The new diet

A lot of people, thousands, stop me on a daily basis and ask how I have lost so much weight (this never happens) and I tell them (I never talk to strangers) that I have a new diet plan (this part is true) and then they ask me what it is (again, this never happens) and so I tell them (if I was talking to strangers, which I never do, I would certainly not be sharing dietary secrets, or anything else, unless it was a forbidden kiss and that's just because I am moody that way, but seriously, I never kiss strangers or talk to them, hard enough for me to get the courage to write these insipid blog posts.)

I will give you an example of how my diet works. This morning I was walking downtown, which is seemingly all I ever do if you read this blog and see all my exploits of speed walking the downtown core, but that is just not the case. Anyway, there I was, building to building, walking briskly in the light rain. As I entered one building I could smell fresh rolls just out of the oven. There are few things that smell better than fresh rolls out of the oven, maybe Becky who showers in Lilac, but that is it.

So I made a mental note to myself, as I was leaving, I would walk into the bakery and buy myself a fresh roll, maybe two because I like rolls. So I go up to the office, do my thing, flirt with the receptionist, admit that I like the new art on the walls and then I said goodbye.

I left the building, jaywalked across the street to the next building I was supposed to be visiting and as I took the elevator up to the 28th floor I started to think. What was it I was supposed to be doing? Was there something important I needed to remember? As the elevator doors opened and a beautiful young woman said hello, I said, I want a fresh roll.

That right there is how I have lost over 48 pounds in the last week. You too can lose ungodly fat and still be pretty, just like me, how? Forget about it. Not the fat, hard to forget about something hanging over your belt. No, do like I do, forget that you wanted a fresh roll, or lunch, or dinner or even ice cream. If you forget to eat, you start to shed the unwanted pounds away.

See how simple that is?

Now the key to this new and super special diet plan is this.

Wait for it.

Wait.

Never mind. I forgot.