That's just gross

I was at WalMart today, like so many recent days. WalMart speaks to me. It is my hidden treasure. Whatever I need, it has. I also like the zombies.

So I was speed walking, because to be honest, it really is the only way to avoid the zombies at WalMart. I know what you're thinking, you're shaking your head and saying to yourself, I wonder if he shops at our WalMart, cause there sure seems to be a lot of zombies there.

I know, right?

See, I have been doing some FoxNews research and here is what I found. WalMart is heaven.

All true, and the report has footnotes. When I was in seventh grade I was convinced I would never find a use for a footnote in my adult life. If I could go back in time to my seventh grade self I would pull him aside and say, used footnotes, 2011. Then I would whisper in his ear, buy Apple anytime after 2008.

As I was speed walking in the WalMart parking lot, a fat guy in a big truck and according to some sort of internet rumor, a fat guy in a big truck usually indicates a tiny penis. So this fat guy sees me speed walking toward my car, and he says something to the effect of what's the hurry, can't wait to get home?

Really? What are you supposed to do in such situations? Was I supposed to slow down and answer? Is that even a real question? Well, here is something funny, when walking fast through a parking lot of zombies and micro-penised big truck driving fat people, by the time you hear their inane question and ponder a proper response, you are already out of ear shot.

I just realized that if a strange man from the future, a man who would look remarkably like me, say 10 years after the seventh grade, or something, anyway, if I was that seventh grader, and some man from the future stopped me and told me to buy Apple any time after 2008, I would be sure to begin buying apples in 2008. Because that was the sort of nimrod I was in seventh grade.

Of all the things I could impart on my seventh grade self, it is a little amazing that I would travel back in time to brag about the usage of footnotes in a pretend report for the corrupt and banal news service, FoxNews. I could not find a better reason to ever ponder the idea of traveling back in time to impart wisdom on me, a seventh grader.

Then again, even from this perspective, I would probably not have much more to say to seventh grade me. A word of advice to all the seventh graders who read this blog. First, never take time out of your busy day to speak with men from the future who have some sort of bragging, question, advice for you. Chances are they are retired priests.
Then again, if you are really in seventh grade, why are you even reading this blog? I was in seventh grade just a few years ago and I can't bring myself to read this stuff. Then again, some of it is obscene. And there was a naked picture of a celebrity.