Becky Who Drinks, in her own words

It's early evening. A light rain is falling, ending what has been a beautiful sunny day. I am napping on the couch, which is what I am supposed to be doing. The phone rings.

Me: (answering phone) Hello.

Becky Who Drinks (WD): I read the blog post.

Me: Who is this?

BeckyWD: Seriously, you make me sound like a raving alcoholic.

Me: Did not. Who is this any how?

BeckWD; It's Becky Who Drinks.

Me; You can't complain about sounding like an alcoholic when you wake a man at 3 in the afternoon to identify yourself as Becky Who Drinks.

BeckyWD; You did that. You gave me that name on your blog.

Me; Did not.

BeckyWD; Did too.

Me; Did not.

BeckyWD; Stop. I am not a drunk.

Me; That's what Drunky McDrunkington used to say.

BeckyWD; Did he now.

Me; True, he would actually say that shit faced drunk.

BeckyWD; Have you ever seen me shit faced drunk.

Me; Doggy style.

BeckyWD; What's that?

Me; I have not seen you shit faced drunk.

BeckyWD; That's not what you said.

Me; No, to answer your question, I have never seen you totally shit faced drunk.

BeckyWD; See that?

Me; What?

BeckyWD; You added a "totally" in the sentence.

Me; Don't think I did.

BeckyWD; Well, if you use this in your blog, be sure and edit out the part that makes you look like a weasel.

Me; I always do.

BeckyWD; What did doggy style mean.

Me; No idea what you are talking about.

BeckyWD; Hey shit head, page up, you said "doggy Style?"

Me; Right.

BeckyWD; Yes, right. So, why did you throw that in there.

Me; Might have been the only time I saw you shit faced drunk.

BeckyWD; Portland?

Me; Yes, Portland. My lord...

BeckyWD; That's true. Well, not me being shit faced. I was not.

Me; Seemed like it.

BeckyWD; I imagine from your perspective that might be true.

Me; I imagine from the bartenders perspective it might be true.

BeckyWD; Right, that too.

Me; Good times though.

BeckyWD; Not the point of this call actually. You wrote in your blog about me.

Me; Yeah, but I did not use your real name or any real identifying characteristics.

BeckyWD; Let's see, red hair, lobby for gun rights, was in Pittsburgh for the NRA convention. I could go on.

Me; That and you drink.

BeckyWD; Seriously, shut up. I am not an alcoholic.

Me; Me neither.

BeckyWD; I liked you better when you weren't drinking.

Me; Well, I am working my way to becoming an alcoholic.

BeckyWD; Nice goal.

Me; Alcohol is my gateway drug, I hope to be shooting heroin when I turn 80.

BeckyWD; Just when you turn 80, or will you already be shooting.

Me; God no. I mean, first I hate needles and 3, I could not sustain the addict lifestyle, I want to start around 80.

BeckyWD; You missed 2.

Me; What?

BeckyWD; You said point one, and then point 3. There was no point 2.

Me; So?

BeckyWD; Just makes sense that if you have only two points to make, you might go from one to two, instead of jumping over 2 and moving directly to 3.

Me; Fuck 2.

BeckyWD; Anyway, my point is, or was, is that you did not have to keep mentioning that I was drinking. Plus, to be honest, the post about me? It sucked.

Me; Not true.

BeckyWD; No, seriously, it sucked.

Me; Right. That part I agree with.

BeckyWD; So, maybe what you could do is do one of those stupid interview things where you write down what the person says.

Me; I did that a week ago with Houdini. People loved it, most popular post ever on the blog.

BeckyWD; Right, so do me some help. Do one of those, but make it interesting.

Me; I'm not sure that's possible. Well, wait, are you drinking now.

BeckyWD; Glass of wine, why?

Me; Well, I mean, your name is Becky Who Dirnks. And you are drinking. Got it.

BeckyWD; No, don't focus on the drinking. I could tell some sort of funny story. I walked in on Senator Ensign masturbating at a gun show in Phoenix.

Me; That's gross. That's not funny. That's plain gross. There is nothing about that story that is funny. Entirely gross. Thanks for that. You know what, if I was typing everything you said, I would add that part about a senator yanking in Arizona and I would find a way to remind people that you told that unfunny lame ass story while drinking alcohol.

BeckyWD; Wine.

Me; Oh, wine is alcohol. You know what Drunky McDrunkington used to say? Wine is alcohol like pot is brownies.

BeckyWD; He really was an idiot.

Me; Was? I believe he still is.

BeckyWD; Anyway, could you please do something to rehab my presence on your blog?

Me; You want to be a reoccurring character?

BeckyWD; Is Houdini?

Me; Gots to be. People love him. Although, in a month, during a blind rage over an answer I get wrong while watching Jeopardy, I am going to brutally kill him.

BeckyWD; I want in on that.

Me; Step up your game Becky Who Drinks, or no one will want you involved in the story.

BeckyWD; Please don't call me Becky Who Drinks.

Me; Hey now, calm down. Do you think Drunky McDrunkington likes his name?

BeckyWD; But that's his real name.

Me; As is yours, as is yours....