway, what I remember is, we went out last night, walking the neighborhood, and we stopped at some house that you knew, not me and we talked with, what's his name?

Beth; Champ?

Me; Did you just swoon?

Beth; Well, did you see him?

Me; He's cut, yes, I saw him. Damn, now that I think about it, he is a handsome man. But I thought you were, what's the word I'm looking for?

Beth; In a committed long term relationship?

Me; Dyke.

Beth; That too. Does not mean I don't look.

Me; Seemed like more.

Beth; Open to possibilities.

Me; Aren't we all.

Beth; Hallelujah.

Me; So, how did rural, dual citizenship, incredibly sexy and athletic get a law degree?

Beth; Why is that so hard for you to comprehend?

Me; Just seems kind of weird.

Beth; Small minds.

Me; True that.

Beth; You're even more boring on Saturday mornings that you were trying to impress Champ with your new muscles.

Me; New muscles?

Beth; Right, ever since you started working out, you are wearing these little t-shirts.

Me; And?

Beth; And nothing. It's pathetic. How old are you?

Me; 28.

Beth; In dog years?

Me; I did not realize dogs were smart enough to have their own calenders.

Beth; True that.

Me; If I never hear the phrase true that again I will die happy.

Beth; Speaking of which, we were wondering, since you are writing a will, is there a limit on your lifespan?

Me; There is a limit on everyone's lifespan. How did you know about my will?

Beth; You left it open on your laptop.

Me; I leave a lot of things open on my laptop.

Beth; This much I know.

Me; Yes, working on a new will. The last one was dated. I have much less stuff to leave to far fewer people.

Beth; I did not notice my name anywhere.

Me; You are my attorney.

Beth; Right, but I am not even the executor.

Me; And your point is?

Beth; We are in bed on a warm Saturday morning, I love you, you love me, and not a thing in the revamped will.

Me; OK, well, I am working on it. How about I leave you a painting?

Beth; Can I pick which one? Because knowing your kids, there will be a battle.

Me; True that.

Beth; Stop.

Me; Sorry. Yes, I will find a painting that fits you, that I think will remind you of our time together.

Beth; What if I die first?

Me; Doubtful.

Beth; Seriously.

Me; Seriously.

Beth; Well, quit putzing around and find me my painting.

Me; It's not like this is my last weekend.

Beth; That would be a great novel, "My Last Weekend."

Me; If it was your last weekend, what would you do?

Beth; Let me think on that. What would you do?

Me; Killing spree of epic proportions.

Beth; Seriously?

Me; No. I'd hang with people I love.

Beth; That's it?

Me; Yeah. Probably. You?

Beth; I really don't give that much thought, I am all about the moment. In some ways, every weekend is lived as if it is my last.

Me; You never know when you might get hit by a car.

Beth; That's funny.

Me; Why?

Beth; My mom got hit by a car. And my dad.

Me; I did not know that. Same car?

Beth; Not sure, in both cases the driver did not stop.

Me; No way.

Beth; Way.

Me; Wow, this is something I did not know.

Beth; There's a lot about me you do not know.

Me; I know you totally have the butch dyke haircut going on.

Beth; You like it?

Me; I do.

Beth; You could use a haircut.

Me; There's a lot I could use right now.

Beth; Do you miss New York?

Me; I do. Do you?

Beth; Not as much as one would imagine. There was good and bad there. I liked the farm, but hated some of the people. Remember Sunday?

Me; Sure, tomorrow is Sunday.

Beth; No the white trash idiot who lived near the farm.

Me; Oh, right, I forgot about Sunday. She was French right?

Beth; Or so she claimed. Much like I'm Australian.

Me; Right she had no accent either.

Beth; Or manners.

Me; True that.

Beth; Thought we had a deal on true that.

Me; Again, sorry.

Beth; I miss New York City.

Me; You went to college in New York, right?

Beth; Columbia. Ivy League, first of my family to graduate with a law degree.

Me; How is that working out for you?

Beth; No complaints. The money is good.

Me; Right on.

Beth; But New York city lost its allure for me when I had to go to rehab.

Me; Bullshit. You never went to rehab.

Beth; There's a lot to me you don't know about. Did you know I was once engaged to a man?

Me; No fucking way.

Beth; Seriously.

Me; Tell me more.

Beth; A pilot for United. We fell for one another on a flight to Rome. We spent a month drinking, eating well and, as you can imagine, going at it like dogs.

Me; I can only imagine.

Beth; Please do.

Me; What happened?

Beth; Like the dog that he was, he went back to his wife and 8 kids.

Me; 8 Kids? Jesus.

Beth; Almost a litter, right?

Me; Almost.

Beth; Can you go get me some coffee?

Me; No.