This blows - letter

OK, you asked for it, an unedited letter, and a response.

"I've been married for what seems like eternity and I always heard when I was younger that " growing old together is great " well my question to everyone is :

What do you do when she doesn't want to have sex or give you a blow job more than once a year ?

I haven't had sex with my wife since Dec. 2nd and can't remember when I got a blow job from her ! She's never in the mood and has soooo many excuses that she could write a best seller on how to NOT have sex with your mate ! She works long hours, usually 12 a day and when she comes home it's eat dinner{I make most dinners}, watch t.v and talk on the phone until she's ready to go to sleep. We have 2 grown children {17 & 18} and don't have to worry about " getting caught " b/c they're always out doing things with their friends.

My wife just laughs when I tell her how long it's been since we had sex and she tells me that most of the women she works with don't even have sex anymore. I'm going stir crazy and jacking off is getting old and I've been thinking about looking for some on the side. I'm sure their are plenty of women who are in a similiar situation, I think about straying more and more but I just don't know where to look.

I know I'll get plenty of rude comments but I'll laugh b/c right about now nothing is going to upset me, so while I'm sitting here waiting for her to get home and wishing that she wants fucked when she walks in the door, when in reality it won't happen. So let's hear what your thinking or what you'd do in my situation, I don't want to leave but I'm getting desperate..............."

Wow.

I mean wow. First of all, the title of your email was something to the effect of "married 20 years and ready to quit" or something like that.

Seems to me, last week, I got some sort of email from someone who wanted to leave their marriage because the grass was greener or something and my reasonable answer was, you can not leave young children just because your sexual needs are not what they used to be.

In your case I would say, leave.

People get married for a variety of reasons, part of it just companionship and a person to share daily life stuff with, and part of it is intimacy and sexual gratification. When someone in a long term relationship starts withholding, I often think that they are messing with fire. The advertised person that you married has been recalled and the person you are with now seems cold and mean.

That said, your sense of entitlement is not going to get you laid outside of your marriage either. First, you want her to come home after working all day and seduce you? Are you insane? Do you work for a living? Since it sounds like you are at home when she gets there, do you ever have a glass of wine and a decent dinner ready? Do you ever run a bath for her and say, honey I know you had a long day at work, go take a bath, relax and I will take care of everything else.

Blow jobs? Jesus, you are so beyond screwed up I am not sure I am going to answer anymore. First, before anything else, do this for me. Go wash your hand, make sure it is sparkling clean. Now, without doing anything else, dip it into your pants and rub it around down there, between your legs, all around your penis, balls the whole deal. Spend at least a minute doing that, the pull your hand out and hold it to your nose and take a deep sniff. Now, you tell me, you want that in your face?

Something is wrong with your relationship, part of it is your sense of entitlement. Part of it is that your wife has all the sexual choice power. If she needs and continues to use sex as a weapon, you need to find an alternative.

Personally, I have had a discussion with almost every person I have ever been in a relationship with. It always goes like this. I am not that much into monogamy and I think that if the time comes when one of us wants to fool around, all I would appreciate it some basic honesty that you, or I, are engaging in that. Not a single one has taken me up on the honesty part, all have taken me up on the fooling around part.

People get confused about honesty. They want an open dialog, except when it might lead to a breakup or judging. See, if you are honest with your wife and you explain that if you two can not work out a healthy sexual chemistry, you will work it out with someone else, then she at least knows where she stands. If, on the other hand, you just choose hooking up and prostitutes, you become the skeevy one and the shit storm you create will be of your own making.

Finally, seek counseling. You never know what might help. A 20 year marriage is a long time, maybe it has run its course, or maybe, with a little help and understanding, you can rekindle what you had and spend your entire life with someone who gets you, loves you and wants to be an active sexual partner with you.

Good luck.