Gay slur

I just read that now a major league baseball coach has been accused of using a gay slur. Last week is was presumed rapist and Lakers star Kobe Bryant who used the F word. F in this case I assume was FAG.

Which brings me to my point thank you very much.

Dear Gays,

We would like some words back. You can keep Fag because mostly the only other people using that word are the English, and they use that to describe a cylindrical object they put in their mouths. Wait for it. Never mind.
You may keep the Fag word.

Queer? We want that one back, sorry. Personally, queer is a great word. When someone does something eccentric, they are doing something queer. Now, you people, you have used that word to describe all sorts of behavior. When Sketchy the Addict spends countless hours cruising gay hook up sites on the internet looking for an unknown number of new partners, that is very queer, right? See, the word needs to be returned, and cleaned first.

Fist. Well, now that I think about it, keep fist. Although recently I fell off a chair and hurt my hand and when I was talking to my doctor I told him I was having trouble with my fist and he said, use more lube. Own it.

Bear. Now, just yesterday, I was walking in the city and I came face to face with a large man with a lot of facial hair and my instinctive reaction was, wow that man looks like a bear and just as quickly, I realized that you gays have stolen that word and use it to describe short fat hairy men, of which, by the way, I am one. So, that word, return it, after a brush and shampoo.

Queen. Look my gay brothers, we are about to go through the ritual of yet another royal wedding, with millions of idiots tuning in around the world for god knows what reason. All I know is soon enough I will be hearing stories about the queen did this and the queen did that, and all I will think about is a sort of feminine man dancing in the streets in a pink tutu. Speaking on behalf of the citizens of the world, return the queen and leave that word alone. You can keep Elton John.

Mary. My sister is named Mary for gods sake, is nothing scared? Plus, I think we can make a trade. If you gays will stop using the word Mary, the rest of the world will let you Marry. Deal?

Finally, and this one is a little dicey. Anal. That's right, we want anal back. I have a lot of jewish friends and on almost a daily basis I find myself prepared to say something to the effect of "well, maybe if you weren't so anal." Then of course, I catch myself. You gays have ruined one of the simplest diagnoses for Jewish paranoia that ever existed. Not only do we want anal, wait did I just write that we want anal? So be it, speaking on behalf of the citizens of the English speaking world, we want anal and we want it now!

Thank you for your quick response to these requests.

Yours,

Beth Libitard, esq
Attorney for Verbiage and Stuff

PS; Before returning Anal, how about a long shower? Thanks.