"I have read some of the posts you did recently on relationships and I think you kind of answered some of my issues, but some you skidded over and I may not have read all your posts, so if this is something you have answered before please just send me a link and if not, maybe give it some thought and let me know what you think. I am 2.5 years into a great relationship, except that the intimate part of our relationship is waning. The first few months of getting to know each other was filled with experimentation and just a lot of sexual activity, and now it seems to be gone. Part of our issue is that about a year ago she told me that she was sexually abused as a child and since that time things have steadily gone downhill as far as passion goes. Now I am worried that if I push things, I will just be another man who takes advantage and if I don't get more sex, I will be another man who left her. Help."
Oh, this old story. Man complains about not enough sex and I am supposed to give you a simple and clear answer on how to either get more and leave her guilt free.
Two and a half years is quite a long time in relationship terms. You never describe any sort of love in this relationship, just greatness.
First and foremost you are not responsible for her sexual abuse as a child, in fact, it does not sound like she has dealt with that in a meaningful way, and that problem is the glaring trouble that is sinking your relationship. What to do? I have no clue. These are murky waters at best. Couples counseling may be a great way for the both of you to find a safe place to discuss your troubles. She may not see the link between telling you of the abuse and the loss of sexual interest.
That said, have you ever had a 2+ year relationship? The sexual variety and frequency tend to diminish. That is not generally a bad thing, it is what it is. You may want to check yourself before you seek counseling. First question, do you love your damaged girlfriend and if you do not love her, did you love her before she told you about the abuse. See, you may end up being one of those guys who freaks out at the little aspect of reality. I know quite a few men who, when confronted with their girlfriend/wifes past sexuality, they lose it, as if they suspected they were marrying a 30 year old virgin.
Whatever you do, man up and do it the right way. First do a reality check with yourself and see if you have changed in the last year. Also really look at this as honestly as possible and see if you love this woman. If you do, ask her about seeing a counselor together and then find a serious, brilliant counselor, because between the two of you, work needs to be done. Finally, realize we are all damaged people, you, me, her and just about everyone else over the age of 18 months. Some people hide it better than others, some don't and some let childhood trauma ruin their adult lives.
Deal with it.
I'll say it, she was able to be hot and sexy for a year, then she tells him she had some sexual abuse thing many years ago and everything falls apart? She needs a lot more help than a counselor and he needs to find a new woman who, yes we all have damage, but does not have so much damage that she holds it together for a year and THEN becomes a head case. Sorry, dump and run.
ReplyDeleteYeah, agree with above, she pulled some sort of trick, healthy and fine, sexy and into it, oh a year, may as well tell you the truth, nah, got to find someone who does not hide what they are about and the demons.
ReplyDeleteVinay, you suck.
ReplyDeleteSo many people I have met in my life have some sort of childhood trauma that affects them in weird ways, eating disorders and acting out sexually are just two. What is often bothersome is when you meet someone, you hook up and they are all hot and sexy, and then a few weeks later, all of a sudden they are afraid of sex because of something some uncle did. I always want to scream, either get over it, or quit pretending initially that all is well.
ReplyDeleteAt about the 2 year mark relationships need a tune up. Both people need to look at where they are and where they are going and decide if this is a long term situation or is it playing itself out.
ReplyDeletePlus, suggesting a counselor is great, but finding a great counselor is incredibly hard. I have been in and out of therapy for many years and it is a job unto itself to find a counselor who is smart, listens and has a deep understanding of complex relationships. Good luck.