Why thank you

As you know, I have been thinking of running for president and I am getting close to a decision.

As some of you have wondered, it is true, I was born in Kenya, but my mother was from New York and my father was not, which makes me American and proud. As for my birth certificate, I can not find a copy, but if you keep asking, I will find new and creative ways of answering. I promise.

As for my education. Well, I did go to a Madrassa in Afghanistan, where I learned English and other stuff, not the least of which was bombing embassies and meeting 73 virgins. After that foray into higher education, I studied at Princeton, where as a post operative plutocrat, I studied under Farley Roosevelt (no relation) and learned about how the government can and sometimes does make people happy.

I want to make people happy.

If elected, not only will I jew up the place, but I will make people happy.

Finally, I think it's very important that people know where I stand on the important issues.

Fake tans - never.
Smoking - bongs only.
War - what is it good for, absolutely nothing.
Partisanship - I will not back down.
Legacy - Rather have a Subaru.
Abortion - my mom threatened, but never went through with it.
Debts - I am all for spending.
Budgets - I am all for cutting.
Madonna - dead to me.
Reagan - before my time, but I hear he told funny jokes.
Clinton - I did have sex with that woman, sorry, it's true.
Bush - personally I like bush.
Kenyans in general - seem like pretty nice people.
Terrorists - bad.
Soldiers - good.
Bail outs - too complicated for me. I'm a leader, leaders lead.

Oh, that last line is my all time favorite.

So, soon I will decide whether I want to be president, and whether I have the time to dedicate to being a decent president, because let's be honest, presidents that promise to bring civility to the White House, or a return to "American values" or whatever it is they are promising, those people always let us down. Presidents, like most people, like orgies, so what?

So, thank you again for your rabid attention and willingness to go to Iowa and campaign for me. Be honest, with me and Michelle Bachman running for president, you had better start collecting your best acid. It is only going to get freakier.