Letters that need answers

Matt- Can you tell me how to hang a door?

No, I can not.

I read your blog almost daily and I wonder if you ever just make up letters and claim people have emailed them to you? By the way, I think you are super sexy, smart as all get out and probably an amazing person.

All true.

Hi-I think we met a few years ago in Berlin. If possible, could you re-send me the pictures?

Never been to Berlin. Pictures you say?

There once was a man from Natucket.

Yes, continue.

One of the things I have noticed about your blog is that when there is a judgement to be made, you seem pretty self assured that your way and your way of thinking is right. This comes off as hard and judgemental. Comment?

Not really. Write an email that makes you look like an ass, you think I am going to spend a lot of time determining if you are indeed an ass? Think not.

Why do people open their mouths and look to the skies when it snows?

They like the taste?

Do you watch a lot of TV? If so, which are your favorite programs and if not, why not?

As you may know from reading this blog, TV and I had a huge falling out about a year ago. Seems that when I was not home, TV was tuned to Jerry Springer. See, I have nothing against Mr. Springer or his trailer park dwelling denizens, what I find offensive is that my TV, my very own TV, would, behind my back, watch things I would never dream of watching. So to answer your question, why yes I do.

Do you ever get drunk?

Most mornings, yes.

Why do you call most women you know Becky?

I only make friends with women named Becky, it keeps everything simple and I always know who I am talking to.

Do you ever cry?

Yes, right now I am crying, Becky and thank you for asking.

Why do people celebrate April 1?

I am not sure how it started, but I was born 27 years ago and birthed on April 1st and let me tell you, it is not easy being born on a day when people feel free to pull pranks. I can not tell you how many great birthday parties were interrupted right when things would be getting interesting, with my mother bursting out of an absurdly large cake, completely naked to the world, and screaming in a drunken falsetto, "happy berfday Mel."